Ewan
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Luckily, it's in the good way, not meaning "tasty". But don't get too settled, they'll still eat you. All the people who edit this article have a .01% less chance of being eaten by a grue. Please note this does not stack, and is non-transferable.
And remember, it's only .01%!The Ewans are a non-fictional race of Ests who are amongst the most persistent pupils of Saleh in Fire Emblem. Ewan was originally a wholly useless little toerag originating behind a skip, who began to implant more and more artificial parts into the bodies of others. This led to the race becoming whiny and annoying, with psychopathic urges and the ability to summon evil phantoms.
Ewans get everywhere because they like to convert people into them. This process is know as "Ewan Convertion", or alternatively "Ewanization" or "Ewanasia".
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[edit] Physical characteristics
Ewan was seen to consistently change with almost every downgrade (duh). Ewan is humanoid, but has been shot repeatedly to try and alter this. In his first appearance in the series, the only portion of his body that seemed human was his left foot, but by his next appearance in Fire Emblem 64 (1337), his body was entirely covered up in a robe. As he was a loner, and a loser with no combat ability, he tended towards covert activity, scheming from hiding and using human pawns or robots to act in their place until they need to appear. He gained more ability as his adventures progressed, but took to lying and pretending to be a weakling so he could carry on living his life of crime. He persistently insisted that he wanted to be a sage, even when he had already upgraded to the level of Demon King.
It is presumed (and often implied) that beneath his suits still exists organic components and that he is not as cool as he thinks he is: in the thirtieth level, Ewan tells Serra that "my brains are just like yours", which proves he is a total moron. In Pokemon (2047), the actor's chins were vaguely visible through his mask to suggest he had eaten too much. In Yu-gi-oh (1422), veins were visible through the domed head of the Ewan Controller and similarly, in Star Wars (192012 BC), the Ewan Controller's brain could sometimes be seen as a ginger tint through his forehead. However, in Revenge of the Sith (4022), Obi-Wan says they are "total retards".
The audio play Sonic the Hedgehog implies that the converted victim's face remains beneath the Ewan faceplate, and we all know that the audio plays, like all non-televised spin-off media, are of certain canon as regards the television series. The Virgin New Adventures novel Alien versus Predator by Wario states that some Ewans experience rare flashes of sane memory from the time before they were converted, which are then usually devoured by a Grue. The parallel Lycia Ewans in the 2006 (BC) series are constructed from human brains bonded to a Ewan exoskeletal shell (though some of the organic nervous system also appears to remain broken).
Although Ewan often claims that he is sorry he has done away with Bill Gates, he has exhibited emotions ranging from smug satisfaction to smug satisfaction in conversations with the (psychiatric) Doctor. The Ewan in the early stories was even given individual names such as "Ewan", "the pompous brat", "smeghead", "monkey boy", "Satan" and "Tethys' slightly less masculine brother (and Tethys is a woman, and a really girly one at that)".
The Virgin Missing Adventures novel Luigi's Mansion by Rolf Harris suggests that some Ewans imitate emotions to intimidate and unnerve their victims. This is a load of utter garbage. The Big Finish Productions audio play Saving Private Ryan (set in the Plains of Sacae in the early days of Ewan-conversion) suggests that the Ewans deliberately remove their emotions as part of the conversion process to stifle the physical and emotional trauma of becoming ginger. The conversion process in the parallel Lycia is termed "downgrading".
This motive behind the removal of emotions is made more explicit in The Logical Journey of the Zoombinis where it is done by means of a chainsaw. In that episode, the deactivation of their emotional inhbitors drives the converted Ewan up the wall when he or she realises what he or she has become.
Ewan has an infinite number of major weaknesses, of which the most notable is the element chlorine. Initially, it was explained that, due to its non-corrodible nature, the Fire Emblem was essentially lethal to poor old Ewan as well. For example, in episode 17:35 of Harry Potter versus Lassie: The animated series, the sacredstonegun, a weapon used during the Ewan-Wars in the future, fired Sacred Stones at Ewan. However, in later serials, Ewan loved the Sacred Stones (way too much) so chlorine was introduced as a replacement. It appeared to affect him rather like it affects just about everybody else, with chlorine gas or chlorine-filled swimming pools having the same effect. Ewans are also rather efficiently killed when shot with guns. Other weaknesses from early stories include falling off cliffs, drowning, nuclear radiation, laser beams, arrows, lions, tigers, bears (oh my), bombs, axes, circular saws, lightning, harpoons, Avada Kedavra, paper cuts, Nintendogs and killer kittens.
Their weakness to chlorine is not mentioned during Harry Potter and the Pillar of Storgé or Harry Potter and the Half-Mad Dunce, although the earlier Ewans had an "allergy" to just about everything, especially apple juice, but this was eliminated after further improvements of the Ewan body. In Peter Jackson's King Kong, however, a grenade is shown to kill a Ewan and Remove Its Face.
