English

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Ínglish!

“Me no speako.”

~ Oscar Wilde on English

“Mmm, Good England is”

~ Yoda on England

“Hey”

~ Fonzie on Everything

“ENGLISH MOTHERFUCKER, DO YOU SPEAK IT?!”

~ Samuel L. Jackson on English

“Mirsten choiple!”

~ Afferbeck Lauder

“In Soviet Russsia, ENGLISH SPEAKS YOU!!!”

~ English

English was developed in England while Americans stole it like they do everything else. Columbus learned it there and took it to America when he founded America. As it was divided it into 13 colonies (when it was great), they eventually revolted because they wanted their own language. Of course, being Americans, they were totally un-original and changed a few simple words so their minds would be capable of understanding English better. They called it English (U.S.) though the rest of the world generally refer to it as English Inferior.

English is an unregulated language. This is to confuse foreigners who learn "proper" english, so when they come to England (or any other English speaking country) they sound like absalute retards.

1 Origin of English
2 Dumb English
- 2.1 English is proven stupid!
3 English Today
4 Common English Phrases and Deir Meanings
5 Complete and total correctness of the English
6 Spoken Cuntries
7 Dialects
8 See also
9 External links

[edit] Origin of English

This section is decurtate. The propounder is insagacious. You can further ameliorate Uncyclopedia by expatiating upon it.

One day God looked down on Earth to check up on his whole "creating life" idea. After realizing what a shit idea that was, He saw that the English were getting angsty and let's-go-get-more-land-ish. God didn't like this all that much, so he decided to try and do something about it. First, he gave the English some unfavorable weather. But that didn't shut them up. So then he created the English language and forced them to speak it in hopes that they might straighten up after being given such a horrible and confusing language. Well that didn't work either. God said ",fuck dis shit" and ran off never to be seen again... Until Jesus... and then in the form of Chuck Norris.

After the English got down the language, the Americans stole it and added in silly "words" like "y'all" and "howdy". Ever since then, neither country has really been able to understand each other (although this might have nothing to do with the language).

[edit] Dumb English

The American version of the English language is exceptionally stupid. This is evident in many cases, for an example, "the soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert." The problem with it is that many of the English words have more than one meaning. This is due to the fact that some |</\/08 |-|34d decided to create our language from 6-7 languages before it was used by America and altered again, the reason being that Americans found the great mental challenge to comprehend multiple meanings above them. Americans are also prone to pronounce all words incorrectly, bless them. For example:

"I have to go on the internet" becomes:

"Ay hayuv tah go on thur innerrr ne'" (note the loss of the last "t" sound on the end of "innerrr ne'")

[edit] English is proven stupid!

1. Your house burnt up and then it burnt down. So your fire alarm went off by turning on. So you had to fill in your insurance form by filling it out.

2. If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught???

3. If the plural of tooth is teeth, then why isn't the plural of booth beeth?? (mmmm... beef)

4. You can make amends but you can't make one amend.

5. If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

6. Ship by truck and send cargo by ship?

7. Noses that run and feet that smell?

8. How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?

9. When the stars are out, they are visible. BUT when the lights are out, they are invisible.

10. English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England nor French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.

11. There are 9 different ways to pronounce the letters 'ough' - tough [uf], cough [off], bough [ow!], though [o], ought [awe], through [oo], hiccough [up], thorough [uh] and Slough [ow].

12. You can be gormless, but what IS gorm? Apparently something that is good to have?

13. If "glasses" is a pair of lenses worn on the head, then why isn't a monocle called a "glass"?

14. You say "tomayto" and we, correctly, say "tomarto". You say "potado" and we, correctly, say "potayto".

15. If quizzes are quizical, what are tests?

16. Why is a blowjob not called a suck job yet sucky jobs often blow?

17. If tinwhistles are made of tin what are foghorns made of?

18. Why is the fear of long words 'hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia'?

[edit] English Today

The English of Today spoken in England is only spoken by East Londoners with mental disabilities and/or speech impediments that are trapped in a bad remake of Mary Poppins as this article shall demonstrate. This has created a unique fracture in time and space that resides only in the minds of USians, a dark race of evil who wish to break through into our dimension.

Everyone else is presumed to be speaking French or some other dialect.

(Please note that the author(s) of this article has mistaken the word 'Fringlish' for 'Fucking Cockney Wanker')

Engrish is not the easiest language (pronounced lang-gwagee) on the face of the earth. An Engrish accent (emulated by an American at least; a real Engrish accent is very different) of the kind spoken by The Chattering Classes can be achieved simply by removing all the T's in a sentence, an example is as follows (replace all the ' with a "T" to make sense of it:

"Hey yer bloody dir'y wanka, ge' your coa' and le's go 'o 'ha foo'ball ma'ch and ge' ourselves was'ed by 'he fockin s'ands while we cheer on 'ha' no good bas'ard arse club Chelsea FC

ENGLAND IS A BLOODY RUFFELMONSTER AND ITS BIG TOO, BLIMEY. Blimey! It's borin' an' all tha' malarky, but it ain' really in Mr. C's English class! Especially today, when we did improve actin' wiv' a rahndom subject.

