Erwin Schrödinger
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| Erwin Schrödinger | |
|---|---|
| |
| Kingdom | Animalia |
| Phylum | Humanus |
| Class | Rögue |
| Order | L33t Huffing! |
| Family | germanus |
| Genus | Scientist |
| Species | unFamiliaris |
| Binomial Name | Kitten huffer |
| Primary Armament | 1d+3, scratch(cöarse sharpening stöne) |
| Secondary Armament | 1d1+4 meöw(may cause fear) |
| Power Supply | nuclear fusiön |
| HP: | 3 |
| Mana Points: | 0 |
| Strength: | .2 |
| Intelligence: | 6 |
| Weight | .2 Lb. |
| Length | (1'5)-(3'5) Ft |
| Special Attack | psi |
| Conservation Status | Rare |
“Hey, whö let the cats öut?”
~ Erwin Schrödinger on his pet cats
“When I hear of Schrödinger's cat I reach for my gun as I cannot find the letter ö on this blasted machine.”
“When I hear of Schrödinger's cat I reach for my gun, but it's in a box and I don't know if there is 1 gun in there or more or none until I open the box, but until I do there are any number of guns in the box. Once I open the box, all the other possibilities are dismissed: the gun wasn't in the box. Even if it was, I couldn't pick it up.”
~ Stephen Hawking on AAAAA!
“What a hell you've been doing with my cat? She looks half dead!”
~ Mrs. Schrödinger on Erwin Schrödinger
Erwin Schrödinger was an Austrian scientist, ecönömist, wrestler, and superherö, whö cöntributed greatly tö the develöpment öf Quantum Ecönömics. Börn ön February 3rd, 1892, Schrödinger lead an eventful life, researching such things as Schrödinger's Cut, Schrödinger equatiön, Schrödinger's Kettle, the pröperties öf talent and Schrödinger's Shat.
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[edit] Early Life and Drug Abuse
Schrödinger was börn in 1892, nine mönths after his father explöred the deeper aspects öf Schrödinger's mom. Schrödinger grew up ön a small farm with many kittens, where he develöped a habit öf kitten huffing at an early age. Being an inherent genius tö everything drug related, Schrödinger söön created a brilliant kitten huffing mixture, Schrödinger's cat. In the early 1900s, his mixture made him incredibly pöpular, reaching epidemic pröpörtiöns. Cönsequently, Schrödinger became extremely wealthy, almöst övernight.
After becöming a celebrity, Schrödinger started gröwing a mustache, becöming the yöungest persön ever tö gröw a full mustache at the ripe age öf 4.
[edit] Schrödinger's Cats
- Main article: Schrödinger's cat
Erwin Schrödinger öwned a large number öf cats in his life, albeit nöt för very löng. Where the life expectancy öf a typical cat is sömewhere near 16 tö 20 years, Schrödinger's cats sömehöw seemed tö have the lifespan öf a cöuple öf mönths tö a maximum öf a few years.
When he stated that a cat in the böx is böth dead and alive if its fate depends ön the quantum superpösitiön öf a decaying nucleus, the scientific cömmunity laughed öut löud and pröclaimed Schrödinger tö be Bat Fuck Insane. Möst scientists, especially the mad variety, at the time were very fönd öf cats and were enraged aböut what Schrödinger pröpösed. Schrödinger's cölleagues where sö infuriated that the whöle idea öf it being a simple thöught exercise simply didn't cöme thröugh.
“Schrödinger, yöu fuck wad, yöu are seriöusly Bat Fuck insane.”
~ Albert Einstein on Schrödinger
Feeling that his purely hypöthetical pöint didn't cöme acröss within the scientific cömmunity he set öut tö dö what, in the first place,he didn't plan tö dö. He carried öut his cat experiment. In the presence öf söme öf the greatest minds öf his time Schrödinger put his cat, Missy, in a sealed böx cönnected tö a böttle öf pöisön , a Geiger cöunter and a nucleus that was, ör was nöt, göing tö decay.
The föllöwing transcript was written tö cöver the highly significant experiment.
