Eragon
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“I get it! It's "dragon" with a letter changed! That's pretty clever.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Eragon
“What's with the other elf girl with black hair and pointy ears? That is messed up!”
~ Arwen on Arya
“Børk børk børk, ït's lïkë fäkë Icëländïc büt wïth ümläüts. Wëll pläÿëd, Mr.Päölïnï, wëll pläÿëd.”
~ Öscär Wïldë on the Ancient Language
“The young peasant boy must rise to meet his destiny? What a twist!”
~ M. Night Shyamalan on Eragon
“I swear I think I've seen this before...”
~ Aragorn on Eragon
“I just wanna do obscene things to Edward Speleers manhood.”
~ Fangirl on Eragon
“If there was one place I felt safe, it was in my mother's womb.”
~ Murtagh on being a pervert
“An evil empire? Now where have I heard that?”
~ George Lucas on Eragon
We're sorry, you may have been looking for Star Wars or The Lord of the Rings or cheese and not even have known it.
Contents |
[edit] Introduction
Eragon, also called "Not Another Fantasy Epic" or "Not Another Fantasy Movie", is part of the book series known as the "Inheritance Bicycle", with yet so far one movie based upon these books. The story is that the mighty wizard Dumbledore the Gay must teach the hobbit Frodo Baggins from the planet Tatooine how to use the Force and journey to the dark realm of Angband in the far north to throw the Three Silmarils into the fires of Thangorodrim while resisting the temptations of the Dark Side and avoiding the stormtroopers of the evil Darth Morgoth and his sinister dragon Glaurung and, uh... wait a minute, that's not it. Oh, here's the right paper. Sorry for the mixup. Here follows the true plot.
[edit] Plot
When Eragon finds a giant blue egg in the forest (the Easter Bunny lost it, see), he immediately tries to destroy it with small incendiary devices placed cleverly around the stone in the shape of a smiley face. Upon their failure to explode, he decides to try and make an omelet. Instead of a delicious ham-and-cheese treat, the stone brings forth a blue eyes white dragon hatchling and a deck of cards to battle the Darkness, which Eragon promptly attempts to eat.
Eragon realizes he has stumbled upon another bad plot line; his simple "poor farmer" lifestyle of good old-fashioned hard work and chicken for breakfast is shattered. With only a sword so ancient it's completely rusted over, Eragon sets off on a pilgrimage to avoid his taxes--mainly, to find that secret spot he found in the forest so he can wait there and cry until Galbatorix dies. Accompanying him is the stalker, Brom, an old man with an unnatural fetish for dragons (though he swears that it isn't true and they can't prove anything). He becomes Eragon's teacher in many schoolings, including: lifting pebbles with his head, pinata thrashing, kung fu, metaphysics, theoretical mathematics, and pornography.
Along with Brom's never-questioned guidance, Eragon and the fledgling dragon must navigate the dangerous Kessel Run and avoid the dark servants of the Empire ruled by the, apparently Galbatorix (brother to Alphathorax), whose evil is so immense that he knows a revolver has five rounds and his first words as a baby were the world-destroying Black Speech spell "fo' shizzle ma nizzle". Can Eragon take on the evilly evil, super-evil overlord who is evil incarnate? In a fantastic and unforeseen twist of events (see quotes), it turns out he can, but then the entire book is revealed to be nothing but Panino's dream. However, Paolini is only dreaming it is his dream, and Eragon turns out to be dreaming that Christopher Paolini is dreaming it's his dream that's actually Eragon's dream. Then George Lucas realizes that he's dreaming about Eragon, not Star Wars. Pretty soon, a car hits Eragon.
[edit] Insignificant Characters
Saphira- See plot device.The physical manifestation of Eragon's (and obviously Paolini's) feminine side, Saphira's main task is to disagree with anything Eragon says, no matter how overwhelmingly logical,to make him as uncool as is humanly possible. The stress of this mission has had adverse affects upon her digestion and occasionally after large meals, she breathes fire while dealing with massive heartburn. Another minor task she fulfills is that of a walking plot device, which she is in fact quite talented at. Her talent as a walking plot device has earned her the nickname DeuM, a shortened version of "Deus ex Machina", which is Latin for "two sex machine".
