Erin Esurance

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“That bitch is a fuckin' BITER!”

~ Kim Possible on Erin Esurance

She may look hot, but that's only a disguise for the real evil within...

Erin Esurance (birthdate unknown) is the mascot of an insurance company known as Esurance, and is the leader of their campaign to promote the company through the most aggressive means possible: Either you join Esurance, or you die. While the commercials feature Erin as a happy-go-lucky, adventurous lady, she is in actuality a cold-blooded mass murderer, but only guns for those who refuse Esurance's offers.

[edit] Early Life

Erin Esurance was born under mysterious circumstances involving six salesmen, twenteen slices of sweet rhubarb pie, and three gallons of toxic syrup. Details on what date she was born is unknown, but it is estimated she may have been born 50 years ago. This has not yet been proven.

The salesmen, of course, were not just ordinary salesmen but they were VAMPIRE PIRATE INSURANCE SALESMEN (also known as Vampiratesalesmen). It is estimated that the DNA of these wicked creatures were inserted into the fetus of a baby to create Erin. She knew nothing of the methods of which she was altered and felt strange, dazed and confused as she grew up later throughout her life. She would work under many jobs, including a burger flipper.

[edit] Esurance: The Armageddon

It wasn't until recently in 2004 that a company known as Esurance would notice her talents while she was working as a police cop. Seeing her extraordinary skills, she was then kidnapped from her home and employed by the group under the supervision of a smelly woman who never bathed named Kristin Brewe, who, in an act of insanity, believes Erin is her daughter, referring to her as a "labor of love". Forcibly trained to become a deadly spy, Erin would soon be bound to work for Esurance by stealing information from other insurance companies. Fucking thief. They also changed her hair to pink for some unfathomable, cruel reason because that's what they all voted on. They used a highly toxic chemical to forever alter her hair, further mentally scarring the already mentally scarred Erin, and ensuring her growing insanity to this day.

Kristen, being the insane woman she is, says that someday, Erin will fight global warming alongside Al Gore while donning a sexy negligee and carrying a jar of peanut butter just to arouse the men before she robs them of their insurance money. She believes Al Gore will be wearing a leather French maid outfit and a bondage mask (which she seems to fantasize about way too often).

[edit] The Victims, The Body Count, And So Forth

To further convince you she's evil, here she is chatting with Tom Cruise.

Today, Erin still works with Esurance. As of late, they have put her through many grueling tests in order to ensure the downfall of other insurance companies, such as fighting robots, engaging in menial sports with giant robots, and running away from ninjas. She is also now ¼ machine, which means she's one quarter machine, ½ vampirate, and all evil, personified in the body of a sexy, freak-haired, female woman girl. Her fingernails hide miniature buzzsaws underneath of which with a sweep of her hand she can mow down even the mightiest of men. Her toes fire tiny homing rockets that make the victim's head explode when they fly into their ears! Her eyes contain lasers that melt the strongest steel! Oh, and she hides a flamethrower in her butt.

Aiding her in her death march is a mysterious stranger who only wishes to call himself the Mysterious Stranger. He is so mysterious, he is rumored to be working with other insurance companies, but Esurance has not been able to prove it. Ooooh. MYSTERY! He may also be related to The Sphinx from The Mystery Men Movie, whose powers include being "Terribly Mysterious". Truly, truly, truly mysterious... (NOT outrageous. Sorry Jem Fans, but he's mysterious. Which is much, much, much cooler than being truly, truly, truly outrageous.)

One of Erin's many, many victims.

Erin is also currently forced into a very fierce battle between Esurance and GEICO. She denies any rumors of masquerading with a small green gecko, and that she is out for his blood. The Mysterious Stranger wasn't available for comment.

There have also been rumors of Erin dating the GEICO caveman but this is also not confirmed. The caveman, when questioned about being involved with the Esurance girl, reacted angrily saying "What, so I'm not 'evolved' enough to be dating a cartoon homo-sapien?!" then rolled his eyes, and shook his head, "Excuse me, I've got a call from my mom, I'll put it on speaker phone," he then said before answering a cell phone.

[edit] Other Things to Note

"They should have invested in Esurance," says Erin, before promptly blowing them away...

Erin's handiwork has claimed the lives of 100 insurance companies. Yours may be next!
She hates you and she wants you to die unless you invest in Esurance.
It is rumored she may be in love with the Mysterious Stranger, but the Mysterious Stranger refuses to tell.
The motorcycle she drives is actually made from the bones of her victims.
Have you ever seen the Hulk cry? Erin has. Twice.
If you see all of the Esurance commercials, backwards, while tripping on acid, the meaning of life will unfold before your eyes and you will have to kneel down and cry. Results may vary, but you will probably have an epilectic seizure and swallow your own tongue by the time the third car explodes in less than two seconds.
She used to be "male" until the old "he" got the perfect (best) sex change operation, or so the rumors say. Esurance continually denies this, and when asked, Erin simply smiles before asking, "Have you invested in Esurance yet?"
She killed an entire group of teenagers with the help of a bazooka
When you walk outside and aren't eaten by dinosaurs, you can thank Erin Esurance for their extinction.
Erin's blood is comprised of the five following elements, in equal parts: Snake Venom, Mountain Dew, Candy Corn, Nacho Cheese and Fairy Dust.