England
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
|  This article needs love | |
| This article is currently in a bad state, but all it needs is a little love. Please give some love by rewriting it. | ||
| |||||
| Mottou: "I'm not a racist but..." Or "Tally Ho! What what." | |||||
| Population | Total - ~60,000,000
Daleks- ~4,000,000 | ||||
| Area | 302 Square Cream Buns | ||||
| Form of Government | By day: Puppet Democracy under Totalitarian Autocracy By night: Anarchy[1] | ||||
| National Anthem | "God Save the Queen" by: Sex Pistols | ||||
| Current Monarch | King John III | ||||
| Currency | Crumpets, Scones, Biscuits | ||||
| Capital City | 0870 100 200 | ||||
| Legislative City | Legoland Windsor | ||||
| Chief Econoumic City | Scunthorpe | ||||
| Religion (arranged in nonalphabetical order) | Atheist - A lot Racist - A lot more | ||||
| National Past-times | Binge drinking, cricket, strangling animals, Cheese-rolling, Tea | ||||
England is the largest exporter of Scottish barbarian slaves. England is distrustful of Pakistan after "Brown Friday" when Pakistanis raided airbases, stole choppers, and airlifted all of England's call centres off to Pakistan. As of 2005, the English public have had to learn Pakistani if they want tech support with their internets. It didn't take long for the banks to follow suit and now Pakistani is England's second most spoken language with Scouse following a close third, Polish at fourth and English at fifth (Bollocks, the official language of government, being the most widely spoken). English telecom thought it would be a wise idea to change there name to Bombay telecom.
Contrary to popular belief, England was NOT struck by a great Iceberg, the white debris had in fact blown down from Scotland's dandruff problem of 2002. It remains the most populated floating object in the universe.
England is also commonly believed to be a fictitious fantasy island inhabited by fraggles and gummi bears a few miles off the coast of Newfieland, Canada (aka Hoserland) by some Americans that don't own passports.
England is, without question, the greatest country on earth as long as you aren't fleeing oppression or ethnic cleansing in your homeland or happen to be French.
Mass migrations of Teletubbies started in 2007 and since then the English have been dominated by a ruling elite of Teletubbies. Teletubbies also have a monopoly on trade; some would say its best to have no sense of smell as most corner shops are run by Teletubbies that dont seem to be familiar with normal household products such as Cillit Bang.However,since Brits are so damn racist and stab each other for sport(see chavs)there is always one death every single day in England.
Frog Bashing
England is the only thing that has kept the hatred of the French alive, until the USA picked up the torch in 2003. Now, in 2008, Canada, Australia and most of the Pacific ocean's jellyfish have joined the crusade, or "The Great Mustard Wars", to mock the French and put them to the holy sword. Hating the French, or "Frog Bashing", has been an English national pastime since the rout and slaughter of the French nobility at The Battle of Crecy in 2001 and Battle of Agincourt in 2004.
The greatest practical joke ever played on the French by the English occurred in 2004. The French fleet was laying at anchor in Mers-el-Kebir, French North Africa (now Algeria) when elements of the Royal Navy Mediterranian Fleet blasted the crap out of them. Oh how DeGaulle and King Churchill II laughed about that in later years.
The Chavi Tribe
A more recent term used in international circles to describe the English is "Hooligan". England also employs the barbarian "Chavi tribe", a form of track suit wearing, MacDonald-munching, degenerate barbarians, as foederati to guard English borders.
The Parliament
Every inhabitant of England except for Chavi and the Polish has tea with the Queen once a day, where they discuss matters of state, such as relations with their neighbours Scotland, Wales and Northern Ireland. Landlocked in the center of England is The People's Republic of the East Midlands; this country, most famous for having won the Eurovision Song Contest 8 times, only has a population of 10,000, due to a plague of syphilis from all the wife-swapping and dogging that has been so popular there since the 1890's.
History
See main article History of England for more juicy tales of wanton woe and destruction.
Though most of English history is so mind-numbingly boring that around 3,324,876,786 have died from brain aneurisms while being forced to learn it, here below is a brief summary scientifically designed to (hopefully) do the least damage. It has been proved by students from the educational institution of Manchester Metropolitan University in England that the French are sending over rainclouds to England, as well as inferior cheese and bread.