Obi-Brom Kenobi-Obi-Wan Kenobi's bastard half-brother, Gandalf's wayward nephew, and Dumbledore's second cousin once-removed. After being convicted of impersonating his half-brother, Brom was sentenced to a life on an even more backwater planet than Tatooine, where he continued his impersonation outside of the long, well-tanned arm of the law. Before meeting Eragon, he supposedly spent his days glazy-eyed from opium as he stared at the unfathomably beautiful revolutions of the countless stars above. He also masturbated furiously to old manuscripts. Upon meeting Eragon and his wondrous dragon, he takes him to seek the Rebel Alliance's local chapter, the Varden, meanwhile managing to lead an army to the Varden's doorstep in a comical mishap. Brom suffered from a massive stroke in the middle of the book and collapsed. Unfortunately, he had been putting off teaching Eragon how to check a pulse, the result being that he was sealed in a solid diamond tomb. The tomb has been said to be gone now, as a diamond crazed Chuck Norris has been spotted around the area. Please, if you see him, call the police from Monty Python and the Holy Grail.
Arweia (aka Arya Awards)- She's the love interest, and according to the book description, she has a chin, hair, and eyes, lightning-shaped eyebrows, and possibly ears. Because she is a robot, she cannot return Eragon's feelings. She hates pie, that makes her a bitch.But she's the love interest and, like the main character, is exempt from the rules of the universe. She is introduced as an elvish stripper that joins Eragon & Co. on their adventure in an attempt to avoid paying her taxes. In order to protect her identity, she pretends to be the pine-fresh princess of Bel-Air. Eragon attempts to seduce her, but he was unable to remove her bra. He managed to escape by running away girlishly back to Murtan Solo, flapping his wrists in feminine arcs. Her exact age is unknown, but is estimated to be 516,879,768,423,798,465. Arweia is the only known living being this old that does not have saggy tits because of her Magical Leather Armor Of The Vegan +1.
Rorsam- Eragon's cousin, who has been praised for being an excellent hindrance to everyone he tries to help. Although he has fallen in love with the local butcher's daughter, Katrina, they have been forced apart due to her father's stubbornness and Rorsam's all-around incompetence--- and his love affair with donuts (Eldest, pg. 1312 - "You horrible, treacherous pig!" chortled Katrina unlaughterly. "For your adultery, you will go to H£LL in a doughnut basket, you worthless gazebo of excrement!") He adopted the name "Bongslammer" after Galbatorix's soldiers interrupted his hippie party and he killed them with a horse's tail. Unfortunately, this did affect his reputation as a hindrance, and he hasn't been able to find work since.
Darth Galbatorix- The evil king of Ahlhläëgällësuiäëä who owns one of the only dragons left in existence. He's so evil, he wears black and he's a Democrat! It's been said that he's been closeted inside his castle for the more than fifty years and has been documented as being extremely agoraphobic. This claim has been denied by his official spokesman however, who stated that he "simply has too much to do to take a break. Not everyone can live a simple "poor farmer" lifestyle." Later on, a national census was taken to see if people were frustrated by their leader's lack of social interest, but the overall response was one of confusion and many replies of "King Galby? I thought he was dead." He is also known as Aleister Crowley.
Durza - Many speculate he is the escaped left-overs from Carrot Top's plastic surgery. He is described as having red hair, alabaster skin and watery-red eyes, which led to traumatizing moments at Shade School in which he was teased for not being albino enough. The story has a happy ending however: Durza later became the official spokeman of King Galbatorix, totally shaming all the other Shades at their reunion. Because of his new-found importance, Durza was charged with the task of kidnapping Arya, but unfortunately, while he was having a raunchy, naked game of Tag with his Urgals to make sure they were all present, Arya rode by unscathed. Later on in the book he encounters Brom in an epic battle, but Brom sees his many freckles, is reminded of the constellations he adores, and stares at him lovingly. Nine months later, Durza gave birth to Mr. Bean.
Ajihad - Is black, and therefore dies during the series like most black people in books generally do.
Nasuada - Is black, like her father. As she is black and attempts to assassinate her have 'failed', she is most likely a zombie. She continues torment Farthen Dur's spellcasters by forcing them to make evil black lace to eat up some bitch called Leona Lewis, since she thinks the British singer is imitating her.
Faolin - An elf male who accompanied Arya in delivering the egg. Annoyed at being Arya's love interest, he rode ahead of Arya so he could have some time alone. He came across the unprepared Durza and the trolls, who were naked and wet. He asked who they were, and Durza replied that they were horny nymphs. Faolin stripped off his clothes and played raunchy tag with them, and upon seeing him, Arya shot him through the eye with a bow.
