Extraordinary rendition
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Extraordinary rendition is a delicious American food recipe that produces a delicious dish drenched in large amounts of America's keystone spice, hot liquid fat. An all-around winner, the dish can be made quickly in a microwave and uses up terrorists.
[edit] Finding good ingredients
Good terrorists are hard to find and can command extraordinarily high prices, up to $25 million in one case. You need to make a trade-off between price and quality, maybe settling for an Iraqi teenager who tossed a rock or a Turkish immigrant caught masturbating to the image of a Molotov cocktail. The best authorities advise against trying to make this recipe with Americans, they're too bland and after the fat runs out there's nothing left to use.
Be careful when negotiating with Army dealers. Shipping fees are often substantial and the terrorist might fall out of the plane during transit.
[edit] Preparation
Unless you have enough guests to eat a whole terrorist, you should mark off a properly sized portion with a tourniquet to keep the rest fresh for later. Dress the terrorist for cooking:
- Handcuffs stay until the first arm is ready, leg shackles until the first leg is needed
- Strips of bacon, evenly spaced one inch apart
- Several canisters of pepper spray should be slathered over the meat prior to cooking
- Garlic - salt it on heavily. If you're cooking an arm try to get the terrorist to hold a few cloves between his fingers in exchange for a trial date. (this usually only works once, but sometimes you can get him to believe this the second time)
- Barbeque sauce (Texas brand only!)
- Some cooks add some kind of fancy foreign seasonings, but this is a disgrace.
[edit] Cooking
Ordinary rendition involves cooking the terrorist in a conventional oven or autoclave, and can produce tasty results. However, it is a deeply held American culinary tradition that terrorists should be nuked. This is fast and fairly easy with a few precautions. First, this is a very messy dish to cook, and you need to protect the inside of your microwave by lining it with paper. Tear up an old Koran you have lying around (they usually come free with the terrorists) and tape it to all surfaces of the microwave. You also have to tape down the little button that keeps the microwave from turning on, or you can just ask the terrorist to hold it down in exchange for no more butt rapes. (this only works once)
With a bowl under the meat to catch the juices for gravy, microwave on HIGH for 30 minutes. Don't stand too close to the partially open door unless you want to cook some nuts to go with your terrorist. You may like to talk to the terrorist while you're waiting, though you probably won't find out anything interesting. Watch the meat and stop the microwaving when it's blackened, not charred, then chop off the meat right at medium-rare. (Don't eat undercooked terrorist, they can carry diseases). Return the rest of the terrorist to the holding cell for later. Perhaps he can provide some nighttime entertainment, no?
Live-cooked terrorist tastes best, but since the main body won't fit in the microwave you'll have to carve off up the last of the meat before cooking. Usually you get good chunks of meat out of the butt and shoulder. The rest is more troublesome, but if you're the sort of person who digs the meat out of the base of the legs on a lobster you can find many worthwhile nuggets elsewhere. Once you've gotten everything useful you can out of the terrorist, toss what's left into the alleyway to die of natural causes.
The meat is delicious as is, or you can dip in the oil for a truly decadent American dish. The oil also forms the stock of a nice gravy for mashed potatoes on the side.
Serves four to twelve at 2000 calories a portion.
