ExxonMobil
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ExxonMobil is a small, struggling retirement home and oil company headquartered in Lampasas, Texas. Part owned by Ross Perot and Phil Collins, the company's publicity has been very high in the past twenty years. Office meetings and parties are filled with stunning drum solos and screaming of "Can I finish? Can I finish? Can I finish?!"
[edit] Humble Beginnings
ExxonMobil was created in 1922 from an oil company and a food preservative company having sex with each other while old people walked into their beds and dreamed, creating the corporate spawn of Satan. In 1923, Dick Cheney shot many of the shareholders, and declared himself princess of the company. He renamed the company Halliburton for a short time, after his rabid pet bunny, Hally Burton. After Cheney became Prime Minister of Saudi Arabia, a mysterious hooded posse took control of the company, bringing it back under some kind of control.
[edit] The Valdez Incident
During the Captain's drunken stupor and nightly lap dance, the Valdez wrecked in the oceans surrounding Alaska and spilled millions of gallons of oil into the sea, killing Carol Channing, Barry Manilow, and other household pests. Among the things that should have died, however, millions of innocent animals were also killed. Thousands of photos of oil-covered, dead animals are used during ExxonMobil's employee desensitizing program.
[edit] Currently
ExxonMobil, at their Lampasas HQ consisting of three converted portable bank buildings,makes $473 kabazootrilbion dollars a week, and most of their earnings is spent on a legion of helper monkeys for their bedridden CEO, Jacob Neebowitz. As you can see above in our very scientific estimates, ExxonMobil is the smallest corporation ever, scraping by on bread, water and Slim Jims.
Their stock on the NYSE (symbol GREDY) has skyrocketed in the past two years to $7,654 a share. Legend has it a hobo purchased one share of ExxonMobil at $.63 in 1977 and now has a net worth of $2 billion.