(Written by an American Student studdying English) English is currently tha 103rd most spoken lahngwidge in tha worwd. Tha Yooni'ed States of Ameri'a spoke English for a big many years, un'il tha little urchin's began ta realise tha' unstruc'ured grammar an' of'en illogicuhl spellin'. Thus, tha' Ameri'an language was born in duh Southern United States - not ta' be confyused with real English like Ahm speakin' at tha' momen', Guv. Them urchin's was fools; while tha spelling of English words was seriously odd, tha grammar was trooly astoundin'. Tha' English lahnguage was so powerful, it's known ta' destroy trees, collapse minds, crush souls an' very rarely open cereal boxxiz and no mistake!

Af'er English ceased to be spoken in tha' U.S., tha' Ameri'ans adap'ed tha' Bulgarian language an' tha' Ameri'an lahngwidge as deir offishul spo'en lahngwidges. This cowrsed sevrul problems with economy, an' woidespread illi'eracy. Therefwore, tha' Americans chose Mandarin Chinese as deir official language. This inevi'ably led ta tha' Hungarian lahnwidge imperialism movemen', curren'ly inactive because av' rela'ively woidespread ac'ivities including kitten huffing. Da funny tin' is it dun soun' plen'y like Spanish fur sum rizon. Que loco...

Tha English lahngwidge iz full o' da explahtives as well. Dey surve a mitey fine prup'se in ventin' yer anger.

[edit] Common English Phrases and Deir Meanings

She sells seashells at Chelsey and shall call all tall callboys —Bussy as 'oo you 'ell.
"'E's a right toff and no mistake" —Dat gentleman is remarkable given 'is apparently upper class nature.
"Strike a light, guvnor" —I do exclaim dat you must provide me wit a greater understanding of da subject matter, o person of apparently 'igher social class dan myself.
"Shake a leg" —Let us make wiv great 'aste and speed.
"Cor Blimey" —Dat is a remarkable occurrence, and worthy of note.
"Sick as a parrot" —I am unwell at this time.
"Wot da H-to-da-izzell?" —Oy, wot's your problem, mate?
"Bag pula in mata" —Let us make great 'aste and speed.
"Bluddy 'ell..." — Fuck.
"Fo' Shizzle My Nizzle!" — I concur my friend o' African lineage!

[edit] Complete and total correctness of the English

This article promotes Jihad against the dessication of the English language

Join us and help rid the world of these (wild) western devils!

Destroy the degenerate tongue (aka: american-english)

(note: not all of this article complies with the above banner, but it should)

In stark contrast to their bloody stupid American "brethren," English English is marked by remarkable consistency throughout its spelling. In no case do the English ever drop the 'u' so blasphemously from their words. For example: "colour", "neighbour", "honour", and many others. It is for the benefit of the average English speaker as well as our uneducated brethren in the Americas that they once again use the "u" as well as once again become part of the Greater British Empire.

[edit] Spoken Cuntries

English is the official language of Germany, England, Disneyland, Canada(but not Quebec, speakers will be castrated), Australia, America, Russia, Japan, Belize, Honduras, Unengland, India, and Spangland. However, it is spoken everywhere, and other countries only have other official languages because they wanted to start a trend. However, the trend never caught on, and English remained the world's dominant language. (By United Nations decree #14444, submissives are required to speak French.) As punishment for their rebellion, world owner [[|Slash|Saul Hudson|Lloyd Kimber]] passed a law that limited the power of the countries. The law stated that any English speaking country had the right to beat up non-English speaking countries. It also stated that those who did not speak English were required to buy a translator when talking to an English-speaker. This caused an uproar in the three main language rebelling countries, Italy, Antarctica, and Czechoslovakia. Italy immediately started launching dinosaurs at its border country, Kenya. China, in compliance with the Rice Krispie Treaty of Paris, was required to defend Kenya from the reptilian invaders. However, China's guns were all made in China and failed miserably. Kenya now belongs to Italy, but will retire in the year 1999. New English word: To nenn, you say it when you don't feel like doing something (you're too tired, feel too good, think it's boring, etc. or some other excuse for not doing something). Now you just say:"I don't nenn it." This phrase is very common on Iceland

[edit] Dialects

Blimey! English suffers from a numbah of incompr'ensible dialec's. None of these is a language in its own roigh' since it does not possess a discrete vocabulary. And tha' Queen said so and no mistake!