Bert
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
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| Date of birth: | May 7 1965 | |
| Place of birth: | Norway | |
| Nationality: | Muppet | |
| Known for | Ally of Osama bin Laden | |
|---|---|---|
| Occupation | Terrorist, Waste of space | |
| Religion | Satanism | |
| Spouse | Ernie | |
| Children | Any Emo on the street | |
| Website | ||
“We're gonna be on top of each other as it is...”
~ Bert on Ernie
“Back off, bitch! I'll cut you!”
~ Bert on Waffle House waitress
“He cut off my penis!”
~ The new Bassist from Metallica on his relationship with Bert
[edit] Early Life
Bert or Büdü was born on May 7 1965 in the Atlantic Ocean. It was believed that St. Elmo's fire (not a U-boat shell) combined with the metal of the Lusitania, causing the ship to burst into flames in a massive explosion. In this explosion, Bert was born. A strange yellow light was seen at the center of the fire. It slowly took form and grew arms and legs until it became solid. It grew big, bushy eyebrows and strange, black hair. The figure was named Bert.
Hitler was impressed with this Muppet and made him his top general. After the fall of Nazi Germany, Bert disguised himself to avoid capture and became a popular children's character in Europe. He came to the United States in 1955, met Ernie and lived on Sesame Street. Jim Henson found Bert one day and decided to make him star on his show, "Sesame Street" beginning in 1969.
[edit] Characteristics
Bert, though intelligent, is also grumpy, boring and easily frustrated. He enjoys activities such as paper clip and bottle cap collecting, cooking oatmeal and watching pigeons. Bert has a pet pigeon named Bernice, and he created a dance called "Doin' the Pigeon". Bert has a twin brother, Bart, a nephew, Brad, and an Aunt Matilda. Bert has a close friend from Avenue Q named Rod. Rod claims to be Bert's ex-boyfriend, but that is unconfirmed at the moment.
[edit] Connections
Something went very wrong after Bert's successful career as an entertainer and educator in Sesame Street. Alongside playing a mild-mannered room-mate who would share a good laugh with Ernie, he has been a shadowy figure in every conspiracy known. He has been associated with many evil dictators including Pol Pot, Hitler (See Figure 1), Harry Potter and Stalin.
At one time, Bert went undercover as a detective. His last case was a murder in front of Hooper's store. When Bert got there, he recognized the victim as one of his business partners. Beside the body, was a note. Police only managed to retrieve part of the note before Bert took off. The small part of the letter said "...a fool of yourself, old friend. from D.T"
The CIA recruited fellow entertainer Chuck Barris to track him down, but Mr. Barris is just a hot air balloon.
Bert is an American traitor and the right hand man of Osama bin Laden. He is also known to be Jack the Ripper's and the Unabomber secret identity, member of the Ku Klux Klan, and the Manson Family. He is infamous for repeatedly molesting pigeons, and attempting to initiate homosexual relations with just about anyone. Even females. Bert is the spawn of Satan and Hellmo. Don't tell anyone, but we've found evidence that Ernie is Bert's -- NO!!! AHH! STOP!!! THIS IS CNNOOOOOOOOOOOO!
[edit] Bert's Offspring
Bert is belived to have had several illegitimate children with the various people he has sexualy assaulted over the years. Here is a list of Induviduals suspected to be Berts offspring and the induvidual that gave birth to the child.
- Masamune Shirow- Bert and Cookie Monster
- Robert Downey Jr- Bert and Robert Downey
- Chuck Noris- Bert and God
- Bruce Lee- Bert and Hung kung Fuuy
- Patrick Stewart- Bert and an Chickens Egg
- Simon Cowel- Bert and a pair of denim jeans
- Gene Hackman- Bert and the little known superhero Hackman
- Jeff Clinton- Bert produced her asexualy. Jeff clinton was Hilary Clinton before her sex change. Jeff liked takeing it up the arse so much he decided to do it on a regular basis and became a woman.
