FC Barcelona
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| Full Name | Futball Club Barcelona X | ||
| Nick Names | Nick, Nicky, Barca, Barcanick | ||
| Mottos | Mes que un porra: More than a Club sperm Sandwiches Rock! | ||
| Location | Wherever you'd least expect it | ||
| National anthem | The FC Barcelona Song/Chant | ||
| Currency | Euros, Canadian Tire Money | ||
| MotherShip | El Stadi Barcelona | ||
| AKA: | Camp Nou, New Camp, The Mothership | ||
| Capacity | mental: none, physical: short | ||
| President | Joan The Door | ||
| Head Coach | Josep Guardiola a.k.a Pep or Mr hat | ||
| League | Justice League | ||
| Nemesis | Real Madrid | ||
| Ethnic composition | Cats 50.0 % Argies 7.0 % Real Madrid Rejects 20.0 % Ninjas 13.2 % Dancers 4.8 % Prancers 3.3 % Kings 0.5 % Pending 10.0 % Stoners 82.3 % Mathematicians -2.0 % | ||
| Trophies | Best in Show | ||
The team that is Barcelona is actually (Acording to realiable information liad out by Resident John "The Portman" LaPorta) an underground organization that serves the purpose of fighting the Spanish Inquisition since 1879.
FC Barcelona is not just more than a Club Sandwich, its also more than a Football team, there's also a B team, a C team, etc, etc. Then there are the other minions- I mean Teams, FC Barcelona Basketball,S&M n' Sex, Badmington and coming soon... CURLING! Ronaldinho, the most well known Barcelona athlete, captains the S&M n' Sex. He has been known as the greatest rimmer ever, even training such future rimmers such as Leo Messi to give perfect rimjobs. FC Barcelona is the only club known to have a sporting section like this.
Contents |
[edit] History
The history of FC Barcelona is clouded by time and myth! Seriously! This is largely due to the high altitude of Catalonia, where the club is located (at times). There are several theories put forth by experts on the subject. The most likely story is the touching tale of two friends, separated by a border, but the heart knows no boundaries... Juan Penis and Jean Compagnie grew up on opposite sides of the Spain/France border. Through a series of random, funny, and touching circumstances they met and became best sex buddies (movie rights pending). They soon discovered a mutual love of cats and were disgusted by the cruel violin making practices of the day. So, they started up FCB, or the Freedom Cat Bureau, and set out to free the Cats of France and Spain. They made up a secret code that mixed Spanish and French and used it to plot while they were in public. What they did in private remains a mystery(not). Unfortunately their efforts were largely unsuccessful and their towns both decided to exile them. Spain lost the coin toss and the boys set up shop in this mountainy, cloudy, useless part of Spain they named Catalonia: No Dogs Allowed! There they were joined by other cat lovers and unsuccessful musicians. But the real story begins when a group of men with balls came upon them. They taught them the noble game of Foot-Ball and soon the cats were forgotten. Peins was great at the new game but Compagnie found his calling by opening a Bar where the players could drown their sorrows. Soon FCB was Foot-Ball Club Bar-celona and people started coming from all around to watch the game and learn the secret code: CATALAN which is still spoken in the area today. who the fuck wrote this!!!!!! Oh! me now i remember i'm stupid! lol
[edit] Real Madrid say What?
Barcelona has CLASS*!!!!!!! Real Madrid is another team with a superiority complex. They have even named themselves ROYAL Madrid, appearently just Madrid isn't good enough. The fact that Barcelona calls itself 'More Than A Club' does not add extra irony to this statement.
“Madrid! Cabron! Saluda al campeon!”
~ Samuel Eto'o on Real Madrid- this is an actual quote (rough translation Madrid is gay but Barca still want their man love)
Is that better Template:Someone who likes to note Eto'o's obvious potty mouth?
Stay tuned for their upcoming reality series: The Real Madrid
Wow, they suck! Ronaldinho on Real Madrid after his team conceded another vital goal from Spanish state God Raúl Tamudo.
- Class 3.
[edit] The Land of Misfit Players
Do YOU play a hell-of-a game of Football but just don't fit in with the other teams? Then YOU may be just what we're looking for!
Barca tends to have a Angelina Jolie Complex but instead of collecting orphans, it collect misfit toys, players, I mean players...
Come to Barca!
It may not seem like a good strategy but thanks to this sort of UN-Nazi Propaganda Barca palyers are fiercely loyal to Barca. They suddenly play better, shoot straighter and have that extra bounce in their step only narcotics can provide.