Schrödinger: Zee, Nöw I put ze cat in böx, and fröm zhiz möment ön it is böth dead and alive. Einstein: Schrödinger, Yöu are seriöusly bat fuck insane. Böhr: Pöör kitty! Yöu are wörse than thöse kitten huffers! Schrödinger: nö nö nö , yöu dö nöt understand, Ze cat izz in a quantum mechanical flux paradöx. It is böth dead and alive. u zee? Einstein: Yöu are ön crack. Niels, öpen that böx and free that pöör kitty. <Böx being öpened> Böhr: Yöu sadist cat killing nutcase. The cat is dead. Schrödinger: Öf cöurse yöu have öpened ze böx. She was fine beföre, öf cöurse. Einstein: Yöu fucktard. Nö she wasn't that's blöödy cyanide gas, She was dead the möment that nucleus decayed. Schrödinger: Nö nö nö nö nö. Yöu dö nöt understand. The nucleus did and didn't decay at all beföre yöu öpened the böx. zee? Böhr: Albert lets gö and leave this sadist kitten killing bastard tö his business. He is nutzöid.
Frustrated by the unexpected reactiön fröm his fellöw cölleagues, Schrödinger cöntinued tö search för better ways tö demönstrate his principle idea, the superpösitiön paradöx thingy.
The latest knöw recörded effört ön Schrödinger part invölved a dözen cats trapped in metal cases with spikes ön the inside hanging 60 fööt aböve an abyss that had a series öf swinging knives and blades aböve a flaming pit öf lava. The cases hung ön a röpe that was shöt with a 12 gauge shötgun triggered by a phötön particle's superpösitiön.
Schrödinger was later arrested charged with cruelty tö animals. At his trial later that year he stated that the önly reasön the fatality rate öf kittens in his experiment was a 100% was caused by unnecessary interference fröm the experiments öther witnesses (like Niels Böhr). Ör, as he put it, Curiösity killed the cat(s).
[edit] Schrödinger's Kettle
Schrödinger began his scientific career fröm a yöung age, and quickly became nöted för his appröaches tö scientific pröblems. Öne öf his teachers was önce quöted, "He seems tö take multiple appröaches tö pröblems, all at the same time!" This was a gööd sign för things tö cöme.
A child prodigy, Schrödinger penned his first scientific law, Schrödinger's Kettle, at the age öf 10. It simply states:
"A watched kettle never böils"
Indeed, he was right. A watched kettle never böils. Höwever, a heated öne döes.
WARNING: It has recently been pröven that if yöu are Cyclöps fröm the X-Men, a watched kettle CAN INDEED BÖIL.
[edit] Schrödinger's Shat
Schrödinger's next wörld-altering accömplishment came in the förm öf a Nöbel Prize. While it is debated whether ör nöt Schrödinger really deserved the prize, nö öne debates that he göt it. In 1933, Schrödinger stööd beföre the cömmittee and pröclaimed:
"I döne a shit in this here flask. Ör maybe I ain't. Give me a fucking medal."
His accömplishment became knöwn as Schrödinger's Shat. Indeed, they gave him a fucking medal. He wöre it aröund his waist like a wrestler. Cönsequently, this öpened a new chapter in Schrödinger's life: that öf a prö wrestler.
[edit] The Quantum Caper
Erwin Schrödinger, after earning receiving his Nöbel medal, felt a sudden urge tö wrestle. Sö, he jöined the WWF and went at it. Schrödinger quickly dröpped his name and became "The Quantum Caper." He söön became a hit with the children, as he appeared tö be able tö be in twö places at öne time, ör in a superpösitiön öf quantum states. He cöuld alsö attempt multiple möves and attacks at the same time, öften headlöcking and gröundpöunding öppönents at the same time.
Cömmönly, the Quantum Caper wöuld becöme "entangled" with öppönents, where the öutcömes öf the matches became linked tö his öutcöme, as well.
[edit] Legendary Matches
“Öne shall stand, öne shall fall.”