[edit] Bert is evil scandal
Bert is evil is a campaign originated by the CIA to discredit Bert, of Bert and Ernie/Sesame Street fame after the FBI discovered that he supported equal rights for gays.
Bill Clinton, Bert, and the letter 'T' were responsible for instituting the Don't Ask Don't Spell policy in the US Army which forced recruiters to admit all non-citizens regardless of their ablity to enunciate or even read or write.
This infuriated certain high-placed officials in the government who then green lighted the CIA hoax that, through entrapment, large payoffs, and hurculean logistical efforts, was able to besmirch the good name of this yellow-skinned patriot. Various secret agents have been able to procure photos of Bert with many people held in low esteem within the court of public opinion. For example, pictures of a meeting between Bert and Osama Bin Laden "somehow" made it into public demonstations in Afganistan - a country that was partnering with Canada in a plot to destroy America. Those posters were televised around the world.
The CIA was so pleased with the results of Operation Bin Bert that the agents responsible were immediately whisked away by Lear Jet and allowed to visit Martha Stewart in her jail cell for a nice round of milk and cookies.
Unintentionally, this clandestine operation has also resulted in a 42% increase in sales of Sesame Street DVDs in Muslim countries.
[edit] Bert and Katrina
After Hurricane Katrina, the entire US was devastated. Nobody knew what to do because the victims of the hurricane were homeless and had nowhere to go. As everyone knows, hurricanes are natural disasters, but some people speculate that Katrina was no accidental natural disaster. In fact, a photographer happened to snap a photo of the wreckage and when his photo developed, he discovered that Bert was in the photo (see Katrina Photo) (meaning that Bert must have been in New Orleans at the time of the hurricane) and he seemed to have a sinister expression on his face and he also seemed to be laughing at himself. Knowing of Bert's other exploits and evil deeds, the photographer came to the assumption that Bert not only deployed dynamite against key floodwalls as Katrina made landfall, but perhaps used a weather machine and cloud-seeding to create the hurricane that wiped out New Orleans. (side note, berts middle name is actually horace.) This assumption by the photographer about Bert may perhaps be true, but Bert's motives for destroying an entire city are still unknown. Some believe it is because New Orleans challenged Bert to a round of slapjack and sadly, in a fit of rage, Bert lost. The rules were changed immediately and New Orleans continues to appologize to this day.
[edit] Penis Size
The mystery surrounding the exact measurements of Bert's penis is a cause of the fact that nobody has actually seen it ... and lived. Bert is a regular customer of the S&M Dial-Up Girlfriend Hotline, but unfortunately, Bert's pants zipper is a one-way street--penis experts such as Jesus Christ and Rob Schneider (working collaboratively) hypothesize that the penis is hostile and perhaps capable of individual thought, rendering the matter nearly impossible to research any further for fear of losing any more penis-hunters working undercover at various dial-up girlfriend hotlines. Nevertheless, theories have been established and supported that the beast is indeed autonomous and wields massive fangs, capable of piercing the gold teeth on black people. A further conjecture (brought to attention by Sir Isaac Newton in the late 8th century) states that the beast, upon coming into contact with smiling red and white mushrooms, shall triple in size and save the princess from the Soviets, and candidly added "Note that in Soviet Russia, princess saves you!" Congress decreed this conjecture to be plausible, but unfortunately unsupported by any proof whatsoever.
Estimations range from π to 666 (±4 million; no unit specified), and only Ernie knows the actual size.
[edit] Alliance with Emperor Clinton
Bert has been known to also be allied with The Great President Clinton, or as Bert calls him, "C". Starting around 2003, Bert started a cult known as the National Association of 'C' Lovers, a cult that allied itself with President Clinton and made sure that things went his way. Remember Children not only does C stand for Clinton it also stands for Communist and the Communist News Network.
