The English
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Nothing in the world can prepare you for the experience of the English (also known as Limeys (by Americans), Poms (By Australians) and Wankers (by the Welsh, Scots and Irish)). They are a merciless band of brigands who steal, kill and destroy, before drinking cool beer (it's just not ice cold like in America, this is because English beer has a little thing called "flavour" this means the beer doesn't have to be so cold you can't taste anything) over your mangled corpse. Profoundly hard to understand, their language is Englilish, a dialect somewhere between Saxon and Tuesday. Whilst they profess to be the greatest at all things, they were occasionally flattened by Australia in cricket, sexual exploits and stupidity. They enjoy watching an Irishman burn, and forming orderly queues. They also have a tendency to fly apart in numerous directions when exposed to semtex and electricity, however, a recent discovery by the oscar-winning research scientist, Sir Isaac Flemming, has resulted in 1 in 5 Englishmen being Semtex-resistant. Their greatest contribution to the world to date has been the heir and the spare, contributing much to the wet dreams of teenage girls everywhere.
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[edit] Evolution
The isle of England was constructed and colonised in 1850s by a bunch of really boring European aristocrats who couldn't stand the cold of Scandinavia, the sausages of Germany, the sex taxes in France, the tildes in Spain, and the porn in Holland. So, stealthily on the night of January 35th, 1852, they crept in to Holland and, while the populace powered their windmills by masturbation, stole a shitload of dirt and dumped it off the coast of France. To this day the Dutch have a shortage of dirt.
After a few years of tranquility, perpetual fog, haggis, and worship of knots, they were invaded by Romans, Vikings, Germans, penguins, librarians, Celine Dion, and Bob Barker. They got pretty sick of this, and so decided to invade back. For a week in 1903 they owned roughly 112% of the dry land on the planet.
The band Queen got bored with the world though, and slowly piddled most of it away for beer money. A notable exception was Jesusland, which they gave away in 1935 for free, because they hated piss coloured beer that you couldn't eat with a fork.
After a dozen world wars, nothing remains left of their native land of England except the M5 (which is under perpetual fog) Twickenham (which is not under fog, but actually "chronically located within very low cloud cover", for tax reasons) and Wales (from which the English have been banished following a very nasty rugby match in 1915 (and they're all a bunch of wankers).
These aspects of history of course help in some way to explain the character traits of the English. However, stereotyping the English has led to some annoying circumstances. The Amish people, who live primarily in Aruba and Jamaica where they raise barns and farm mistletoe, declare anyone who has less of a tan than them as "The English".
[edit] Identification
The nomadic variety are often found congregating outside their designated soggy part of the planet (see England), and are easily distinguishable with a bright reddish pink tubby hue due to their first collision with UV light. They are often observed walking home quietly after drinks, without disturbing anyone in a most placid and non violent manner. They are particularly respectful of anywhere with a good exchange rate with British Pounds (e.g. Czech Republic, Amsterdam, in fact most of the world (but not France)).
They can also be seen washed up on the shores of Bondi Beach which is as much of Australia as they believe exists outside the TV show Neighbours. The English are notorious for occupying couch areas in sharehouses and subsisting off the contents of their flatmates' fridges and cupboards.
In their native environment the English are hard to observe due to a chameleon-like ability which enables them to blend in with their grey surroundings - often dwelling in pubs where they practice the aforementioned beer drinking.
Once they go abroad however the English are easily recognisable by their inability to speak anything other than English. A common English belief is that if the waiter did not understand you asking for "Double Egg and Chips" he is probably deaf, and you should therefore shout louder until he understands. It is also acceptable to assume that anyone trying to communicate with someone French by merely adding "Le" in front of every other word is English.
[edit] Skills
- Digestion of curry and beer
- Ability to be hated by every country on earth apart from America, who sees them as "quaint"
- having the ability to hate everyone else in the world, especially Americans, who they see as fat lummocky bastards who think they exist but were just people who went and kicked a bunch of natives out the way and had a shit, this shit was then renamed the White House, anyway, back to English people.
- Evilinity, i.e. the power to occupy the roles of the majority of evil characters in American television and film.
- Being Dandy
- Ability to hit Scottish people with large sticks.
- Ability to hit Irish with large sticks.
- Ability to call welsh sheepshaggers.
- Ability to drink 1,000,000 cups of tea per day. This is fact the law.
- Ability to wage war with France.
- Ability to let Scots rule over them and pay them copious amounts of cash.
- Ability to have the worst women in
Europethe Worldthe universebeyond even that. We even included Klingons in this comparison. - Ability to be the only mammal unable to brush their teeth
- Ability to create new races, notably Americans, Austrailians and some other countries beginning with A
- Ability to read things like this and laugh at themselves!! FACT! (Very true!)
[edit] Cuisine
England is known for its unique and experimental cuisine. Nearly all it's dishes are meat and boiled vegetables. Sometimes, seasoned with salt or pepper, or more experienced chefs, salt and pepper. Within England, there are approximately five hundred and eighty six million fish and chip shops, however, these are only to be visited on special occasions. It is also believed that fish and chips is the preferred cuisine of Asian people, since there is always a small Chinese lady to serve you (or Indian). Also, don't forget MacyD Sunday!