Trianna - She is the reincarnation of Paris Hilton. Infamous for having sex with all of the men in Alagaesia (which equals approximately two hundred), She is infamous for making up all the sex videos in the not-so-wide web of Alagaesia, including Murtagh (they had angst sex), Faolin (necrophilia), Roran (he cried), Orrin(they did things with test tubes), and Doughnut Man (they scissored, due to his unfortunate hole). She began another way of making money when Nasuada forced her, along with many characters from Hogwarts, to make her the evil lace. Being a sorceress, she gets her power from a similar source that Murtagh and Mrs Coulter. has: a gold origami of some ugly animal. While Murtagh has a dragon, and Mrs Coulter a monkey, Trianna has a snake. When her pay got low, she attempted to seduce Eragon into another one of her porn films, only to be scared away by Saphira's nasty breath that smelled peculiarly of Murtagh's underwear.
Doughnut Man- The towns doughnut seller in Carvahall. Everyone comes to him to buy their doughnuts. He sometimes sets up a marquee in the town centre and makes a day of it. Many people say that his existence is just so that there would be a treacherous Doughnut Man in the story, and to give him an aura of evil. Those against this character's existence claim that it is ridiculous that a Doughnut Man exists in such a small town. After all, can't the villagers go hunting for wild herds of doughnuts themselves?
Ra-fucking-zac- Take a whole jar of Prozac and shake it with a vengeance. According to legend, your large intestine will turn inside-out if they get close enough to breath on you. Their large beaks and fantastic Ringwraith impersonations have given them the reputation of being nearly as evil as Galbatorix herself, but as they will tell you, they are simply misunderstood. Sadly, racial tolerance wasn't invented until 1932. In turn, their amazing cooking talents will never be revealed.
Murtan Solo- Murtan Solo, though described as an obese version of Zelda, readers still imagine Murtan as Pyramid Head, despite Paolini's angry admonishments that only Eragon can have a chisel-like chin and a ridiculously long sword. After stealing cloaks from George Lucas, he tried to kill Eragon so he could steal the legendary Dragon Rider's clothing, but it turned out that Eragon's clothing is painted on and lead to an unfortunate accident where Murtan ripped off Eragon's skin and threw him at the door of Helgrind's chapel. Since then, he has been working as a hunter for Eragon & Co. to find meat and vegetables; they have learned, through time, to not remark upon the occasional finger they find in their hamburger.
Morzan(a)-Eragon's father. The shocking revelation haunted Eragon for all of one sentence. Readers were angry with this because they thought Eragon got over his grief too slowly, which Paolini is infamous for. For example, in Eldest, Eragon took too long to surrender everything he ever believed in because Oroda said so. As for Murtagh, he was a Dragonrider while still in the womb, and would play silly tricks like making his mother go insane. When he came out of the womb, he was holding a golden origami swan--his dragon--and the source of his sex magic. The elves adopted Mora, and he came under Darth Galb's tutelage; soon, like all dragonriders, he transformed into an obese chinaman. He can now be found working in the kitchens of Hogwarts, clad in a tunic and assless chaps.
Horst - Carvahall's local smith. He likes to force the Doughnut Man to package his meat, but if the Doughnut Man says no, he's chopped up with Horst's BIG knife.
Yorick - Eragon's lackey. He like meat and cutting things in half. He lives in a rock under Ajihad's basement, where he keeps all of his other insignificant fairytale pets. He is the adopted son of Golfcart, the Dwarf king who carries around a "big hammer".
Solembum - He's a solemn ass...gedit?
King Orrin - A character in the Inheritance cylce who appears in the second book: Eldest. A well known geek king who locks himself in his science lab and masturbates due to his failure in getting girls. Since the arrival of the Varden in his country of Surda, Orrin has been peeping on Nasuada while she is bathing and getting dressed, masturbating while doing so. King Orrin is childhood friends with Lady Nasuada, hence, he just cannot stop masturbating while thinking about her. His other interests include: Making out with his pillow, sucking his thumb, watching porn and eating glue.
He also starred in Mariah Carrey's music video, 'Touch My Body' as the nerd computer programmer. Sources have it that he was seen masturbating behind the soda machine while off set.
[edit] Extremely Insignificant Characters
Urgals - They are just grotesque forms of Murtagh on a bad hair day. And an over-done tan. VERY over-done.
Ra'Azac- The creatures which live on the old sandwich Eragon finds in his pocket.
Christopher Paolini- A panino with four cheeses, all "paosined".
[edit] Critical reaction
There has been much criticism of Eragon, regarding everything from word usage to the marketing techniques. The most frequent criticism heard is that it is far too original. They complain that Paolini's employment of such species as Elves, Dwarves, and an unheard-of race known as Urgals simply was incredibly novel and the exciting action in the story 'frightens them.' Many believe that it's a marvel that Eragon is even kept on bookshelves considering the amount of entertainment it contains.