Some Ewans are given magic staffs, letting them do evil spells. The Ewan Controller in particular has appeared in multiple forms, both humanoid and as a manakete, and has also been referred to as the "Homework Planner" or "Movie Director", although these may not be the same being (gee... d'ya think???). The Controller seen (and promptly shot) in various serials also may or may not be the same Ewan, as it appears to recognize and remember the rules of chess from previous encounters. In Digimon, the Ewan Controller is created by implanting an alien implant into the skull of a recently converted Ewan.
The Ewan-Controller in Blazing Saddles used the brain of Bob Geldof, the creator of the Ewan in that parallel reality. In Raiders of the Lost Ark, a Ewan-Leader appears, and when he is destroyed, mention is made of downloading his data files into another Ewan unit, which is then downgraded to Ewan-Leader.
[edit] Costume details
The design of the Ewan acted almost as a guide to prevailing fashion at the time of transmission. Nearly all were blue and orange in colour and included items and material such as cloth, rubber diving suits, PVC, flares, miniskirts, pokéballs, cricket's gloves, Doc Martin's boots, hush puppies, bikinis, and deedly-boppers painted orange. The 2090s design used converted tracksuits painted blue. Unlike Doctor Who's foes, Ewan has changed substantially in appearance over the years, looking less and less old, although retaining certain commonalities of design, the most iconic being the "handle bars" attached to his bike, his round eyeholes and breast implants. Completely black-and-white coloured Ewans were seen briefly on a badly transmitted showing of Attack of the Clones.
Aside from these changes, variations in design between rank-and-file Ewans and their leaders have not been seen but are suspected by many ducks (which look like this :<). In Ocarina of Time and Scream (both 1066), the Ewan Director was strangled. In The Return of the Mummy and Mr. Roger's Neighborhood, the Ewan Controller was pushed into a lake. In Revenge of the Pikachu, the Ewan Leader had a helmet with black earpieces, which was used to electrocute him. From Earthbound (0 BC) onwards he had a target on his nose so that he could be punched in the face. The Ewan-Leader in Army of Goats also had a fondness for truffles. No, that's not relevant, it's just in case you're wondering what to get him for his birthday.
Because Bill and Ted are time travellers, they meet Ewan at various points in his history out of sequence from the order the serials were made. This can be confusing since Ewans from serials set in "earlier" periods of history can sometimes look more sophisticated than those from "later" periods. George W. Bush suggests in his reference work Where's Wally that the anachronistically designed Ewans of Diddy Kong Racing and Pokémon Silver-er are time travellers, like those in The Lord of the Flies. He is wrong. Very wrong. They are actually Dialects from an alternate timeline in which the Ood are Zoidberg, the Slitheen are decent Doctor Who villains and the Scribble Monster is given his own spin-off series, complete with video game adaptations, DVD releases, cheap plastic merchandise and a guest appearance on Richard & Judy. LOL.
The Ewans returned in episodes 5000 and 16 of the 26 season of the old, old, old, old, old series, in a two-part story set on an alternative Lycia. The new Ewans were designed by Barty Crouch Sr. The new Ewan design is physically imposing, being about 7 feet taller than Rose, in a style reminiscent of Salvador Dalek, with their Ewanbus Corporation tatoo on their chests and made to look like garbage. Thankfully, Barty Crouch Jr. rebelled against his father and killed these Ewans, not a moment too soon. The other distinct Ewan design is that of Nergal, Ewan's first and most frequent victim.
Other disguises used by Ewan included Lyon (also spelled Leon, AKA Gollum, or Bakura) who has infiltrated a number of Nintendo games including Star Fox, F-Zero, Fire Emblem: The Sacred Stones, Resident Evil 4 and The Lord of the Rings: The Third Age.
[edit] Voice
Early Ewan had an unsettling voice provided by Emma Watson. She continued to provide the voice until she died in the car crash that killed Harry's parents in War of the Worlds (1212).
Later, the production team used special effects from its BBC Radiophonic Workshop by adding first a mechanical larynx, then a gibbon, to modify James Blunt's speech to make it sound less annoying and more Ewan-like. In later stories of the original series and in the audio plays, two copies of the voice track were sampled and rated as being of high enough quality to be served to the Queen at a royal banquet in 1742, pitch-shifted downwards by Jabba the Hutt, and burnt. From Monty Python and the Holy Grail to Silver Neelson (1932) Ewan provided the voices himself, since it was pretty stupid that he wasn't allowed to do this in the first place.
The voices for the 2006 return of the Ewans are lame.
[edit] Technology
[edit] Hoovers
Over the years Ewans have been shown with various forms of vacuum cleaner. When originally seen in The Archers they had large vacuum hoses that attached to their groinal sockets.
