Eye

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“Master Toto knows for a fact that asians are the only ones without usable eyes for sight.”

~ Master Toto

“In Soviet Russia, the eyes see you!!!”

~ Soviet Reversal

“Splurt!”

~ Patent after accidentally activating his gamma ray boosters with a hair dryer

“Ow! I've got jizz in my eye and its hurts like a mofo but I love it”

~ Kyle Lockhart

Muhuahahahaa!!

“You need an eye to see.”

~ Captain Obvious

Eyes are jellyfish-like organs responsible for the sense of sight, Eyes are commonly found on the face or inside of some dirty magazine. Each of them is attached to an eye sprocket, which is used to move the eye. This is required because eyes are usually to damn lazy to move themselves.

1 Everything has eyes
2 Function
3 Special Eye Powers
4 Eye Upgrades
5 Proper Care of the Eye
6 The Eye in Action
7 In Popular Culture
8 Eye also see

[edit] Everything has eyes

Everything has eyes. Even squirrels have eyes. There once was a squirrel; he had eyes and the world was forever changed.

[edit] Function

Scientists have been studying the eyes for centuries, and are no closer to discovering the mechanics of seeing than they ever have been. Oh, they talk a good game, they say shit like "rods and cones" and "optic nerve" and "color spectrum" and so on, but it still just boils down to "Light goes in one end and pictures come out the other."

Let the experts take care of your eyes.

[edit] Special Eye Powers

Throughout history, some individuals (both human and non-human) have been able to do more with their eyes than just see stuff:

Superman's heat vision can cut through anything. Rocks, concrete, bank vaults, you name it. I wish I had heat vision. Also he has X-Rated Vision, which means he can look through women's clothing and stuff. I'll bet that was pretty cool in the 50's, before the internet and all the bitchin porn available now, but just looking at naked chicks is kinda boring. Certain characters from Naruto such as Neji Hyuga also share this X-rated vision.
St. Peter's Basilica can turn you into stone by looking at you. Chuck Norris also has, but is not limited to, these powers.
That blue chick in the Powerpuff Girls had ice vision. Bet she could chill a beer with just a glance.
My grandmother knew this old Italian Lady who had an evil eye and if she looked at you with it, you'd die in like a week.
Hurricanes get their power by combining the eyes of all their previous victims into one big eye.
Miraluka Jedi Visas Marr has a power called Force Sex through empty eyesockets
Pride from Fullmetal Alchemist can see the future with his left eye
Some people can see using them.
Sasuke, Kakashi, and Itachi from Naruto have a special eye power that can be used for anything from copying their enemies' moves to date rape.
Originally thought to be a feature unique to John Paul 2.0, recent evidence suggests all popes have some degree of eye beams.
If you wear magic glasses you have the power of four eyes
Medusa: her gays turned people to stone.
Sylvester Stallone: Had an Eye of the Tiger that would, under the right conditions play a song that would help him train for big fights, especially for his fight against Superman in the movie "Rocky XXX: This Time, He's Pissed!"

[edit] Eye Upgrades

Super contact

Upgrade	Downside	Advantage	Cost
Super Contacts	You can Burn out Your Eyes.	You can Burn out Your Eyes.	You can Burn- I mean, $2,000.
Eye Replacements	Sometimes your new eyes will pop out from time to time.	If you get tiger eyes, you can sees in the dark, Roar!!!	'Bout $60 for raccoon eyes and $1,000,000 for Zebra eyes.
Knee Surgery	Patients complain that they find no difference with their eyesight.	Every operation left patents with working eyes.	$5,000-ish.
Spoon-Gouge	Some loss in focus.	Patients claim that they can watch T.V for hours without hurting their eyes!	0.01 cents, but you can get it for free with a home procedure.
Gamma ray booster rocket.	Microwaves can sometimes accidentally activate them and possible impalement might occur.	Great for quick, speedy getaways.	Free (home procedure)
Pancake pupil replacement	Eyesight crispy and the butter makes contacts slip off.	If the optional laser is added, you can look at an empty plate and send pancake spores to slowly grow a new pancake (incubation time: 9 weeks.)	$10-$15 depending on the flapjack brand.
Eye Beams	Eye beams are so powerful that they drain all your energy when fired, which means you need a constant supply of very nutritious foodstuffs to be able to use them.	You can finally compete with kittens in "laz0r competishuns".	Depends on the brand; certain Eastern European firms sell eye beams for $150 and up, but a professionally installed pair of eye beams costs at least $2,500.

[edit] Proper Care of the Eye

Keep your eyes clean. Remove them twice a week and rinse them off in clear, cool water. Never use hot water or your eye will cook like a hard-boiled egg.
Do not squeeze the eye.
Do not use the eye as a cooking untesil.
Eyes do not bounce like other spherical objects; the word splat comes to mind.
Never write on your eye with a sharp pencil or fountain pen. Use a soft brush dipped in non-acid ink, or a gently rounded felt-tip marker.

Keep hot water off of your eye. Don't let this happen to you. Is this saw eye an eye saw? or has it been attacked with one?

Take care when shaving the eye, especially around the cornea.
Always blink when looking at the sun.
Don't run with scissors.
Do not shampoo too vigorously.
Don't run with an eye saw.
Be careful when skullfucking, take your eyes out before each session.we dont want to get hair in our eyes do we.
Scrambled eyes don't taste good; it's better to serve them sunny-side up.
Scottish Formula 1 legend Jackie Stewart has the smallest eyes in recorded history. In fact, the apparatus used by Ernest Rutherford when splitting the atom was a later model of the apparatus used by Jackie Stewarts mother for applying his hayfever eye drops when he was a child.
If you have wide eyes like a wide-eyed goblin then you need to get restrainers or go to Asia for a while
Be sure to update the drivers for your eyes every six months for optimum vision.

Poke it. G'wan, you know you want to.

Recalibrate your eyes using a very powerful laser every day!

[edit] The Eye in Action

Your eye is amazing! It can see colors and gay people. ((It also can see straight people...Oh wait! It sees one now! Or does it?!?)) It also sees shapes and sizes. (("Thise are 45 DD's dear...")) See? OF course you see! Or do you sea?

[edit] In Popular Culture

CBS television company is run by an enormous eye.
It is rumoured that if you pause the movie The Lion King at just the right time, you can see Simba's eye.
Big Macs are made with Kawai.