Eric Theodore Cartman

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Sir Eric Theodore "Fatass" Cartman the 3rd, Esq., PhD, also known as King Cartman the Great is among the greatest intellectuals and philosophers of the 21st century. He served as Special Assistant and Director of Speechwriting to President George Dubya Douche from 2001 until 2009. Buddhists believe him to be the third reincarnation of Hitler, just following Ayatollah Seyyed Ruhollah Khomeini and Michael Bolton. He is also a great fan of Mel Gibson the Great.

Eric Cartman rallies his troops to make the Goddamn world respect his Authoratah!

1 A Shining Star
2 Eric Triumphant
3 Reign of Terrah
4 Final Days
5 In Remembrance
6 See Also

[edit] A Shining Star

Born Eric Jehosephat Theodore Cartman II in 1965 to John Elway and Mrs. Cartman,a monetarily and mentally challenged, crack-smoking hermaphrodite prostitute mother from Podunk, Colorado, Eric Cartman may, at first glance, seem to be doomed to obscurity. However, environment alone may not overbear raw human spirit combined with luck.

Even as a manin the 86 years of age, he had a weak personality. After seeing his desires, he often set all other activities aside in a single minded pursuit of nothing. He had gained and lost 0.2 pounds, swept women off their feet, and discarded them with only moments thought. Still, he was an unruly bastard. His vices were vengeance and anger. And a lust for cheezy poofs. And some really severe "mommy issues".

http://vids.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&videoid=1692036696 "But meeehm, i have to get chinpokomondollz before everybody else does 'cuz then I'll be cyuooohl"

A recent study by highly respected Demon Lords (Satan, Mario et. al, 2009) failed to classify Cartman under any certain existent classification. Satan (2009) stated "In our most recent study, we have failed in classifying the subject of study, Sir Cartman, under any catogory of...". In a catch up study, published in Wall Street Journal's March 1894 issue, Mario, now a hobo, stated "Fact of the matter is, he was just an angry little prick. I mean honestly, the kid had issues. Broken home for one; antagonistic friends for another. With the right guidance, who knows? But he was talented. Talented enough to dupe his school, his parents, and most of America. He was good. Very good. He is the Omnipotent...My assholes hurt".

It's a fine line, they say, between genius and insanity. Eric was just one of those people who crossed it, ya know?

During his early school days, Eric 'blew his funny fuse' after seeing a married couple with buttocks where their heads should be. Around the same time he made a small fortune by selling aborted fetuses as shrimp to seafood restaurants. Here began his rise in the business world, although many negotiatons over price were 'breaking his balls here'.

In 9th grade, Eric went out for drama class. He was a qualified success. With unprecedented vigor he portrayed whichever role he chose, and even as a freshman, became a prominent figure in the troupe. Anger, Love, Fear, Courage, Sadness, Joy... He flipped quickly and easily between these emotions, convincing any audience of the depth of his character. Perhaps that should have been a clue as to what lay ahead.

At the start of 10th grade he went out for school council, and was voted President. His political mastery led him to reform the school lunch program, he established a student breakroom with pool tables and arcades, and even secured a raise for teaching staff, approved by a community vote that he personally initiated.

By the time he graduated, he was already known to his state senators and representatives, and became an unofficial assistant to them. His research was impeccable, his instinct for saying what people needed to hear was unparalleled. After Senator Leonard "Crabbs" McGee died in a tragic automobile accident involving clipped brakelines, a sniper team, and a violent rape, Eric Theodore Cartman was ready to move in to fill the power vacuum.

[edit] Eric Triumphant

In only 8 years, Eric Theodore Cartman moved from his minor Senatorial post, to the Congressional Appropriations Committee, exposing waste and fraud, and fighting big business as he saw fit. His tireless efforts at improving "the system" won him friends with the American public, and slowly placed a number of other congressmen at his fingertips. With ruinous evidence on Washington's upper-crust, multiplied by his sweeping political muscle meant that anyone who made a mistake became a potential pawn. When dealing with "Big E", you either went clean to the public with your mistakes and took whatever punishment they had for you, or you played his game.