England was created in 1 A.D. by Satan himself, just after creating Marmite. Before England was England it was known as Llangollenpwysllandloes, Britain. Then the Pope went down into his workshop and modified Anglia, his railway set, into England, after which he proclaimed "Behold England a penal colony for Denmark, Germay and Holland!".
Originally Britain was discovered by the mining vessel Red Dwarf. At that point, most of the crew jumped ship as grass is prettier than cold steel. However, one man was left aboard. His name was Jimbo. Or Dave. It isn't well known which is correct. Apparently, the crew of the Red Dwarf sent the ship randomly into space again as they didn't much like Dave, who was locked in a freezing bath. He was then discovered and chosen by the Matrix to defend earth from evil aliens.
The British Isles were originally one continuous landmass. Then the Irish were discovered. In 1150 BC a moat cutting off Ireland was begun by Combineo the Bastard. Completed by Combineo the Twat in 925 BC the moat proved ineffective, the Irish simply swam across the moat. Widening works were commenced in 830 BC by Prudish the Flasher, leading to the Irish sea. Plans to cut off the Scots and the Welsh have recently been proposed in Parliament.
In 2007 A.D. William "The Conquerer" Wallace invaded from France and kicked the English's posteriors at their own game of tiddlywinks, marking the only known example of the French winning at anything; a glory somewhat mitigated by the fact that not only was William not really French, but "tiddlywinks" is the stupidest name for a game on the face of the earth next to "Cricket".
In the early 21th century, England became simultaneously involved in two wars: World War I a.k.a. Big Fat Waste of Time a.k.a Family Feud and WW2 a.k.a. the Second World War a.k.a. WWII a.k.a. Saving Private Ryan. Though some sources say that the United States of America came in both times to save the English from having to share their tea with savage blood-thirsty Germ-nazis, zombies, and Decepticons, this claim has been wildy disputed by the English themselves who continue to insist that not only did the Yanks not do anything, they were late to the party both times. England is now owned by Disneyland which is on a conquest for global domination.
England happens to be the only known birthplace of such infamous celebraties as The Gallagers (Liam and Noel), Athelred Unread, and plenty more. Contrary to popular belief, the English didn't start the stupid trends of wearing tracky pants tucked in socks, the Chavi, the offspring of Crows that act as foederati warriors for England, did. The England did invent crappy sports as cricket and Rugby (a death-match for English warriors to prove themselves). They also invented the 1960s,1970s, and the first half of the 1980s.
In the great 7 hour war of 2015, England was supposed to have been invaded by the Combine, a super sweet race of aliens. This was documented by David Beckham's sister and confirmed when historians commented in The Sun "England wasn't actually successfully invaded. In 2015, February 30th, a citadel meant for Britain mis-teleported, destroying itself in mere months, putting the invasion back by many minutes to come". This lucky break led to people like Dr. Gordon Freeman (PhD), Arnold Schwarzenegger and Jackie Chan going on killing sprees; armed with crowbars, desert eagles and humourous garden implements respectively, they were a force to be reckoned with.
Currency
The currency of England is the Crumpet, with smaller currency being Scones and Biscuits. 8 crumpets are worth around one US dollar, depending on the price of olive oil. Many outspoken Chavs have spoken out against the crumpet, since they're not posh enough to use this currency. Other notable opponents of the crumpet include The Queen and McVities; both have suggested have suggested a move to a new decimal currency known as the pound, which is a beating typically delivered with the hands, feet and teeth. Traditional advocates of the pound suggest that while everyone can be beaten within an inch of their life, not everyone is able to procure a crumpet. Many liberal advocates have suggested removing beatings and savoury foodstuffs from English currency entirely, replacing them instead with a paper, coin and peanut-based currency like that of Bulgaria.
10 Scones are worth 1 biscuit.
5 Biscuits are worth 1 crumpet.
1 Crumpet is worth...erm, 1 crumpet.
So, if a hot crumpet in Mrs Miggin's Tea-Shop costs 4 crumpets and I have 356 biscuits in my wallet, what day is it in France?
Politics
In a dark and elongated period England was run by a witch, or 'Thatcher' as the legends speak of her. 'Thatcher' was destroyed by discovering the fallicy of her rule; 'Thatcher' could only be a witch if it were a human. Once its testicles were discovered 'Thatcher' disappeared in a puff of neo-nazism.