Speaking of providing Narcotics...
[edit] Frank Rijkaard
Frank Rijkarrd was born to surf, he has surfed the seven seas under the aliases, The Big Kahuna, and Archie. Unfortunately an unfortunate encounter with a giant squid has left him with a paralyzing fear of water and his surfing career came to an end. After a brief stint as a drug dealer, he now coaches the team to victory.
His hobbies are such as swallowing and smoking marijuana. His face is a good proof of it.
[edit] Sociopaths
Taking hoolliganism to the next level Barca fans call themselves Sociopaths. It is unclear at this time whether they have taken over the club and are actually running it from behind the scenes OR are the mindless minions of Joan The Door, a fearsome army just waiting for the right moment to strike. True to their accepting attitude Barca will let anyone be a sociopath... provided they pass a series of grulling physical exams. No psych profile needed, it is assumed that if you want to join, you ARE crazy.
It may not sound like much but the perks are great, including discounts on merchandise and tickets, priority seating and when you join you get a steamy night with one of the players... The younger ones get their misuage auctioned off (Geisha Style).
[edit] Merchandising
“The money comes from merch”
~ Joan on Merch
You can buy anything with the Barca logo/colours/players/etc. From soccer balls and t-shirts to Dog dishes and Atomic bombs even Ronaldinho's penis.
[edit] Club Song
| Tot el camp, és un clam, sóm la gent blaugrana, tan se val d’on venim, si del sud o del nord, ara estem d’acord, estem d’acord, una bandera ens agermana. blau grana al vent, un crit valent, tenim un nom, el sap tothom: Barça!, Barça !, Baaaarça !!!!
| All the camp, is a clam, we are the blue and red people, doesn't matter where we come from, from the south, from the north, just like that, we all agree, we all agree, a flag makes us brothers (or sisters), Blue and Red in the wind, a Valiant cry! We have a name! The whole world knows! sperm, sperm, sperm !!!!
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Chilling, isn't it?
[edit] Players
1) Victor Valdes
- Previously ineffectual goalie. He has recently improved his stats by desperately studying Derek Zoolander and mastering "Blue Steele"
2) Gabriel "Marshall" Milito
- He is called the "Marshall" for some reason. He thinks he is in a war and the rival team are the enemies so he trounces their legs so they can't be a menace anymore
3) Thiago Motta (Moved to Patético de Madrid because he sucked)
- One of the last true pirates, he spends most of his time recovering from injuries using medicinal marijuana... that explains a lot, including his name.
4) Rafael "Sorry Was That Your Leg" Marquez
- Juventues and Milan tried to rob him and we stole him back.HAHA!Stupid Italians
5) Carles Puyol "Tarzan"
- Intensly devoted/brainwashed Captain of the team. Sometimes confuses his Capitan role with that of a Sea Capitan. Does one hell of a Johhny Depp impression. Secret love child of God and the Queen of Barcelona.
6) Xavi
- Puts the X in Futball Club Barcelona X
7) Eidur Gudjohnsen
- friends call him Guddy. Barca fans call him the blondie because hes as useless as a dumb blond girl and has blond hair.
8) Toure Yaya
- The black assassin of the team. Every big team has one assassin, and Toure Yaya's main hability is to hurt the rival players without any kind of weapon. He also knows how to kick a ball occasionaly if he has to
- Stole his nickname from Sam Roberts Canadian Rock Star. Wears a funny hat sometimes.
10) Ronaldinho (He's gone to AC Milan aka "Asylum FC" where all the finished and old players are)
- Born to a horse, he used to be the best. These days, he spends most of his time making Nike commercials and holding eating competitions with Ronaldo.Hes a dog actully.
11) Gianluca Zambrotta (The same as Ronaldinho)
- Dirty Italian defender (Same as all italians, but still an innocent pussy compared to Materazzi)
14) Thierry Henry.
- Arsenal fans wasn't pissed enough about Barca that his best player got to sign with the catalan team...Barca's fans were however pissed over a player who can't do fucking squat
15) Ed, Edd And Eddy N Milson (He once talked about the black sheep and he was put in the black list)
- Its Ed Edd n Eddy, except with a guy named Milhouse.But everyone just calls him Milson.
16) Sylvinho
- Probably the only Brazilian in the world who truly sucks at football.
18) St. Marin Ezquerro (He was sacked for being too good)
- Patron of the team. Miraculous ability to remain completely unknown while his teammates shoot to stardom.
