Essex

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“I went to essex once. I shall never go again”

~ Oscar Wilde on Essex

Although long believed to be a place made up by parents to scare children in to behaving, the county of Essex was recently found to really exist. Tucked in to the south-east of England, it is the birth place of many undesirable forms of humanity, including the Essex boy, the Essex Girl, the gary boy and the chav. There have been no official attempts to eradicate Essex since the romans were booted out in 540 AD, but in recent years London has made several attempts to absorb the county in to its ever expanding Axis of Evil.

[edit] Past

Essex was first colonised in 230BC by chavs from the Birmingham area. These chavs were swiftly chased away to Suffolk by romans who built many houses and put their capital in Colchester. The chavs, threatened by the roman's poofy interior design and bestiality, decided to rise up with the help of a mouthy ginger woman and kicked them all the way to St. Albans before being impaled several times over. The romans decided not to return and the chavs migrated back, establishing many council estates on their way. Not much has happened between then and now, though Gerogre Orwell wrote a book called 1984 with the serving suggestion of having Colchester nuked by the Russians. Unfortuneately, no one has translated 1984 in to Russian yet, but we can always hope.

[edit] Present

In line with the government's recent anti-heritage policy, large areas of Essex are being bulldozed and turned in to "health villages" or "social regeneration projects" destroying what little architectural interest it has. The major epicentre of this work is Colchester, England's oldest and most dilapidated town. A chav was asked for his views on the matter, but couldn't be understood.

Essex is also known as the "motherland" to many City Wankers whom emerged from there on interships. They discarded the howling cries of "Bananas, bananas, bananas" from markets stalls to, "Oil, oil, oil". These utterances are the only major sociological changes attributed to City workers from Essex.

Often found dwelling in converted petrol stations and old grannies' lofts, the Essex people will rent anything in London as long as there is a Toni & Guy nearby. These hair salons provide much needed drop in centres to those whose raison d'etre is launching into diatribes about their cancer kissed holidays and their degrees; not educational, rather the extent to which they were whammowed.

In 1994 Mohammed was resurrected on Romford high street but shortly killed by chavs with BB guns. They probably couldnt afford to steal a real one.

[edit] Future

In 2038, someone will finally have translated 1984 in to Russian, where by the acting president Yuri Yuri Vodkaninskileninda will nuke Colchester, and Basildon just in case. When Russia does nuke Colchester (and Basildon) a prophesy says that the earth will be invaded by a bunch of bananas and we will be made human slaves in a banana nation.

[edit] Essex-On-Sea

Essex is one of the few places in England which still feels the need to add on-sea to the names of towns. This is to prevent the local populace from constantly falling in to said sea and causing yet more chaos to its underfunded and disorganised emergency services. In places not bearing the names, many people drown. Daily at 8.30am and 5pm hordes of people can be seen in a mass exodous towards the sea at Mistly and Harwich, and as such it has been proposed they be renamed Mistly-On-Sea and Harwich-On-Sea to curtail this, although it has also been suggested that Mistly be sold to the Dutch to save it from the tyranny of Essex in general.

[edit] Major Towns In Essex

• Chelmsford - Home of the call centre.
• Southend-On-Sea - Home of the gary boy.
• Basildon - This is where your hard earned money is sent to pay for single mothers.
• Harlow - Invented the "drive by" mugging.
• Romford - Home of the chav.
• Colchester - Has a university and 2 colleges, although 1 isn't really a college, it's a place for chavs, Romans and pikeys who claim they go to college, it's called the Dumbstitute.
• Brentwood-though not confirmed many sightings from scouts from Chelmsford suggest it is real.
• Clacton-On-Sea - What Auschwitz would have been like if Hitler hated old people instead.
• Braintree - Very misleadingly named small town: the majority of inhabitants have an IQ of "Error 3". 2 in 5 people here are ranked with a gay rating higher than 8 on the homo-richter scale. Avoid if you don't like pink.
• Bocking - High amounts of inbreeding. Average School leaving age 7.
• Halstead - This town does not actually exist, anyone who claims to have seen Halstead obviously purchased drugs in Colchester
• Witham - A minimum-security prison, so minimum it doesn't need guards or walls!!!! In fact, prisoners can openly walk free with the rest of the public.
• Maldon - The result of the rapists who escaped the Witham prison mating with various ugly animals.
• Harwich - For the continent
• Frinton - For the incontinent

[edit] Why? Just, why?

This is a question posed by many upon entering the county. A suitable answer has not yet been provided by anyone, but an evacuation and compensation scheme is being established by the government for all who can prove to have entered the county unwittingly or against their will.