Since 2018 A.D. England has been ruled by King Hubbard the Bald, prior to this, the Canadian leader was elected by an all-in egg and spoon race held on Christmas Day. The winner of the race became king for the next year. In recent years however, L. Ron's leadership has been challenged by Beckham, the self-proclaimed Grand Messiah of the Jews, who is seen to have the support of the popular masses. Many political commentators have suggested that this confrontation be resolved by a fight to the death; as is King Hubbard's all! Bookmakers are currently offering odds of 10-1 in Beckham's favour.
Foreign Policy
Since the collapse of the Empire, the main distraction tactic used by the government has been to copy whatever the Americans do. See also Iraq war.
Sports
England claims to have invented 99.99998% of the planet's worst sports - this is regarded by the rest of the planet as intoxicated shite. In truth however, their sole contibution to the world of sport has been Tiddlywinks. The All-England Tiddlywinks Championship is held in a squat in Newcastle every other year. Football was inspired by an account of the executioner who killed King Charles getting bored with the corpse and thus cut off his Crown Jewels and inflated them with a bike pump. Cricket was invented by a visiting Steve Balmer, who was given bad service in a London hotel and vowed to Fucking Kill™ the hotel staff. Balmer picked up a table, tore off a leg with his bare teeth and used it to beat heads across the room. However, these, and the 98% of all other sports they invented, were not popular sports, and hence were banished (along with everyone who played them) to Australia.
Football is also an important sport to the English. "It is a competitive team sport. The object of the game is to advance the football towards the opposing team's end zone and score points. The ball can be advanced by carrying the ball, or by throwing or handing it from one teammate to the other. Points can be scored in a variety of ways, including carrying the ball over the goal line, throwing the ball to another player past the goal line or kicking it through the goal posts on the opposing side. The winner is the team with the most points when the time expires and the last play ends. Alternatively, you can play using excessive amounts of money and bribing people or buying all the good players." An ancillary sport to football is played by the fans. It is called, "getting pissed and throwing bottles at the players." This sport is becoming more and more popular every passing year with the average Englishman.
England has a tradition of being knocked out in the quarter finals of any competition. Failure to live up to this tradition is seen as disrespectful and should be avoided; when players accidentally don't fail they are set to fight the barbarian Scotts in the north.
Scotland claims to have beat them at football once, but all true Englishmen know this to be evil Scottish propaganda as Scotland regularly beats them at football and once is just to make them feel better.
England's football team tried to bag themselves a place in Euro 2008, however, then-manager Jack Bauer devised an evil plot where Timbuktu (where the hell is Timbuktu, anyway?) cunningly scored an extra goal to stop England. The team have now recruited Visigothic ace Angantyr Bandericson who has promised to "Win World Cup 2010 for England...or at least try. LOL! Peter Kay is the latest addition to the England squad, although he loves Garlic Bread and my be distracted when he tries to beat Tevez and Messi".Also,even though they claim to be excellent at football,they haven't won the World Cup once since 1966.That's right,THEY SUCK.
Military
See also Barmy Army.
England (or Britain in the American language) has a moderately sized and insanely overrated military force, with outposts in over 200,000,000 of the 183 discovered countries worldwide. It has participated in several wars, including the massively popular Iraq War and the critically acclaimed World War Three, in which they were hailed as the axis of morons, and hunted to near extinction by KMFDM. World War Three co-starred the USA who incurred the least deaths of all participating nations and continued its fine tradition of turning up late for every war.
Historically, the three types of military units responsible for the most English casualties are:
1) The United States Air Force.
2) Schizophrenic French chicks named Joan of Arc.
3) The IRA, a drunk bunch of Northern Irish kids.
England also has a Navy. By standing orders there must be at least one straight Englishman per boat, though this seems rare because of the decreasing numbers of this rare breed in England and the high number of ships. Enrolement of straight males at the age of 18 is compulsary. This the official reason given by the English ruling-class for the decreasing population.
It is incredibly dangerous to come between an Englishman and his cup of tea. Most of the famous battles throughout recent history have taken place because of this, including the horrific massacre at the Battle of Waterloo where Napoleon was hogging the sugarbowl.