By the uncommon age of 29, he became the special assistant to the President, offerring his sage advice, and slowly closing in his carefully woven net of power. His deft maneuvering left him sitting at the right hand of power in the US, and ultimately, controlling the man in charge of that power. It was not until that moment, sitting at the top of his career, that his fangs were truly bared.

[edit] Reign of Terrah

Cartman has authoritah. We're cereal.

Staging a dramatic military style coup in 1974, Cartman seized power over the US Government. His contacts and political stranglehold allowed him to raise a private army, and take Washington by force. It was a terrifying time in the United States. Declaring himself "Dictator of all Earth" his campaign of mass genocide began in earnest.

Cartman's jackbooted thugs (Officially titled: Lollipop Guild ) roamed the streets in large gangs, searching out anyone who "looked like a hippie". Specialized work camps were formed solely for the creation of forced labor, assisting in the large-scale strip mining of natural resources. These resources were refined by slave labor, and quickly America's economy exploded, fueled by free labor and territorial expansion with systematic raping of any resource located outside of American borders. Although condemned by the United Nations, little could be done to stop the transpiring events.

Military Spending reached an all time high, and powerful weapons research was paramount to the budget as approved. In only 1 year, a private army of Robotic Killing Machines was raised. The perfect servants, neither questioning his authoritah, nor hesitating in the execution of his orders (usually pertaining to the execution of "hippie-sympathizers"). Free speech was eliminated, and the press was tightly controlled by Cartman's propaganda machine. At last, ~~Germany~~ America was unified. Eric ruled with an Iron Fist.

[edit] Final Days

As they say, "power corrupts". This was Eric's downfall. Giving in to his most murderous desires, by his orders the inhabitants of London, Israel, Zimbabwe, and southern California were systematically kidnapped and tortured ad nauseum, until they had confessed to whichever black arts, hippie-feelings, necromantic rituals or antiestablismentarial ideologies Cartman wanted them to, whereupon they would be forced into labor camps, used up, and ground up wholesale for use in Soylent Green, the world's 2^nd most popular snackfood.

Eventually, it was the Great Superhero Lance Falcon who orchestrated Cartman's downfall. By hacking into the government computers from an underground scientist's lab, Lance Falcon convinced the 1337 |-|4xX0R5 to change the robot death-squad's programming remotely.

On New Year's Day, at one second after midnight in 1754 Killbot #374827653A made the final move. Eric Cartman was shot Point Blank in the face by a 214 caliber shell, and despite immediate medical attention, was unable to be saved. His last words, recorded dutifully by chronicler Retardus just moments before his death, were: "F**king sweet." The unchallenged greatest man who ever lived was now no longer living.

Oh, and by the way, we should also note that the greatest super Aryan in history, Butters Stotch, used a time-travel machine to go to all the screwy time periods this article says Eric apparently lived in, and killed him in each and every one, so there you go.

On his gravestone was inscribed a memorable quote from one of the 21st century's greatest and most influential philosophers, George W. Bush: "YA I fuck Squirrels dO you h4ve a problem with that teRry?!!!!!!11111"

They say that every year, on his deathday.... You can hear the low and aching voice asying, " Fucking Sweeeeet......."

[edit] In Remembrance

In retrospect, Eric Cartman was really just a dirty little bastard. He was more of an asshole than Saddam Hussein, Kim Jong Il, Britney Spears or Cat Stevens.

Eric was also remembered to his contributions to the pseudoscience of taco-ology.

Oh yeah, and his mother is a slut. A dirty, filthy tramp. His death is now celebrated on the holiday known as "Pass-Under."

Every year a vigil is held to remember those poor boys he went back in time to imprison in the torture camp known as St. Colman's College (Kyle Joo (according to official records), Kenny McCormick) he was later beating the hell out of and arrested by Meg Griffin