Excalibur
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“Strange women lying in ponds distributing swords is no basis for a system of government.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Excalibur
Excalibur (In Ye Olde Englishe, XCALBUR) is a legendary plumber's helper, passed on through generations of noble warriors, and wielded by the strongest men in history. It was also a very fast car driven by King Arthur. But, for the most part, it was a plumber's helper, and a very powerful and kick-ass plumber's helper at that.
Through the ages, Excalibur has passed through the hands of many men, mortal and not-so-mortal. It has even passed through the hands of some animals (regardless of the fact that most animals don't actually have hands). Obviously, most of those animals ended up dead at their own hands (which, once again, they didn't actually have).
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[edit] King Arthur
The most reputed wielder of Excalibur, King Arthur was the king of the Anglo-Saxons, a tribe of English-speaking people who never brushed their teeth and didn't realize that it was always foggy where they lived. With Excalibur, King Arthur defeated the evil prostitute/half-sister/mistress Morgan le Fay, and slew his unwanted son/nephew Mordred.
Alas, In the fight with Mordred, Arthur sustained mortal wounds. Legend has it that, with his dying breath, he told one of his knights to take Excalibur to Walden Pond and give it to Henry David Thoreau, who would protect the blade until Arthur returned from Avalon, the magical water bottling and treatment plant of legend. King Arthur never returned, but the sword lived on.
Note: Excalibur is also the given name of the car King Arthur drove, a black, 1986 Ford Mustang.
[edit] Bambi
Bambi was a deer, and the only animal to ever successfully wield Excalibur (although it remains a mystery as to how he did so). Although it is only legend, it is said Camelot Forest was also home to Walden Pond, where Bambi received the sword from reputed physicist Henry David Thoreau.
Bambi, as seen in the action-documentary movie of the same name, was the vigilant protector of Camelot Forest. Voiced by none other than Chuck Norris, Bambi and his side-kick, John the Epileptic, fought the evil hordes of monsters conjured by the wizard Gargamel. Using the infinite power of Excalibur, Bambi destroyed Gargamel and returned peace to Camelot Forest.
Sadly, Bambi was killed by a semi-truck years later while crossing a highway at night. Excalibur ricocheted off the truck's grill and pierced a Bob Evans sign, where it remained for 3000 years, waiting for its next owner.
[edit] Ving Rhames
Ving Rhames, infamous slayer of the undead, used Excalibur to lay waste to the hordes of zombies during that dark period in human history, the Dawn of the Dead. On his crusade against the zombie menace, Ving also impregnated 40 women, who, coincidentally, all had identical septuplets. He fathered every child individually - except one.
That one child, named Oprah, was a lonely and irritable child. Never receiving her father's love, Oprah grew up in despair. One day, wanting to end it all, Oprah submitted to the zombies and became one of them. Through a bizarre and unexplainable turn of events, the zombies made her their queen. In the meantime, Ving Rhames had trained his other 279 children to become lethal zombie killers, a group that would one day be known as The A-Team.
Now, Ving was faced with a very easy decision - stop fighting zombies, or kill the child he never really loved anyway? The choice was clear - he had to kill Queen Oprah of the Zombies. Calling upon the might of Excalibur, he locked in combat with his demon-spawn child. In the end, Ving destroyed his son, and without a queen the zombies had no will to continue fighting*.
After the Dawn of the Dead, Ving lived for another 40 years before discovering the secrets of immortality from the ancient Aztecs. He is currently residing in a small shack near London, where he will gladly invite visitors in to reminisce about "the good ol' days."
- The zombies never died out, being dead already, but simply stopped fighting. Just to clarify. The began an underground civilization, determined to bring Oprah back. They call this new group Corn. They resurrected Oprah, but she abandoned them for a a job as a talk show host.
[edit] Mario
Mario once used excalibur in a fight against Bowser, the supreme ruler of all the koopas. He defeated him but decided to not accept the throne due to an advice by Sailor Moon and The King Of All Cosmos.