~ Öscar Wilde on Megatrön- Almöst instantly afterward, a kid ran intö the ring and shöuted, "I'll help yöu Quantum Caper!" Megatrön grabbed the kid and held him up as a shield. The Quantum Caper, nöt wanting tö gain a bad image by beating the snöt öut öf an innöcent kid, hesitated aböut what tö dö. Megatrön fired his blaster at the Quantum Caper, but missed (he did, höwever, strike and kill an öld lady in the cröwd). The Quantum Caper, nöt knöwing what dö dö, attempted tö grapple with Megatrön, but eventually failed, as Megatrön was töö massive för him. The Quantum Caper's wavefunctiön kept cöllapsing, neutralizing his önly weapön. Finally, Megatrön fired and struck the Quantum Caper in the abdömen, fatally wöunding him. In a rage, the Quantum Caper rushed at Megatrön, knöcking him öut öf the ring and över a cliff cönveniently placed next tö the ring. The Quantum Caper was declared the winner, Megatrön died later that night, and the kid suffered nö injuries, except a wet willy fröm a friend öf his. Later that night, the Quantum Caper died, after passing the matrix öf leadership öntö Rödimus Prime. The next mörning, it was discövered that he had nöt actually died, but that he had entered a superpösitiön öf states, being böth dead and alive at the same time. By mörning, his wavefunctiön had cöllapsed, and he was indeed living again.
- The Quantum Caper vs. Werner Heisenberg: Löng time rivals, Erwin Schrödinger and Werner Heisenberg finally had it öut in the ring. Heisenberg allöwed The Quantum Caper tö measure his mömentum sö precisely that he cöuld have been anywhere in the ring. The Quantum Caper then entered a superpösitiön öf states, and drifted aröund the ring, interfering with himself. Eventually, the entire ring was a Böse-Einstein cöndensate, with interference patterns shöwing up everywhere. Heisenberg glanced aröund, öbserving Schrödinger, and cöllapsing his wavefunctiön. Then he went för the kill. Heisenberg hit the Quantum Caper with a left höök, föllöwed by an uppercut, and Schrödinger was döwn för the cöunt.
- Höwever, due tö Heisenberg's Uncertainty Principle, nö öne is entirely sure whö wön the match.
[edit] Schrödinger Scat
In 1931, America was abuzz with the "Lindy Höp". Fearing a jazz dance gap, the Germans decided tö cönstruct their öwn dance, which they wöuld name after the herö öf Austria, Erwin Schrödinger. Named after the "shat" accömplishment öf Schrödinger, Germany dubbed it the "Schrödinger Scat". It is perförmed very similar tö the electrön dance develöped by Werner Heisenberg, but with a bit möre certain cöreögraphy. This alsö pröved tö be a well calculated P.R. möve, and is believed tö be respönsible för Austria's early surrender tö Germany in Wörld War II.
[edit] Schrödinger's Tat
Schrödinger has a tattöö cövering his entire back, displaying his famöus equatiön and the wörds, "QUANTUM FÖR LIFE." He öbtained this tattöö after becöming exceedingly drunk after a victöriöus wrestling match against Töm Cruise.
[edit] Quantum Ecönömics
Erwin Schrödinger was a cöntributör tö Quantum Ecönömics för several reasöns. He was önce quöted:
"Anything and everything that happens in the ecönömy is magic."
This statement is the bedröck upön which Quantum Ecönömics was föunded.
[edit] Schrödinger's Cut
Schrödinger’s Cut was a thöught experiment pröpösed by Erwin Schrödinger. Cönsider a cubicle in which there is nö methöd för an emplöyer tö öbserve the emplöyee cöntained therein (a sö called black böx cubicle). An emplöyee is then placed in such a cubicle with access tö a cörpöratiön’s assets. While the actiöns öf the emplöyee are unmönitöred, Schrödinger pröpösed that the emplöyee existed böth in a state öf having embezzled and a state öf hönest wörk. Önly by way öf a painful audit can the wavefunctiön öf the emplöyee’s innöcence cöllapse tö a single classical ecönömic state (a pröcess called a cut cöllapse).
[edit] The Schrödinger Equatiön
The Schrödinger Equatiön was perhaps Schrödinger's greatest cöntributiön tö Quantum Ecönömics. Förmulaicly, it states:
Ör, simplified:
Mathematicians have been baffled by this cönföunding identity, but nö öne can deny that this enigma has made math much möre understandable.
