Ewok

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Vicious. You can still see the droid guts round its mouth.

“THOSE THINGS GIVE ME NIGHTMARES!”

~ Oscar Wilde on Ewoks

Ewoks are small, fluffy creatures from the farest moon of Endor who later immigrated to Australia (because of the climate) to join the circus and other various freak shows. They are known to hunt in packs of six Six Pack in Holden Commodores, hanging around the Midland train Station. They live in treeforts, which is like, totally cool. I wanted to live in my treefort, but Mom wouldn't let me. And then she made me give back all that lumber I took from the construction site to build my expansion, and I'm like, "But MOM! How will I build my second story?". But, like, does SHE care?

And she still wonders why she doesn't get a card on Mother's Day.

[edit] What's an Ewok?

Ewok comes from the polish name, Ewa Malinowska. Anyway, Ewoks are about 7 feet tall and enjoy feasting on the guts of droids especially little fat round ones. Contrary to popular belief, Ewoks had superior technology to the Empire and since they would have beaten the empire in 5 minutes with their vast repertoire of star ships they decided to prolong the battle and instead use their slightly less advanced spears and rocks, which broke through armor and exploded, respectively. It was purple which was cool and matched their blue brains when they explode out the back of their heads.

One of Darth Vader's favorite sports was the Ewok Toss, which involved tossing Ewoks off of tall cliffs. Points were awarded for distance travelled, time airborne, number of turns made by the ewok in midair, the pitch and volume of the stupid Ewok's scream, number of Ewoks tossed, and the splash pattern made by the impacting Ewok.He also awarded the Ewoks with the best BJ Award, won by Bob. With the fall of the Galactic Empire to the Rebel Alliance, Ewok Tossing was no longer the sport of cruel overlords. Instead, it was made the official sport of the New Galactic Republic. You can also become universe champion of this sport if you could throw the ewoks and then hit them with a blast from the Death Star Laser. Wonder who made that rule up. Darth Vader says "make it up, i did not. he he he weak minded fools"

To compensate for the inability to toss Ewoks around, they came up with a new sport called Ewok stabbing.

A typical Ewok Gangster

[edit] Ewok Bribery

They can be easily bribed by giving them food, that you've randomly taken from the pouches around your waist, and will let themselves be carried around by any strange person. They think they're getting a good deal if you give them Supermarket chicken, as the species is not native to their homeworld. As such, many Ewoks are kidnapped, and have now taken over little Billy on paedophiles' most captured list.

[edit] Ewoks in Battle

However, they can be used as fighting midgets in times of dire need (very very dire). They can use wood to kill stuff. Oh yeah, and stones. Or rocks. One of the main advantages of their warfare is their size, because when they stab human sized beings with their spears, they will usually strike around the groin, because they can't reach any higher. And if the enemy employs midgets to fight back, they'll stab them in the head. But, when summoned, they can easily kill a unsuspecting battlefront n00b/stormtooper from behind a bush or somewhere else hideous. Sadly, the stormtrooper's advanced combat-designed battle suit and military-grade weapons and training can do nothing to stop the rocks and spears thrown from these small teddies. When planning a battle with the aid of ewoks, remember the following guidelines:

1. Do not leave them instructions that can be misinterpreted. 
2. Do not leave them instructions that need to be read.
3. Do not leave them instructions that can be eaten.
4. Do not leave them instructions.
5. Do not leave them.
6. Do not leave.
7. Do not.
8. Do.
9. There is no "try."
10. Remember to bring your droid that can speak 300,000,000,000 different languages
 (that by some major coincidence includes Ewokese.)
11. Don't hug them 
12. Don`t Masturbate in front of them.
13. Don`t give them shiny weapons.
14. Don't feed them after midnight.
15. Don't give them a garden rake. Bad things happen.

and finally never ever show them a naked Princess from Alderann. And if they completely mess up everything and you get really pissed with them, they make good fur coats. Or bird nests. Or teddy bears. But don't feel guilty for killing or mutilating them. Just remember: Ewoks do not possess souls.

[edit] Racial Prejudice against Ewoks

Ewoks have long been a target for abuse for the xenophobic element in society. While there have been a few high-profile stories of Ewoks running houses of ill repute, many Ewoks come to Earth every year to set up in business, and only a handful of those become brothel-keepers. The common misconception that Ewoks are a bunch of whoremongering benefit scroungers was put about by the well-known succubus Britney Spears, in a bid to deflect attention from her own counterfeit bacon scam.

“George Bush does not care about ewoks.”

~ Kanye West on George Bush and ewoks

“They come down here, peddling their furry little tarts on our doorsteps, and then the next thing you know is they've knocked you off your flying bike thing and whacked you round the head with a big stick.”

~ Britney Spears on Ewoks

Spears is rumoured to have an Ewok-skin rug on the back seat of her Volvo.

[edit] Media Appearences

In addition to their well known roles in Star Wars: Return of the Jedi, Ewoks have also been featured in other less well know productions. Perhaps most notable was the animated series Star Wars:Ewoks. While originally intended to air as a Saturday morning TV show, the creators soon realized that it would be much more profitable as an interrogation technique. In a top secret auction, the show reportedly sold for more than 42 million dollars to notorious super villan Dr. Doom. For reasons unknown Doom then sold the rights to the show back to ABC, where it aired for two seasons. The exact effects of this exposure on children is still unknown but scientists speculate that it will be similar to what happens when a person observes a two dimensional object in a mirror from the corner of their eye during an eclipse of the full moon or, like when you spin around in circles for a minute after drinking the bong water.