Everwood

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“Is that possible?”

~ Doctors on probable improbabilities

“Fuck, Everwood's cancelled??”

~ Oscar Wilde on Everwood

“Yes.”

~ Everyone Ever

Madison: I don't understand how I could get pregnant, I mean we didn't even...

Ephram: Hello? I was in you, and when you went to reach for the condoms on the table above me you moved and that made me blow my load. Holy shit did you seriously not get that?

Delia: Dad, why is my chest getting bigger?

Andy: Jesus, it never ends with you.

Amy: Bright, who do you think's hotter, Greg Berlanti or--

Bright: GREG BERLANTI.

Amy: I hate how you look in the mirror when you say that.

Everwood was at one point perhaps the best show on TV, but the world will never know, because Seventh Heaven destroyed it using its Satanic powers. It is said that destroying Everwood was Aaron Spelling's way to remind us mortals that although he is dead, his evil still lives on. Everwood has since been referred to as Deadwood.

Sadly, Everwood only lived to see 89 episodes, while 7th Heaven is airing its 666th episode this week.

Contents 1 Plot 2 Characters 2.1 Main Characters 2.2 Recurring Characters 3 How To Tell The Characters Apart 3.1 Normal Characters 3.2 Awesome Characters 3.3 Not So Normal Characters 3.4 TEH HAWTZ OMG 3.5 NEEDS TO DIE K? 4 Other Countries 5 Episodes 5.1 Most Memorable Episodes

[edit] Plot

Treat Williams, a witch doctor, moves his two kids (that kid from Small Soldiers and that other kid from A Beautiful Mind) from New York City to charming Asscrack, Colorado (dubbed Everwood by the censors at the WB in order to be less offensive). There, they fight and hate each other until the end, where they stop fighting so much and love one another. Then a deer comes in and mauls them all to death. It was the final brilliant twist the writers wrote into the show.

All along the way, there's tons of family feuding, drug dealing, sex, gay sex, arguments, break-ups, sex, theft, murder, sex, sex, and everlasting erections. With all of this racy content, Everwood is considered the Antichrist, or Seventh Heaven's much awesomer counterpart.

[edit] Characters

Everwood is known for its endearing characters, unlike SEVENTH HEAVEN, in which the characters are all obnoxious and one-dimensional.

[edit] Main Characters

Dr. Andy Brown- (played by Treat)- The awesomely awesome widowed TV dad who's awesomely clueless about raising his kids in Asscrack, Colorado. He has a cool beard, and has decided to blend into Asscrack's culture by wearing flannel. Awesome. He's some kind of head doctor.

Julia Brown- (played by that Desperate Housewives actress)- Andy's wife. Holy crap, she's dead! Someone should've told her to stay out of New Jersey.

Ephram Brown- (played by Gregory Smith, AKA that kid from Small Soldiers)- Cute in the pilot with his purple hair, and really hot by Season 3. Angsts a lot and screams and rats out his friends a lot, so the viewer may want to hit him (unless the viewer is attracted to his sexy ass). And yes, Ephram is a real name. He's some kind of piano genius, although you never see his hands whilst playing (leading viewers to believe that he's just playing a tape while miming on the piano.).

Delia Brown- (played by Vivien Cardone)- This nine-year-old betrayed the New York Rangers after moving to Asscrack. Befriends the class bitch, and later beats the shit out of her. Towards the end of the series, she meets the Pope. Of course, she wasn't terribly impressed, having found God in a gas tank around Episode 3 or 4.

Amy Abbott- (played by Emily Van Camp, from Canada)- Some love her, some hate her. Ephram loves her. Many viewers hate her. Romantics just want her and Ephram to be together. Later becomes a Women's Studies major and tells makes it a point to remind Ephram that he's part of the "pig problem". Once dated a crack head and a dead kid. After dating these two weirdos, she rapes Ephram and breaks up with him a total of 1729 times.

Dr. Patch Abbott- (played by Tom Amandes, who you've never heard of until now)- Shut up. I know his name is supposed to be Harold, but he's Patch now. Patch, damn it. Best. Character. Ever... because comical anal retentiveness is hilarious. Has a boy crush on Dr. Brown, with whom he often squabbles and solves Hardy Boys-type mysteries.

Harold Brighton Abbott III- (played by Chris Pratt, AKA that guy who showed up on the O.C. for 6 episodes)- Mmmm.... sexy. Better known as Bright. His name is hilariously ironic, because he's not terribly bright. A ha ha ha.

