Evolution
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“Thank God for Evolution.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Evolution
Evolution is a science fact discovered by the late, great Charles Darwin during a trip with his pet beagle to the mansion of Mark Geragos. Though the gripping tale was not immediately accepted due to the ignorant nature of most people, it later became widely accepted and has influenced society for the better in countless ways.
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The tale
In 1825, Charles Darwin embarked on what is later viewed to be the single greatest voyage of mankind, far surpassing those of Columbus or Magellan. Traveling with his lone companion, a pet beagle by the name of McGruff, he went across the street to the mansion of the famed trial lawyer, Mark Geragos. While at his mansion, Darwin was greeted by Geragos's pet chimp. Intrigued by the creature, he tentatively put out his hand to shake the chimp's own. But to Darwin's astonishment, the chimp reacted angrily, flailing his arms and throwing feces at both he and the Beagle. Recognizing the stunning similarities in behavior between the chimp and himself, Darwin concluded that humans must have evolved from apes.
The Second Voyage
Taking the New York ferry across the Hudson River into the unknown land of New Jersey, also called "Land of No Fresh Air" by the natives, this was the first time a scientist ventured into this mysterious land and therefore was very well documented. Still astonished by his previous encounter with the feces flinging chimp Darwin was eager to make new discoveries. Allegedly, Charles Darwin discovered conclusive proof that apes were in fact related to Homo Sapiens. Unfortunately the evidence was lost by his companion, McGruff, when he lost it in a bet while visiting the Mohegan Sun casino. The victorious Native American was believed to have been planning to showcase this evidence and take credit for its discovery himself, before being brutally attacked by a European Lynx while visiting Asia. The evidence, along with several limbs, were taken by the cat which then fled into the jungles of Peru. As such, an extensive search has been led to find the missing lynx - though thus far, to no avail.
Evidence
One very well documented case was the evolution of the Tyrannosaurus into the Rhinosaurus due to the domination of its species by Rattus Killarex. The Tyrannosaurus officially claimed the need to evolve on January 15th, 30,000,000 BCE. Although initially rejected by the most conservative Tyrannosaurus it was eventually accepted. The last Tyrannosaurus evolved on April 3rd, 29,999,997 BCE. Though no fossil evidence has been found of these two species, it provided the literal and figurative backbone of the evolutionary argument in the early 1900's, before being replaced by the more conclusive find of the Piltdown man.
Evolution's most conclusive find came in 1952 when Charles Darwin's grandson Charles Darwin III and his dog McGruff XVII found fossil evidence of an ancient Irish civilization. At first it just seemed as though this was a historical find but when McGruff suggested that it must be fake due to the lack of an ability of an Irishmen to stay sober for 5 minutes, there was a new theory. Mr. Darwin proposed that over time the Irish evolved from a sober and industrious people to a drunk and lazy people in order to cope with their inferiority to the British. This was called adaptation.
Influences
Since evolution has become a mainstream belief, human society has been revolutionized. Whereas previous false religion's emphasized helping those who could not help themselves, such burdens on society are now rightly regarded as unnecessary drains on the state. Social programs such as euthanasia are actually doing the handicapped a favor by ending their shameful and worthless lives. With invalids pruned from society, the master race consisting of those who are fittest shall reign supreme. Heil!
Challenges
Despite all the evidence in its favor the theory of evolution still has some explaining to do. One is on the issue of house cats, which have no evolutionary record and may in fact be the spawn of Satan. Another is Ann Coulter, who may actually be Satan. A third puzzle for scientists is the existence of George W. Bush, which may prove that not only is there a God, but that he is a prick.
See Also
| Preceded by: The Wheel | Best Thing in Existence 5 million BC - 4,000 BC | Succeeded by: Beer, Sex and Black Women |