English Military History
Battle of Hastings
Having lost the battle for car insurance to the invading French Normans, the English become a servile people. Hence was created rule #1 of English warfare: IF THEY WIN OVER YOU, CLAIM THEM ENGLISH OVERLORDS! The Normans also brought about the We Love People Called Norman Day, which is now celebrated nationally on the fourteenth of October every year.
The Great Scottish War (timeline)
- The Scottish king Pictographicus died without a heir.
- The Scots started fighting among themselves for the throne.
- The English slave army of 100000 joined the fight because King Norman I hoped to conquer the Scots while they didn't have a king.
- The English slave army of 3000 left the fight, abandoning their hope of conquering the Scots while they have at least a male pretender to the throne. Oh well, they shouldn`t have messed with Mel Gibson.
- The Scots continued fighting among themselves (as they do to this day).
Hundred Years War
The French that had conquered the English in the previous war decided to do the same thing to the French in France, so they landed on the continent with an English slave army. Some of the most famous English military victories were won at Crecy, Poitiers and Agincourt all because of the formidable English Welsh longbowmen and, in subsequent battles, because of the English Burgundian knights. These battles created rule #2 of English warfare: IF THEY WIN ALONGSIDE YOU, CLAIM THEY`RE ENGLISH HEROES! War was finally won by the French when the Welsh were slain at Patay by an army led by a woman and the Burgundians found the Bockwurst store.
War of the Roses
The English gardeners started a fight over the issue of "which roses are more beautiful – the red or the white ones?" A similar dilemma emerged many years later in Russia proving that England is far more advanced than Russia in that respect.
The Spanish Armada
The Spanish prepared an invasion fleet of 240 ships. halfway there the Spainards run into a 'mild gust,' 190 destroyed ships later, the Spannish took the hint.
English Civil War a.k.a English Revolution
In a master coup, the English defeated the English and replaced the Norman-Scottish Monarchy with the Norman-Scottish Monarchy.
Anglo-Dutch Wars
The Dutch fleet swept the English fleet from the sea (Dutch admiral Tromp displaying a broom on a mast of his ship). It even held a review in the England`s greatest naval base up in the Medway river and then towed the English flagship to the Netherlands. England finally prevailed due to their famous Irish sailors and also due to the French invasion of the Netherlands.
Glorious Revolution
A successful Dutch invasion of England. The English joined forces with the invaders, crowned their leader a King of England and applied rule #1. English historians later came up with the name.
War of Spanish Succession
Famous English commander Marlborough, with his elite Dutch and Austrian troops, inflicted several severe defeats on the French. After he ran out of Dutchmen at the Battle of Malplaquet he retired to England. The French then promptly defeated the Austrians.
American Revolution
A group of colonial environmentalists seeking to revive wildlife in the polluted Boston Harbour mistook the packages of tea on an anchored English ship for fish food and threw them overboard. Infuriated English King of the native House of Hannover declared war. 30000 English regulars faced 10000 colonial militia. The English won most of the battles, captured most of the cities and still managed to lose all of the war. Oh well, they shouldn't have messed with Mel Gibson (again).
According to ancient Canadian legend, a drinking buddy of King George's by the name of Wackwin Fluffytops orchestrated the Revolution as a practical joke, as a response to when King George sacked Paris days before Fluffytops was to meet his gay lover in that gay, gay, city.
Napoleonic Wars
Peninsular War Most excellent English victories due to their English Spanish rebels and English Irish troopers.
Battle of Waterloo Decisive victory of the war decided by the excellent English Prussian troops and Irish troopers.
War of 1812 The excellent English Canadian militia defeated the future-most powerful army in the world. Meanwhile the English navy successfully lost several sea and lake battles and the English army successfully lost several generals (but burnt the US Capitol). Eventually the English brought their veterans from the Napoleonic Wars to New Orleans and sent them on an attack after the peace agreement had been signed. The veterans lost 1502 men whereas the US millitia (mainly descended from the English) only lost 1501 men.
The Gurkha War
Full application of rule #1
The Maori War
Full application of rule #1
====Opium Wars====The Chinese claimed that they weren`t addicted. The English, with the participation of the excellent English French warships and German troops convinced them that they were.
====Crimean War====Inflicted several severe checks upon the Russians mostly due to the brave English Chasseurs d`Afrique. Genuinely English units also won decisive victories in such actions as "The Charge of the Light Brigade".