Edna Harper- (played by Debra Mooney, that woman from the hospital from Seinfeld)- Married one of two black men found in Asscrack. She's also Patch's mother. This is discovered when he refers to her as 'Mother'. She's a take-no-crap kind of woman who enjoys blowing up bridges and having old sex with black men.

Irv Harper- (played by John Beasley)- Holy shit, he's black?!?!?!?!?!

Nina Feeney- (played by Stephanie Niznik)- She's Andy's neighbor. Upon meeting her, Andy hilariously observes: "You're my neighbor? What a coincidence... I'm your neighbor!". A ha ha ha.

Sam Feeney- (played by a total of 5000 children)- Nina's A.D.D kid who steals her car, finds her porn, and deals drugs to Amy's crackhead boyfriend. He's about six or seven for the whole run of the show.

[edit] Recurring Characters

Colin Hart- (Seasons 1 and 2)- Amy's craaaaazy Coma Kid Boyfriend! Watch him beat the shit out of everyone and have craaaazy seizures! No really... he's ape shit insane.

Bright's Girlfriend- (Season 1)- Bright has sex with her.

Bright's Other Girlfriend- (Season 1)- Bright has sex with her.

Bright's Cohorts- (Season 1)- They wish they could have as much sex as Bright does... with Bright.

Nina's Gay Husband- (Season 1)- It's kind of a Brokeback Mountain thing (i.e he leaves Nina for wild gay buttsex).

Bright's Other Other Girlfriend- (Season 1)- Bright has sex with her.

Darth Vader- (Season 2)- Ephram's piano teacher. Upon meeting Ephram, he says: "Ephram... I am your father...". Ephram temporarily believes him.

Madison the Pedophile Babysitter- (Season 2)- Delia's babysitter, who's twenty and goes on the prowl for a jail bait boyfriend. Then she has sex with 16-year-old Ephram. Wouldn't that frowned upon if the genders were reversed? (Perhaps not in Colorado.)

Tommy Crackhead- (Season 2)- Asscrack's resident ass head. He dates Amy for a while, and then proceeds to piss everyone else, turn Amy against her family, and overdose on loads of drugs. Don't let the name fool you... ... ... oh wait....

Another one of Bright's Girlfriends- (Season 2)- Bright has sex with her.

Dr. Linda Abbott- (Season 2)- She dates Andy. Also, she's into holistic medicine. Rumor has it that she has aides.

Bright's Girlfriend- (Season 2)- Bright has sex with her.

Anne Heche- (Season 3)- Dates Andy, even though her husband's still alive. It is revealed that her husband is a tomato.

Another one of Bright's Girlfriends- (Season 3)- Bright has sex with her.

Scooter- (Seasons 3 and 4)- Dr. Boobjob. Dates Nina, even though he's, like, Doogie Howser's age. He annoys the shit out of her and everyone ever. Thankfully, Craaaazy Colin comes back from the dead and kills him.

Bright's Coworker- (Season 3)- Bright fondles her in the supply closet, and then gets slapped with a sexual harassment lawsuit. Oops.

Hannah Montana- (Season WTF?)- Shows up in the series only to be beaten up by Delia and replaced.

Hannah Rogers- (Seasons 3 & 4)- Perhaps the only normal person in the show, aside from Bright, Andy, and Nina. And maybe Edna. Or Irv, maybe.

Kyle the Bitchy Annoying Piano Kid- (Season 4)- Played by Steve McQueen, or his grandson, or something. As his name suggests, he is really bitchy and annoying.

[edit] How To Tell The Characters Apart

With this nifty guide, you can tell who's normal and who's not without even watching the show. Why?!?!

[edit] Normal Characters

• Dr. Andy Brown
• Delia Brown (for a little while, anyway)
• Nina Feeney
• Hannah Rogers
• Bright Abbott
• Edna and Irv, maybe
• Sting
• Rose Abbott
• Evil Amy

[edit] Awesome Characters

• Dr. Patch Abbott
• God

[edit] Not So Normal Characters

• Ephram
• Amy
• Tommy Crackhead
• Craaaaazy Colin
• Amy
• Madison the Pedophile Babysitter
• Amy
• Amy
• Dr. Boobjob
• That random old guy who complains about everything ever
• Rose's pot smoking buddy
• Anne Heche
• Kyle the Piano Kid

[edit] TEH HAWTZ OMG

• Ephram
• Bright
• Bright's roomate, who's kinda gay (but no female fan cares)
• Maybe Colin

[edit] NEEDS TO DIE K?

• That obnoxious little whore from Delia's fourth grade class.
• Every character on Seventh Heaven.

