English language
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[edit] Origin
The English language is believed to have originated among the Huns in 107 BC. Prior to that time, the Huns spoke a guttural language similar to modern Dutch, which they used to intimidate proponents of Western civilization and deprive them of their sausages.
This is, of course, an erroneous belief. It is now evident that the English language arrived much later, during a coffee break at the offices of Dow Petrochemical when Sandy positively HAD to tell Gerald about how amazing Kelly was on last night's episode of American Idol.
[edit] Gibberish
To spread this language, scream, at the top of your voice, this phrase: Moo moo tikka chikka boom kikibuchi makawakawugu! Boovtachika moo. Ho hum, bada-bing, bada-bum!
[edit] Symptoms
Early stage patients exhibit uncanny use of 1970's phrases such as "what is up, my man?", often accompanied by grammatical errors predicated by a lingering attachment to another language. Often this will cause the infected person to speak in a bubbling, comical manner, like that guy with the really thick eyebrows that married that chick who was almost shot when Kennedy escaped assassination. Using too many 1970's phrases can result in blue specks on your left thigh or your thumb becoming a penis instead. On the subject of thumbs and penises, did you know that some elephants in southern India sprout thumbs in January and use them to reproduce with cows which is the base of most religions in Eastern Africa.
[edit] Outlook
Prognosis is poor. The English language has an uncanny capacity to mutate new strains containing elements like deja vu, RTFM, pr0n and :) . A particularly nasty mutated version is known as US English, which was invented in the microsoft labs and is believed the most nasty and infectous strain (characterized by rampant "z" usage and missing "u"'s).
[edit] Usage
Usage of English is widespread. Its ubiquity has undoubtedly something to do with its utter simplicity. Its grammar is so primitive that, reportedly, even small kids have no problem learning enough English to watch Hollywood movies. For the same reason, it is also the favorite language of idiots and Scientologists.
The so-called "native speakers" of English constitute a sizeable minority of the world population. They are notorious for their utter inability to learn any other languages, which in the past made them subject of much ridicule. In the modern times, there's been increasing understanding that this disability is not, in fact, their fault. Having been exposed to nothing more stimulating than English in their formative years, such native speakers suffer irreversible deterioration of those parts of their brains responsible for language abilities. These days, more and more people around the world learn the humane and tolerant ways of treating native English speakers. Various charity organizations help integrate them into the society.
Moreover, many governments encourage learning of English by everyone so that the native English speakers don't feel so alienated. As an unintended consequence of this, (and undoubtedly due to its being so easy to learn,) English has become something of the national language of the entire world. So, if you are a native English speaker travelling in a country where such speakers are a minority, do not despair. Many locals would actually enjoy speaking English to you, strange as it may seem. Others may be less cooperating but only until you prove that you really cannot speak their wonderful language - but would love to, if only you could.
Keep in mind that in most countries, guns and chewing gum are not a sufficient proof of your Native English Speaker status.
[edit] Development
The English are renown to steal words from many other languages including but, not limited to: French, Danish, Swedish, Esperanto, Welsh, Swahili and Elvish. By altering the spelling slightly, the English Language Board avoids copyright infringement with these nations (specially France), who frequently throw temper tantrums due to the grotesque level of thievery.
Some people have said that the English language will lose it's' je ne sais quoi (say quarr). The Eurovision Song Contest is seen as the principal Litmus Test of the acceptability of English in the Western Whirled. The decline in the percentage of English words used in recent years in this classic cultural festival is cited as the primary evidence of the decline in english acceptability. In an attempt to salvage the situation, the English Language Board (ELB) have hired many young consultants and experts to help generate the New Improved Contemporary English (NICE). Instructional Texts of NICE are commonly provided on the back of bus & train seats; in black texta for durability.
Ongoing experiments by the ELB with the brains of young english-speaking people (YES people) are being conducted through hand-held microwave communication devices. YES people are encouraged to put these devices to their head, irradiate their brains for a short while and then attempt to communicate in International Textual Simplified New Improved Contemporary English (ITSNICE). Common ITSNICE expressions include:
- wot up ;-)
- idc wtf u thk
- f u
- cul8r alig8r
Disambiguate this: ITSNICE is commonly referred to as SMS talk, or txt-talk.
[edit] "gh"
In English, the letters "gh" often represent the same sound as the letter "f." This is because "g" and "h" were jealous of "f," who comes before them in the alphabet. In 1791, they signed the historic "Pact of Anti-F aggression" in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania (see "P-H Alliance). The "gh" describes the "f" sound in such English words as "enough," "laugh," "ghost," "ghish," and "ghuck oghgh."
[edit] See also
- English
- Engrish
- Broken English
- AOL speak
- English, but Louder
- Commonwealth English, a.k.a Limey-speak.