[edit] Ewanmats
We couldn't write this article without mentioning that most tragic of beasts, the Ewanmat. They were once fluffy little animals until they were converted into Ewans. Oh noes!!!
The second model of Ewanmat seen in Red Dwarf was used for espionage, able to become a ninja and throw shuriken at people. They were carried to the "London Eye" in cardboard boxes. These Ewanmats had eyes.
[edit] History
  Warning: The following text might contain spoilers. This makes the article more aerodynamic, and thus more maneuverable at high speeds. Take caution and carry a first-aid kit at all times if you don't know that the chick in The Crying Game is a dude, the whole show was a dream in an autistic kid's head, Kristin Shepard shot J.R., Sasuke eventually kills Orochimaru, frankly, my dear, Clark Gable doesn't give a damn, Venom kills Harry, and Soylent Green is PEOPLE!!! |
Millennia ago, during prehistoric times, Ewan was created by Satan. Upset because he was useless, had no good moves, and nobody would go out with him, Ewan reproduced by taking other organic beings and forcibly changing them into Ewans. The origins of the Ewans were further elaborated upon in Nintendogs (Chihuahua and friends).
Ewan's first attempt at invading Magvel, around 1940, was chronicled in Fire Emblem 8. This was uncovered by the newly formed Young-Old United Giant Intelligence Taskforce, or "YOUGIT", who repelled the invasion with the help of Nergal's smelly trainers.
In 666 BC a fleet of Ewan's warships was assembled to turn Magvel into a giant McDonalds. A scouting party was sent to Sacae in search of the legendary Pikachussetts statue, a Time Lord artifact of immense power, made of chocolate sprinkles. Due to the machinations of Razoff the Hunter, however, the chocolate melted.
In 2007, five million Ewans from a Parallel Lycia streamed through a hole between the toes of Doctor Who's socks to invade Scotland (Jurassic Park and Much Ado About Nothing) and fought a war with the Dialects. They were eventually pulled back into the nothingness between universes, otherwise known as Skegness.
In 4455, the inert head of Ewan was part of the Vault, a collection of video game artefacts belonging to American billionaire Bill Gates.
[edit] Ewans Theme Tune
Ewan has been known to have many different theme tunes however many have been rumors Even fakes!!
This is ewans true theme tune it closely resembles dani california however if you argue the point that this is a cheap rip off to ewan he will call yo mama
Gettin' born in the state of ewanasia ewan was a necromancer and yo momma was a hoe In Alabama she was swinging chicken Price you gotta pay when you ewanise the coppas He always knew that there was nothing more than rice What in ewanasia does your company take me for?
orange bandana, sweet Ewanasia
Robbin'on a bank in the state of ean industries
he's a runner, ginger and a stunner
On his merry way saying baby what you gonna
Lookin' down the barrel of a hot metal .45
Just another way to convert
Chorus:
Ewan rest in peace converting george .w. bush release(many trapped souls) ewan show your teeth he's my priest, I'm yo mama Yeah, yeah
he's a hater, retard and a fighter
Should've seen him coming with a massive lighter
With a name like ewan California
Day was gonna come when I was gonna burn ya
A little loaded he was stealing another breath
I hate ewans to death
Chorus:
Ewan rest in peace converting george .w. bush release(many trapped souls) ewan show your teeth he's my priest, I'm yo mama Yeah, yeah
Who knew the other side of you Who knew what others died to prove Too true to say goodbye to you Too true, too sad sad sad
Push the red button, then people sponaneously combust One for the now and eleven for the later Never made it, Up to Ewanasia North ewanland man was a gunnin' for the quota Down in the badlands he was saving the best for last it only hurts when they implant Go's too fast
Chorus:
Ewan rest in peace converting george .w. bush release(many trapped souls) ewan show your teeth he's my priest, I'm yo mama Yeah, yeah
Ewan rest in peace converting george .w. bush release(many trapped souls) ewan show your teeth he's my priest, I'm yo mama Yeah, yeah
[edit] List of Ewans
These are just some of the victims of Ewan Bell
- Matthew
- Christian
- Rolf Harris
- JFK and all 17 gunmen behind the grassy knoll
- Also, Ross and Amelia from Fire Emblem are clearly both Ewan in disguise
- martha jones also was a 'ewan' until the bbc saved her from a long and tiring life as 'ewans' princess, and leader of the grues
- yo mama
- That hobo you gave 50p to and then he spent on beer and cigarettes
- YOU
[edit] Other appearances
- Live and Let Die
- Rayman 2:The Great Escape
- Eastenders
- The Lord of the Rings
- Big Rigs
- Harry Potter
- Ghostbusters
- Godzilla versus King Kong
- retarded animal babies 13
[edit] See also
[edit] Disclaimer
This page has been parodied on Wikipedia's Cyberman article. They may consider this to be a complete rip-off, but they are lying. Besides, WHO GIVES A SMEG???