[edit] Other Countries

Everwood isn't just popular in America. It took the world by storm, mostly watched my angry/sad teenagers living coincidentally in storm-shelters. In Australia, it aired on Channel Nein, which is German for 'Channel NO YOU MAY NOT EVER SEE TEEN-ORIENTED SHOWS FROM THE WB, AUSTRALIA' from February 2005. It was given a Saturday afternoon slot because obviously it's target audience can watch it then, as they are probably not able to watch it in prime-time or anything. Channel Nein is currently a dozen episodes ahead of Arena on cable TV Australia. It has to stay ahead of Arena because if not then they look bad.

[edit] Episodes

In total, there are 89 episodes of Everwood. Of course, this is a lie. There were really 7000 episodes produced, but the network decided not to air the following episodes.

• All 57 of the ones in which the cast travels in time
• The "Guide to Sex" Episode
• The ones featuring Kevin Smith
• The 6 episodes featuring Peter Boyle.
• Any episode guest starring Jesus.
• Any episode not showing Ephram's sexy ass.
• The episodes based on the Bible.
• Those episodes that seemed a little too much like Grand Theft Auto.
• The Wizard of Oz parody (the network liked Seventh Heaven's Crusading version better).
• The ones you would've really liked.
• The ones Grandma would've really hated.
• Every "After School Special" (thank God!)
• God's favorite episode, titled "Ultraporn".
• Ephram Brown and the Sorcerer's Stoned
• Ephram Brown and the Chamber of Ryan Seacrest
• Ephram Brown and the Half-Blood Jew (it turns out to be him!)
• The Choose-Your-Own Adventure Episodes (later seen on Youtube)

Of course, some pretty damn good episodes were left. Note: Season 1 aired only in Iceland and West Virginia.

[edit] Most Memorable Episodes

Number	Title	Synopsis
1	Always Sign Your Contracts, Unless You Don't Want To	The woman from Desperate Housewives dies and the show starts. Perhaps she forgot to sign her contract.
2	Fuck, It's A Deer!	A wild deer attacks the Brown family at gunpoint and eats Ephram. Later on, Amy introduces Zombie Ephram to her Coma Kid Boyfriend, Colin.
3	You Can Usually Find God Sitting On the Crapper	As the title says, Colin's still in a coma. Bright rips up Ephram's manga, and Ephram cries. Later on, Delia finds God in a gas tank, and later, sitting on the toilet. Then Ephram deliberately forgets to ask his Dad to save Colin's life so he can have Amy all to himself.
4	Morally Deporable? Maybe Not.	Ephram realizes his selfishness, but then forgets about it again, because the Honeymooners came on TV for the first time since New Year's.
5	Shit Explodes!111!1!!!112'	EXPLOSIONS!!!1!11! OMG ACTION!!11!! Edna blows a lot of shit up and rescues the president. Who says old people can't be action heroes?
6	Morally Deporable? The Revenge.	Ephram tells Amy that his dad can indeed save Colin. Bad move, Ephram. Now Colin's gonna come back from the dead. Oh yeah, Amy's pretty mad too. Later on, Patch wisely remarks of the people in Everwood upon abandoning his practice for Andy's: "Ahh... people. All the qualities of dogs.... except loyality." Brill.
7	Fuck! It's That Deer Again!	This time, the deer kills 27. A brief moment of silence falls over Everwood in order to remember the extras who may or may not show up in the background again somewhere.
8	The Craaaazy Colin Show!	Colin comes back from the dead and devours everyone in Everwood. Later on, no one comes back to life. The rest of this episode shows a jar of mayonnaise waiting to be opened. Sadly, no one is around to open it.
9	What's For Dinner?	People. By the way, everyone's still dead. This episode won an Emmy for best writing.
10	Snow Job... or is that... BLOW JOB? A ha ha.	Patch overdoes the NyQuil on a church retreat at a ski lodge in Florida. Upon waking up, he discovers he's really Patch Adams and kills himself. Meanwhile, Colin throws things in a fit of rage, while Amy tries to placate him with marijuana.
11	That Deer's Never Gonna Attack Again	At this point, everyone ever knows Colin's not signing on for a second season. Ephram later wonders if Amy's toying with him, but his speculation is tragically cut short when THE FUCKING DEER COMES BACK FOR REVENGE!!! GAWR!!11!1!1!!!
12	Delia's Crazy Gun-Toting Thanksgiving	Delia snaps and shoots a tofu turkey dead. The people of Everwood share a feast, that is, until Colin snacks on all their brains.