Clone
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“OMFG ITS TEH OPERHY WINFREY CLONES”
~ Oscar Wilde on Clones
Cloning is a process originally invented by Oprah Winfrey. It involves the quantum vivisection of the human soul (Winfrey generally used the rich, funky soul of the late Senator Strom Thurmond) to create humanoid replicants. These automatons look, think and act like normal human beings, but have no soul and no capacity for human feeling. These clones are also known as Your Mother.
With her evil clone army, Oprah Winfrey was able to infiltrate virtually any organization, her clones posing as whoever she wishes.
One of the first groups that she took over in the late 1990s was Weight Watchers. Here is one of their cunningly low-fat recipes:
[edit] Grilled Pineapple with Basil and Ginger Cream Sauce
Ingredients
- 1 medium pineapple
- 1 cup plain fat-free yogurt
- 5 leaves basil, chopped
- 1/2 tsp ginger roo, finely grated
- 3 tsp Splenda low calorie sweetener
Instructions
Soak 4 bamboo skewers in water for 20 minutes. Preheat broiler, grill or stovetop. Cut pineapple into quarters, core it and cut each quarter into 1/2- to 3/4-inch slices to yield about 16 to 20 slices total. Place 4 or 5 slices of pineapple on each skewer. Grill pineapple on each side until grill marks form and it starts to get crisp in spots, about 4 to 5 minutes per side. Mix together yogurt, basil, ginger and Splenda in a small bowl. Drizzle mixture over pineapple or serve on the side as a dip. Yields about 4 to 5 pieces of pineapple and 1/4 cup of sauce per serving.
[edit] The Future of Oprah's Clone Army
It is foretold that one day, her Clone Army will be defeated by KISS or the one known as the Knife Runner, or possibly the Dark Knife.
[edit] Clones reproducing?
Clones can have sex. Therefore, they can reproduce. They can "fuck each other hard," "get in each other's pants," and partake in movie sex scenes. However due to the way that genetics works, clones that breed with their originals (or other clones of the same original) may produce entirely unexpected results, such as firebreathing moths and Japanese babies. Other strange phenomena are that whilst two males breeding can produce three genders (an xx, an xy, and a yy) the female clones may only provide female chicken through clonecest.
It is sometimes thought that masturbation occurs when one has sex with his/her clone, but since no one has witnessed two Oprahs having sex in their native habitat, the answer eludes scientists. Regardless, the outcome is gay.
[edit] Ort-Meyer Clones
Another cloning magnate over the past 50 years originally gained his fortune by selling My Little Hitler, a cloned, miniature Adolf Hitler whose DNA was originally obtained from one of his purple thongs. Another, more recent Ort-Meyer creation was the Kitler, a breed of cats that has gotten online fame. Marx cats and Stalin cats have followed.
[edit] The T-Project
A project beginning in 1960 to create an eventual counter-force to Justin Timberlake was instigated by Ort-Meyer. It has had many successes (Mr. 47, Mr.17) and two horrific failures (Timothy Olyphant and Britney Spears.). Ort-Meyer was assassinated in 2012 after leaving a Starbucks in Antarctica. The assassin was actually a senile old woman who accidentally ran the scientist over. Many of Ort-Meyer's colleauges actually wanted to kill him first, so at his funeral the body was shot, strangled and partially eaten.
