Epic Movie

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“Crude, but, I like it.”

~ Loogan Herr on Epic Movie Movie

“Epic Movie was better than Schindler's Christmas List by a LONG SHOT”

~ George W.W.J.D. Bush on Epic Movie

[edit] Epic Movie

Epic Movie is a movie world-renowned for its record of suckiness. The number unfunny jokes are paralleled only by the sheer amount of money patrons wasted getting into this movie and the amount of crap smeared on the screen play. Don't ever make the horrible mistake of seeing this movie. It has been on the FBI list for information warfare.

An original poster edited by the staff and posted in many theaters.

[edit] Origins

The movie is based off of a pattern of crap paintings in ancient caves. The paintings were created by cavemen, the ancestors of modern screenwriters, but were instantly covered with feces once they realized that someone might actually see what they wrote. The feces decayed and the paintings stayed, being discovered by "4 of the 6" writers behind scary movie. They instantly took a press of the paintings, then got tired and decided they were out of toilet paper. They wiped with the script, and noticed words formed, so they thought they could make some easy money by putting a movie together and selling it with the idea of it living up to the first two scary movies. This is a disambiguation of the origins of the movie:

This chart shows the evolution from simian waste into an "Epic Movie," which really seems about as epic as the dump my dog took before.

[edit] Synopsis

The movie starts with an albino ginger chasing a woman with nun chucks. This is all tied to a joke about her unlocking a code to get candy from a machine, and is a well thought out parody of the Da Vinci Code, probably taking a full 10 seconds to think of. The ginger eventually dives into the machine in an attempt at huffing kittens with the woman, who moved out of the way. He miraculously survives this, and is seen brushing the glass off of himself and brandishing a riot shotgun and leather jacket before the scene cuts. It next goes to a plane, where an actor portraying Zak Wilde is warning everyone about snakes on a plane. It turns into a sudden twist, as snakes suddenly appear on the plane. This was probably the only scene in the movie that managed to cause people to gouge their eyes out and castrate themselves after seeing the absolute horror onscreen. This was done so that they were purified and could not pass on what they had seen to their children. The movie eventually winds up in Michael Jackson's Chocolate Factory, a joke truly never heard of before by anyone. They must go into a wardrobe to escape the child molester before he harvests their skin and dances in it. The wardrobe takes them to Gnarnia (look, it's like Narnia except it has a "G" Isn't that funny?). A grues greets them and takes them to his house. MTV cribs starts, causing many to piss their pants with laughter (or disgust). It is at this point that one begins to think "Why the hell did I pay $12 to see this? I could have stayed home and been more entertained by a bucket of cat crap than I am now." It's too painful to continue writing about this utter Hindenburg of a movie, naming it so because of the firestorms that occur in the theater from heads exploding in sheer awe.

[edit] Review

Picture some bubbling diarrhea covered in pubic hair and marinara sauce and you have the idea: a piece of crap covered with more crap, then covered in good topping to attempt to hide the crap that lies beneath from people who may only look at it from the top.

• 1 out of 10
• Absolute catastrophe
• The computers around the world all read "catastrophic failure" when this movie was released.
• The long fabled war of the machines started because of this movie.
• Terrorists threatened massive retaliation for the suicides committed in their countries due to this movie.
• Mr. T pities the foo' that watches this movie.
• Chuck Norris cried when he saw this, then immediately killed everyone who ever had anything to do with the movie for making him shed a tear.
• The dump my dog took last night was more epic than this movie.
• After watching this movie, I turned into a mermaid. Yes, a mermaid. Epic Movie literally cut off my ability to reproduce.

[edit] Advice

If you see this movie, common side effects include nausea, vomiting out your insides, extreme depression, erectile dysfunction, spontaneous combustion, instant death, and PTSD. Doctors advise checking yourself into an asylum after seeing this miserable waste. If you do not check yourself into an asylum, remove all objects from your house and spend your days in your bed, chained down. Flak jackets and helmets are recommended in the theatre, as the crap spewing out of the screen may become projectile and seriously wound or kill if protection is not worn.

[edit] See also

• Crap