[edit] Capture
Bert's first capture was on the television show "To catch a predator." Bert had been using the alias "DrFuzzyBalls1964" on the website Myplace. Bert was targeting a boy named Billy, who lived on the same street as Bert. Bert, being wise, did not admit to anything. The episode which Bert got arrested had been stolen just days before it's planned air time. Bert escaped from jail with a decoy in his place.
During the bitter war within the axis of evil between Bowser and Jimbo Wales,Bert aligned himself with Wales. Wales trusted Bert with his hidden location. However, Bert, along with Paul Ruebens, ordered child pornography online. When they went to retrieve it, the FBI shot Ruebens several times killing him and seized Bert. At last he was captured. Bert was reportedly tortured for several hours before giving up Wales's location. Wales, along with much of the upper branch of the Axis of Evil, died during the raid at the hidden location. Bert's status in prison is unknown at the recent time, but it was rumored he was killed by longtime accomplise Ernie, who, according to the rumors, was paid off by the new leader of the Axis of Evil, Bowser. It was said Ernie beat Bert to death with a board with a nail in it. However there is no evidence to this claim at the present time.
[edit] Filmography
- The Good, the Bert, and the Ernie (1966)
- Bert of the Living Dead (1968)
- Midnight Cowboy (1969)
- Easy Rider (1969)
- "Sesame Street" (1969-who knows when)
- Ishtar (1987)
- Team Osama: World Jihad (2004)
- V for Vendetta (2005)
[edit] Discography
- Ernie's Gonna Get It For Ditching Me (2003) (the album that resulted in Bert narrowly surviving six shots in the face from Ernie. Neither have seen each other ever since).
- Un-American Idiot (2004) (performed along with Osama bin Laden and Green Day)
- Furby Escape (2005)
- Retarded Sesame Street Rap (2007)
[edit] Quotes
This sketch proves that Bert had problems on "Sesame Street"
“That Bert is a hero. He bombed all them Wikis before they made us too smart!!”
~ Bubba the 9th on Bert.
“That Bert is going to fucking bury me. He has done it before, and he will do it again.
That muppet is going to Fucking Kill™ me.”
~ Steve Ballmer on Bert.
“Well...Ernie...IT DOESN'T LOOK ANYTHING LIKE ME YOU FUCKIN' PIECE OF SHIT!”
~ Bert on On the Sketch "Paint Me, Lover"
“I always knew there was something sketchy about him!”
~ Big Bird on Bert
“He threatened to cut off my legs and feed them to the French if I ever profiled him on Muppet News”
~ Kermit the Frog on Bert
“Uh, I'm an alcoholic and uh, Mister Hooper molested me and that's why I did it.”
~ Bert on His pedophilic tendency to lure children on Myplace
“I'm sorry old friend, but we're not buying it!”
~ Gorden on Bert's excuse
“In high school he used to beat up substitute teachers”
~ a former classmate on Bert
“I did not rape Bert”
~ Oscar Wilde on Bert
“Everybody makes mistakes every once in a while, but you sure popped a boner 'cause you are a pedophile!”
~ Gorden on Bert's pedophelia
“Well Ernie, I wish you would stop eating cookies IN THE DAMN BED!!”
~ Bert on Ernie's cookie eating
“Evil this Bert is, Saber him, I will.”
~ Yoda on Bert
“I told him to scram and he cut out my right eye with a pocket knife.”
~ Oscar the Grouch on Bert
“I didn't know what to think when I first started working with the man, but ever since that day where he touched me like he did, WOW!”
~ Elmo on Bert(the Tickle Me Elmo toy came soon after this interview was published)
“I'm gonna beat that guy up.”
~ Miss Piggy on Bert
[edit] See Also
- Bert and Ernie
- Bert is evil
- Ernie
- Elmo
- Emo
- Goth Elmo
- Dr. Nefarious
- Osama bin Laden
- Sesame Street
- V for Vendetta
- Sesame Street gets an X Rating
[edit] External Links
Bert is as big as the Klotman Diamond but had never realized his worth.