Many reviewers also complained that Paolini's characters are far too complex and realistic for them to understand. They also complain that Alagaësia is far too complex a world to understand in just three volumes and that they would need another 447 volumes to fully appreciate the intricacies of Paolini's imaginary world. Likewise, critics have alleged that Paolini's use of frequent baroque descriptions are more fascinating and effective than any literary work ought to be.
His fantasy languages have attracted criticism for their lack of apostrophes, great lack of nonsense words with no vowels, major lack of unnecessary umlauts, and a consistency to rival Tolkien's languages.
Even Paolini's age has been subject to scrutiny. However, critics agree that his perpetual fifteen years of age has no bearing whatsoever on their opinions of his writing. The marketing department at Alfred A. Knopf also states that, "Thanks to Paolini's draw dropping talent and lack of personal connections, he is treated like any other writer we publish, with no special editing perks or marketing gimmicks."
The fan community has been quite sympathetic to both amateur and professional critics.
[edit] Reviews
- School Librarians Weekly said that the book would garden many fans, growing them up big and with lots of pesticides. They then went on to say that Eragon "approached the depth, uniqueness and mastery of J. R. R. Tolkien's works, and sometimes the Deus ex Magica solutions were perfect for getting out of sticky situations."
- Meanwhile, Children's Literature Monthly said Paolini's "eye and ear for detail approached his nose for detail especially in describing the natural world". Later on they were sued for reminding Paolini of the horrible car accident that left him with only one eye and one ear.
- Not all reviews were positive. In the famous New York Times "sour grapes" review, Sam Tanenhaus said that "Eragon depresses me. Paolini has mastered the English langugage and human psychology so well that I ought to quit literature and take up painting." Paolini later sent him a sympathy card written in Old Norse.
[edit] Thievery
Many people would not notice the subtle plagiarism Panino--er "Paolini" uses in his work, and so here follows a compilation of the more discreet incidents.
It has also been pointed out that many names in Tolkien's work resemble Eragon, including but not limited to:
- Arya Awards- Alphabet the Killer
- Ardwended - The Ugly Duckling
- Isentitsfar - Bob the Builder
- Mithrimil - Greg the Gregorious Gecko
- Eragon - Oprah Winfrey
- Angernost - Ronald Weasly
- Morgothal - l33t 5p34k3r
- Elessarian - Horny Mommy
- Furnostum - Ask Jeeves
- Hard Desert - Erector sets
- Melons - Water and Honey
- Vanila - Ecstasy
- Eridorst - Dora the Explorer
- Imladri - Don't you have anything better to do than read this shit?
- Roran - Girl Scouts of America
- Uragirl - Steve Urkel, Urgals, or (I can't believe its not orc!)
- Saphira - Paris Hilton
- Dark, evil people - The Knights Who Say Ni
- Galbatorix - H.R. Puff'n'Stuff
- Durza - The Abominal Snowman
- Nasuada - Queen Elizabeth the First
[edit] Adaptions to the books
- Paolini originally called Eragon "Gore" but decided against it as it didn't sound heroic enough - Originally Garrow had a massive mole on his face but it looked too ugly
[edit] The Books
The books are generally better than the movie like death by heart attack is better than being eaten alive by piranhas. Read if you fit the following categorical terms: masochist.
[edit] The Movie
The movie adaptation is essentially a piece of leprechaun shit. Apparently, some uncircumcised asshole named Stephen Fangmeier is responsible for this mess. He is now being sued for putting a home-made video from YouTube into the big screen because it was so full of bull shit and dildos. Apart from that, the species had lost the features which makes them unique from each other, for example:
1. The Elves lacked pointy ears. 2. The Dwarves are not short enough. 3. The Urgals were fat cavemen without horns. 4. Human penis' there were TOO small.
If you want to be Eragon for Halloween (though we don't know why you'd want to be something so hideous as to scare the children) you can purchase his pants from the movie at your local Target store. You can also visit the movie set by dropping yourself in the middle of some barren area, such as Montana or a random field in Iowa. Unfortunately, the sequel, Gragon, has already been announced but fans will not be able to see it any time soon due to mysterious eye implosions.
[edit] The Game
The game . . . actually manages to tell the story better then the movie. Unfortunately, the story is so terrible this really means nothing, and some argue it makes the game worse. It's basically the equivalent of taking a massive shit, then looking at it under a magnifying glass.
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