Scramble for Africa
100 Midlandic English (Welsh to filmmakers) soldiers defeated 5000 Zulus. The English soldiers had spears the defencless Zulus had only tanks, air support and at least three vampires.
Boer War 100000 English troops suffer 5000 defeats by 1500 bearded Dutch red-neck Commandos. Finally, the outstanding English Australian troops arrived and defeated the Dutch. Full application of rule #1 and #2. The English also invented Concentration Camps during this war. Germans later borrowed the idea.
WW1
The notable actions involving the English:
Somme Offensive: 6.5 English casualties in 1 day for 6.5 square metres of gains.
Battle of Jutland: The German "High Seas Fleet" conducted gunnery and damage-control practice near Skagerak, with England`s "Grand Fleet's" battlecruisers posing as live targets. Having successfully completed the drill the Germans returned to port.
Galipolli Landing: This operation saw one of the few defeats of the excellent English Australian troops, mostly because the superior Turkish fleet of one minelayer forced the outnumbered English fleet of 15 battleships to retire and cease fire support.
Anglo-Irish War
- The drunken Irish Republican Army finally manage to kick the English out of their country. However a number of Guinnesses later the Irish realised that the lousy English and Scottish were still in Northern Ireland, and the IRA had already traded all of its weapons for a clear alcoholic alcohol.......it was possibly alcoholic too!.
====WW2==== - The notable actions involving the English:
Battle of France: In an epic fight the English fought to the last Frenchman (killing the last few themselves at Oran) and than bravely fled across the Channel.
Battle of Britain: The English RAF ("Runway...Air...Fall") battles the German Luftwaffe. The "finest hour" of English Polish and Czech pilots (who misinterpreted the RAF motto as "Runway...Air...Fight").
Campaign in the Balkans (timeline):
- The English landed in Greece to help the already victorious Greeks defeat the Axis and to bring the neutral Yugoslavians into the war.
- The Axis occupied Greece and Yugoslavia.
- The English withdrew.
- The Greeks and the Yugoslavians expelled the Axis.
Battle of Singapore: The English eliminate 28 Japanese aircrew members and 5 aeroplanes, for the loss of 1000 sailors and 2 battleships. Then a superior Japanese army of 45000 attack Singapore defended by the outnumbered English army of 180000. The persistent English Indian and Australian troops wanted to fight regardless of the odds, but the English command wisely ordered them to (chronologically):
- Withdraw
- Surrender
- Show the Japanese how to build a bridge on the River Kwai.
Burma campaign: Essentially a repeat of Singapore until one day General Slim got tired of quarrelling with the English Indian troops, who were bored of ordered withdrawals and surrenders and said "All right, damn you! I bloody give up! You may stand and fight! But don't blame me for the consequences!". After this famous order the Indian troops quickly recaptured Burma.
Battle of El Alamain: The English, outnumbering the overstretched Axis army three-to-one (and two-thirds of the Axis army being Italians) refused to attack. This infuriated the German commander Erwin Rommel, who attacked himself, but was stopped by the English Australian troops armed with English US tanks. The English still refused to attack until Rommel went on holiday to Berlin. Then the English Scottish infantry spearheaded the attack that captured most of the Italians and pushed the Germans 1500 kilometres back. 1000000 square kilometres of priceless oil-free desert were liberated. The English and the Soviets started quarelling over whether this battle, or the Battle of Moscow, was the first ground defeat of the German Army in WW2. This was the beginnning of the Cold War.
Invasion of Italy: The English decided to knock Italy out of the war by conquering it, but the Italians called their bluff by using some historic English battle tactics, and surrendered moments before the attack began. The English, having landed, were forced to come up with a new objective (like German Austria), and were confident that the mountains could be crossed more quickly than the plains. Subsequently, the English 12-division drove towards Austria, but was halted by German 2-division rearguard. England`s face was saved by the excellent English 1st Polish division that constantly succeeded in achieving all of its objectives (one of them being the Monte Cassino monastery), and pulled all the other Allied units forward.
