Extreme Value Theorem

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“Well, DUUUUUuuuuhhhh!!!....”

~ Oscar Wilde on extreme value theorem

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The extreme value theorem is an extra-special, super-duper social-science result in calculus. In layman's terms, it states that for any population function, there exists at least one person attaining the population's greatest extreme of political ideology. This result is critical to modern-day statistics, because although it was made known through television, radio, and blog postings that some really far out ideas existed, the abstraction of these media made it unclear that there was a genuine wanker who held those views. Of course, to the layman this should be obvious, but the theorem was comforting to scientists who fancied their dogmatism to be different from the extreme values themselves.

The first sketches of the Extreme Value Theorem were full of fatal errors.

[edit] Working the theorem

Consider the following theorem:

"Human beings are by their nature, conditioned to follow their instincts in extreme situations."

Now let's give this an Extreme Value Theorem perspective:

In other words, their tendency to follow their instincts in extreme situations is a negative value. And that is understandable, because if you keep following your instincts in extreme situations, you're gonna get killed boyah.

We could apply this theorem to infinite situations: Holding the need to go to the bathroom, sexual tension, extreme hunger, bottled up anger, etc.

Thus, this is an Extremely Valuable Theorem.

[edit] Proof

The theorem is illustrated with the limit idea, where x is a reporter's position on the National Mall, j is journalistic integrity, a is the terror alert level, l is the presence of lobbyists, e is the education level of the state, and b is the Barack Obama factor:

Hence, Jeb Bush's role in Washington is marked, so the theorem is proved. QED.

[edit] Alternate theories

• The Incompetent Theorem
• The Extreme Valuable Theory
• The Extremist Values of Theories
• The Extermination of Math as we know it
• The Phitacoras Decadence
• The Philosopher's first guide to creating fake theories
• The Relativity of Stupidity
• The Theory of Scoring Hot Chicks
• The Vector Factor Raptor
• How to Hack your older brother's computer in 5 easy steps