Ernie
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
“Although I'd never be without my blow-up doll, I don't understand his interest in rubber duckies. But then again, I don't understand what he sees in Bert either.”
~ Oscar Wilde on the importance of being Ernie
“Who knew that having a Head like a Football would amuse Children everywhere, too bad about being Gay though...”
~ Big Bird on These Feathers are Real you know!
“There is my bitch!”
~ Bert on On raping Ernie in the bedroom
Ernie (b. March 31 1969) was a renowned, impotent Muppet who is known for being a children's television star, and mule. He is also famous for being romantically linked in an abusive relationship with his gay roommate, Bert. He was almost murdered by Barney the Dinosaur in 1994 after taking smoking pill drugs. Ohnoitsjamie likes to ass fuck Ernie when Bert is on vacation fucking hoes from Miami.
Contents |
[edit] Early years
Born Ernest Oliver Cunningham Fitz-Gerald IIIThe son of poor Polish rubber ducky farmers, Ernie always knew he was destined for greatness. Or maybe a cheese sandwich. Probably greatness though.
[edit] Ernie At War
At the tender age or 17, Ernie was drafted into the U.S. Army during the Vietnam conflict, working mostly in transport, occasionally working as a sentry. During this time, he first experimented with the use of Rubber Duckys. He also tried to avoid service by crossdressing so as to be branded as insane (which, as has been all ready stated, only worked up to a marginal point, merely relegating him to a M*A*S*H unit). The Vietnam War proved to be Ernie's worst time of his life: his puppet ass got raped under the shower and he also gained the nickname "The crazy fuckdoll".Finally, during a guerrilla offensive by the Viet-Cong Ernie was wounded by a stray sheet of bullets and seriously wounded.
Unable to continue his military service, Ernie was released from active duty.
[edit] Ernie at Sesame Street
Unable to find work during the 70's stagflation, and too proud to move back in with his family, Ernie took to the streets. Wandering the alley ways of Sesame Street, Ernie was eventually picked up by Bert, who would come to be his partner and handler for four decades.
Bert provided Ernie with money and lodging in exchange for the fact that everything would be in Ernie's name as to avoid both legal hassle, documentation of his whereabouts, and the sexual advances of the Snuffleupagous and Telly Monster.
Ernie thought nothing odd of this arrangement and agreed to it.
[edit] Life in crime
Ernie's unwitting foray into crime continued for several years, during which he and Bert became notorious on the eastern seaboard for their audacious evil plans and brutal revenge slayings.
Ernie even sent Elmo off to Los Angeles to attend the 'School of Life'. Later evidence confirmed that Ernie believed this to be a prestigious public school, although in reality it was Bert's attempt to establish a west coast operation.
[edit] Ernie in show biz
Bert eventually brought Ernie into his occupation as a performer of third reich propoganda. Ernie again suspected nothing, thinking it was just children's entertainment. Bert eventually convinced Ernie to join the short lived death metal group, the Traumatizerz. [1]
[edit] Ernie Comes out of the Closet
Ernie Finally in 1999 came out in a Media Fury, declaring that he is in fact "Gay!". He said that Bert and himself have been in a monogamous relationship for several years and if it weren't for the Constitution not allowing Gay Marriage, they'd be married already!
[edit] Ernie as a Drug Dealer
When Bert's other plans fell through, he himself fell to an all time low. Bert gave Ernie a bag of mixed marijuana and cocaine, and told him to deliver it to Big Bird. Ernie, thinking it was a snack mix, ate a little bit, and a little bit more, until he had eaten the whole thing before he had gotten to Big Bird's. When he ran back to his house, Bert beat him mercilessly. For the next few weeks, Ernie thought he was a Drug Dealer. Eventually, Chuck Norris, fellow ex Traumatizer, Roundhouse kicked Ernie until he went back to normal.
[edit] Ernie and Elmo
Despite being abused so harshly by Bert, Ernie has actually had a relationship with the crazy muppet Elmo. Ernie was taken back in time to the 1790's, where he and Elmo had consentual relations in a cotton patch, right after Elmo invented the cotton gin. Unfortunately, Elmo hadn't washed with Tide Color-preservation technology, thus tainting Elmo's skin orange. Upon returning to Bert, Ernie was beaten like a red-headed step child. Deciding that he wouldn't take it any longer, Ernie consulted long-time friend Oscar Wilde. Taking Oscars advice, Ernie returned home to Bert and shot him in the face fifty-seven times. Unfortunately, Bert lived after months of hospital care because his brain is kept in only the top half of his abnormally long forehead - something Ernie had not foreseen. He returned home, the two made amends, and invited Oscar Wilde over for some hash brownies.
[edit] Bird Fetish
Although it is common knowledge that Ernie is a raving homosexual, it has also been rumored that he has had sexual encounters with a yellow duck who he calls "Rubber Ducky". Although he claims they only bathe together, the Duck believes the way Ernie squashes him and rubs his tummy is a little odd. He also notices that Ernie's undersized genitals are viewable, which is never the case unless he is fully erect. Ernie denies these allegations and says that the duck is only seeking attention from the media. This is not the first reported incident of Ernie's bird abuse. The local oversized bird, Big Bird is also thought to be an object of Ernie's objections. Ernie has often been noted to say he loves "Big yellow cock". Upon investigating the size of his Partner Berts genitalia, it is thought to be unlikely that this is what he is referring to. Other rumoured victims of this sexual predator are Tweety, Donald Duck and Woodstock.
[edit] Currently
Ernie is currently wanted by the FBI for questioning as to the jail break of convicted burglar and suspected child molester and public exhibitionist Elmo (who recently passed away, allegedly by Homer Simpson, then known as Omar Samshoon, in an act of terrorism, slaying him with a lightsaber, reportedly for religious reasons). Ernie is believed to be residing somewhere in California while serving on the public council at Disney's California Adventure, the most powerful and enjoyable empire in the world. Also, it's possible that he was also messing away with Pingu & Robbie.