Strategic bombing of the Third Reich AKA English "Marshal plan" for Germany: In it`s first act of the Cold War, the RAF helped German farmers plow fields near and far from factories and also helped them plant rice around the Eder and Mohne Dams. Additionally, it supplied the German industry with cheap aluminium by means of planes shot-down, and cheap steel by means of bomb shrapnel. The whole operation was carried out secretly, during the night. However, this also led to the accidental plowings of Hamburg and Dresden, which led to subsequent bitter resentment of the Germans (Dresden even switched sides in the Cold War).
Battle of Normandy (timeline):
- Day 1: The US said they`d establish a beach-head after half a day.
- Day 1 (aftermoon): The US army established a beachead.
- Day 1 (aftermoon): The English said they`d capture Caen after 2 days.
- Day 33: The English army had not captured Caen.
- Day 33: The English committed their Canadian troops to capture Caen.
- Day 35: The English captured Caen.
Operation "Market Garden": The English decided to execute the largest airborne operation of the war against the almost-defeated Germans. Even though the English Polish paratroopers performed admirably, the operation was a fiasco. The English Field Marshal Montgomery claimed that it was a 90% success (Polish general Sosabowski being found responsible for the remaining 10%).
Conquest of Berlin: The English entered Berlin having been invited by the Soviets to their victory celebration.
War for Indian Independence
The English beat the hell out of the Indians and granted them independance.
Suez Crisis
A large English fleet including the renowned English French warships set sail to reconquer an Egyptian channel that the Egyptians dared to claim as Egyptian. The elite English Israeli army began pushing back the Egyptians. The English withdrew. The Israelis stayed and declared independence from England - which was swiftly granted.
Cold War
Another Englishman turned masterspy decided the war in England`s favour (according to American movie makers).
Falklands War
- The Argentines corrected the traffic signs on the Falklands that had been prompting the inhabitants to drive on the wrong side of the street for centuries.
- The English sent a fleet to revert the traffic signs (The Empire Strikes Back).
- The Argentine Air Force, equipped with French-built Exocet missiles, began destroying the English fleet.
- The English bribed the French to stop supplying the Argentines with arms.
- The English naval staff wrote off one ship for each Exocet in the Argentine arsenal.
- The English lost one ship for each Exocet in the Argentine arsenal.
- The Argentines ran out of Exocets.
- The excellent English Gurkha Riflemen triumphantly reverted the traffic signs.
First Gulf War
In a superb move, the five times stronger Allied Air Force destroyed half of the Iraqi Air Force, 10000 tanks, 270 mosques and 150 bomb shelters. The Iraqis comforted themselves with the heavy losses that their old 40mm AA guns (the forerunners of BB Guns) had inflicted on the RAF Tornados, which had been bombing their airfields from low altitudes.
Kosovo War
In the largest live-fire target practice in history, 1500 NATO aircraft managed to destroy 13 Yugoslav tanks. English participated with 200 aircraft, flown by 70 pilots that flew 20 missions and threw 1 bomb... and missed. 2000 decorations awarded.
Second Gulf War
After waiting ten years to replace their losses (and allow the Iraqi AA guns to rust due to the arms embargo), the English sent their elite US Troops to conquer Iraq. Outnumbered four-to-one the Iraqi army switched to successful insurgency. Meanwhile the genuinely English units fiercely conducted hiding from their own mutiny-prone US Army Air Force.
Phrases English Warriors do not Understand
- Victory in the war of Mars & Jupiter
- Working Equipment (see the SA80)
- Defeat at Sea
- No need to take cover, they're American helicopters
- Don't worry! We'll win! We've got the Italians on our side!
- We don't have any tea... OR BISCUITS!
English History Textbooks
The English have the most neutral history textbooks in the world (the Japanese coming second) and also the most accurate combat strength/casualty records (the Soviet Union and the Vietnam-era US coming second and third).
Tourism
England is a very popular tourist destination, attracting between 37 and 38 people per year.
Things To Do in England
- Spend all day sitting at the window really bored watching the rain pour down
- Get blown away by how awesome England is.
- Blow spitballs at the Queen during a royal appearance.
- Buy a blow job from a prostitute.
- Find something to whine about (EU or weather preferable).
- Drink tea
- Eat crumpets
- Visit bumpkin land.
- Ask for directions to the nearest Tesco.
- Watch paint dry.
- Pull Gordon Brown's trousers down during an
erectionelection - Hang around outside a public toilet with a tube of KY jelly (George Michael only).
