Envy

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Warning: The following text might contain spoilers. This makes the article more aerodynamic, and thus more maneuverable at high speeds. Take caution and carry a first-aid kit at all times if you don't know that Buffy dies twice, Earth is the computer designed to calculate the Ultimate Question, Dr. Strangelove can actually walk (and everybody dies), Heathcliff finally dies, and Catherine and Hareton get married, and Soylent Green is PEOPLE!!!

“Envy thinks he's so great but I'm a better homosexual than he is!”

~ Oscar Wilde on Envy

“I'd Fuckin' Kill that guy if only he would stay as his fuckin' normal self for once.”

~ Steve Ballmer on Envy

If you have seen this man/woman report it to your local authorities.

1 History
2 A List of Envy’s Aliases
3 People Envy Have Killed
4 Conclusion
5 See Also

[edit] History

Envy is a Homunculus, shape-shifter, and self proclaimed bisexual born in the country of Amestris in the anime Full Metal Alchemist. He was created by the Alchemist Dante when she fused a palm tree, Play-Doh, and the DNA of Liberace into one unholy combination. From that day on Envy became one of Dante’s Homunculi subordinates which also included Pride and Gluttony. He constantly got into fights with the brothers Edward and Alphonse Elric which led up to him KILLING EDWARD but not before KILLING MAES HUGHES! But somehow Al brought his DEAD BROTHER back and sent Envy into the Gate releasing him into OUR WORLD WHICH IS BEHIND THE GATE! After his exile from his native dimension Envy decided to blend in using his doppelganger abilities and has gone under numerous aliases. He/She/It is currently wanted dead or alive worldwide for crimes against humanity, mass murder, conspiracy, indecency, and for just being an overall asshole.

Envy jamming with his Best Friend Forever, Liberace.

[edit] A List of Envy’s Aliases

Because Envy is a shape-shifter he has taken on many a human form and disguising himself into OUR WORLD and raising all hell because he’s an evil sadistic bastard. Here’s a list of some of them.

Bob Saget

Khan

Dick Cheney

Jeremy Clarkson

Albus Dumbledore

David Hasselhoff

The Dark Lord Xenu

Jimbo Wales

Lord Voldemort

Barbara Streisand

Kim Jong-il

Heinrich Himmler

MC Hammer

Envy reveals his second most powerful form to Ed and some other guy.

Ash Ketchum

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad

A dead palm tree

If all else fails Envy turns into his final and strongest form. The cuteness makes your head go asplode, probably from mistaking him as a girl.

[edit] People Envy Have Killed

Envy has killed a lot of people in his undead lifetime. Here is a small list of some of them.

Ed Elric- Turns his arm into Excalibur and severs his stirnum. He did it to impress Lust, in hopes of gettin some more homunculus pussy, but remembered she was dead and had to jerk off in a closet.

Maes Hughes- Got stuck in an elevator with Envy, who just happened to have a pound of Black Tar on him. Hughes relapses and dies from speedball overdose. Envy didn't shoot Maes, he shot him up.

Mr. Spock- Sacrifies his life to stop Envy from killing William Shatner and the crew of the Starship Enterprise. In vain, of course, as he is hit by a car immediately afterwards.

Darth Vader- Kills him with Force Lightning.

Aeris- "Stabs" her in her "back" with his huge "sword".

SPIKE SPIEGEL- Completely uninjured from his final battle, was pushed down a flight of stairs, killing him instantly.

Dumbledore- Turns into Snape and runs him down with a snowblower.

Hohenheim of Light- Transforms his penis into a giant dragon, ultimatley crushing his promiscuous junkie father.

Torgo- Envy kills the freakishly big knee'd goatman by kicking him in the shins to death for delivering his pineapple/thumbtack/majic mushroom pizza 80 hours late.

A mudkip- Out of blatant hatred for pokemon, but then 4 more came along and Envy ran like fuck.

Your mom- Or was it the Tails Doll? No wait, it was Chuck Norris!

... Naw, it was yer mum. He hit that.

Chuck Norris- Envy transformed into him and Chuck died from the shock of his own awesomeness. Mr. T revives him and Envy ran like fuck again.

Mace Windu- Kills him as Palpatine because his power is OVER NINE THOUSAND!

Bambi's Mom- Shot her in the leg with a 12 gauge then took her apart in his basement.

Mufassa- Throws him off a cliff, to which his last words to him were "YOU CAN SUCK MY DICK. OR COCK.

Sailor Scouts- They tried to kill him, but they ran out of MP because he keeps regenerating. He rapes and kills everyone except Sailor Jupiter, who manages to kick him in the dick when he is in male form. Unfortunately, the Sailor Scouts revived via alchemy anyways.

A grue- He had to transform into Gluttony to accomplish this feat.

Everyone- It wasn't too hard, Everyones stupid as fuck.

[edit] Conclusion

Envy is the coolest and sexiest palm tree ever. His appearance will make you want to be gay because he is sho shmexy! Envy meets his ironic demise by getting killed in the fashion the sinners guilty of envy are punished in hell; he was run over to death by an ice cream truck driven by Reggie Bannister.

In the manga, he mistook Mr. T for a human and killed himself when Mr. T pitied him.