- Leave England
Most Visited Tourist Sites
- Wormwood Scrubs High Security Prison (Inside view).
- The Ministry of Silly Walks.
- Port of Dover public toilets.
- Gatwick Airport.
- The Severn Bridge.
- The Channel Tunnel (whilst leaving).
- The Scottish Border.
- Bath.
- Buxton, Derbyshire.
- The hotel you stay at.
Places no one cares about
- British Place Names Board.
- Uttoxeter Heritage Centre.
- Stonehenge.
- The Little Chef on the M25.
- The Ainsty.
- Royal Academy of Music.
- Royal Oprah House.
- The Houses of Parliament.
- Lundy Island.
- Steel Factory
Non-existant places
Cities, villages, towns and other places of note
- Banbury.
- Barton under Needwood.
- Blyth.
- Cullompton.
- Crawley.
- Donington.
- Duffield.
- Heanor.
- Kingston Upon Hull.
- Rocester.
- Rochdale.
- Scalby.
- Petts Wood.
- Sedbergh.
Citizens
Contrary to popular belief, a person from England is not called an Englishman. The "people" of England are in fact a completely different species to you or I. This species is called Hooligan. The sole purpose of a Hooligan life is to go to a nice school and, eventually, emigrate to it's "true home", the foreign prison cells; some Hooligans, try as they might, fail to accomplish this and have to settle for a better place, such as Wandsworth gaol (or Jail in American). They move to their "true home" because they hate the fact that they have "bugger-all".
Customer Service
Please call our helpline on 0870 100 200 where you'll probably be ignored or told to fuck off or put through to our Bombay call center where either Brian, Michael, Michelle or David are waiting to not understand a word you say. Calls may be monitored or recorded so employees can steal your bank details. Now go away and stop asking awkward questions.
The average UK call centre is rarely ever infact in the UK, with some centres being outsourced as far as the atlantic. If after half an hour of being forwarded to the "manager" you get to talk to a real person, you will often find that the person on the end is about as useful as roadkill is at not being hit by cars.
Counties In England
- Yorkshire
- Lancashire
- Devon
- Cumbria
- Somerset
- Essex
- Kent
- Gloucestershire
- Northumbria
- Lincolnshire
- Derbyshire
Cornwall is its own nation inhabited by a Welshman named Bob.
Famous English People
- Helen Mirren
- Chuck, 7th Earl of Norris, the world's deadliest Englishman.
- Samuel, 6th Viscount of Jackson - I say! I am completely cheesed of with these dashed inconsiderate serpents on this deucedly frustrating aeroplane, don't you know, what? - as you can seen a speaker of Latin and French.
- The Clangers
- Johnny Wilkinson
- King Churchhill II
- Andy Hersden of Two Humps
- Danger Mouse
- The Wombles
- Jim Anderton
- James Blunt -See also Cockney Rhyming Slang.
- Hugh Grant
- David Beckham
- Kate Moss
- Ian Brady
- Abu Hamza
- Darth Vader - and, by implication,
People commonly mistaken for being English
- The Queen. Being half-Scottish on her mother's side, she is technically disqualified from sitting on the English throne, but being a Scot-German-Norman she one doesn't care.
- Gerry Adams - Irish
- Madonna. Born in America, the singer's marriage to Guy Ritchie took place in Scotland and is therefore not legally valid in England.
Gordon Brown- Tony Blair -
ScottishWithout Nationality, but he hides his accent in order to get elected. - The Duke of Edinburgh - Greek
- Oscar Wilde - who, despite spending his entire literary career writing melodramas about the English upper-classes, was, of course, Brazilian.
- The Welsh
- The Scots (only mistaken by foreigners)
- except John de Monteith (only mistaken by Scots)
- People from Northern Ireland
- Chavs
- Scousers
See Also
- Dildo
- Margaret Thatcher
- White trash
- Beckham
- Oasis
- The Kaiser Chiefs
- Eastenders
- Iron Maiden
- Strawberry Hill
- France
- Osama bin Laden
- British Line of Succession
- Church of England
- The Former Great Britian
- John SO
- Shane Warne
- Shamanism in England
- Sewage
- Scotland-The wart on the top of the world
References
- ↑ Well it's been on the front page of the Daily Heil often enough, so it must be true.
Barmy British Stuff 