19) Lionel Messi
- Worst in the world
20) Deco the cheat (Gone to the cheat team Chel$ea)
- Deco is the team Ninja. He spends his time on the pitch diving around and making crimes for the ref and his team mate's, defending the runts on the team, like Messi, from the players on the other team. His motto is: Red Cards are just the ref's way of letting me know I'm doing my job.in his spare time he likes to go to london to sleep with slappers.
21) Lillian Thuram (He retired because of his unability to run faster than 3 km/h)
- Changed his sex, but never got the paperwork done for the name change.
22) Javier Went to Reject Madrid Saviola (So, Real Mandril took out Barça's garbage)
- Nicknames: Javi, Savi, and el Konejo (The Rabbit)
- too cool to be a part of this motley team so he thought reject madrid was the better option. He's gonna be thrown away just like royal pain in the ass always does.
23) Oleguer (Went to Ajax to win the Champions League shitty Netherlands league)
- Oleguer is his first name... whatever.
- Best known for his role on "Friends" as Chandler's crazy roommate
24) Andrés Iniesta Luján
- 300 years young, this Vampire is a force to be reckoned with on the pitch. Is believe to be the reason many bats hang around the stadium. Only plays night games.
- Nickname: Caspar
25) Albert Jorquera
- He used to be number 11
26) Giovanni Dos Santos (Went to Tottenham, next Ronaldinho my ass)
- Wannabe Bojan Krkic, With a brazilian father and a mexican mother, both countries are in a war for getting this future world class player in their national teams.
27) Bojan Krkic
- Lionel Messi look-alike, much younger, has smaller penis
28) Sergi Busquets
- His father Carles was the worst goalkeeper in history. He DIDN'T take any lesson from him and he is a good player.
[edit] Barca Toons - The Dark Side of FCB
The Barca Toons are a group of cartoon midgets who have been intentionally disfigured to resemble the players of the team. They are forced to act in degrading skits about the players. These resemble mini-soccer-pornos usually ripping off some big hollywood blockbuster currently out on video. When they aren't acting the midgets spend their days sweltering in the heat of hundreds of ovens in bakeries making the bread for the Pans & Compagnie Sandwiches. The less talented ones sweep the floors. Rather than hiding their horrific degradation of these cartoon midgets Barca shamelessly flaunts their degradation in a myriad of marketing schemes, merchandise, bobble-head dolls, stickers, and most recently books that tell the sad and desperate life stories of these small animated victims of Barca's insatiable greed.
[edit] Old Content
This has been extensively updated and some of the original material survives in the rest of the entry but the rest rests here...
We all know that FC Barcelona have got some good players, but do they tell the truth about how they got them?..
[edit] Ugly Players
Barcelona has always been famous for buying the worlds most ugly players: Just take a look on their "stars" Eto'o and Ronaldinho. The true is that it isn't because of their football abilities they play so good, but because of their faces. When people see them they simply run screaming away and Eto'o and Ronaldinho can easiley dribble towards the goal and score.
Barcelona is also very famous for cloning the players that can't live up to the expectations, for example Eidur Gudjohnsen. Gudjohnsen startet sucking right after his arrival to Barcelona, but then Rijkaard got a good idea: We will simply clone Gudjohnsen and make the clone play better! MUHAHAHAHA But the cloning was too obvious. Ine the first Liverpool-match Guddy startet feinting right after he came on the pitch, and the last match against liverpool he even scored a goal!
After the cloning episode Barcelona are thinking about firing Gudhohnsen and hire a monkey instead, as the monkey probably will play better..
An interwiew with Frank Rijkaard
Interwiewer: So Frank, How do you look upon today's defeat against Sevilla?
Rijkaard: I cannot believe that ref, Guily does nothing and Zambrotta hardly eaven touches him!! They DIVE and CHEAT!!
Interwiewer: And with the loss at Anfield means that you are out of the Campions Leage, so you have only got La Liga left, wthat happens if you lose that too?
Rijkaard: I Dont care, all the effort I put in to this crappy team, and then I get fired when we dont win a cup one seson. Jose Mouniho says he is the speciel one, so then that makes me Jesus!! HAHA!!
Interwiewer: Okay... moving on, what do you think about Deco, lots of people meen he dieves too much, and that he shouldent always make a baby face when he is tackled?
Rijkaard: THEY LIE!! THEY ALL LIE!! Deco is just a target because hes so good, they try to injure him so he cannot play anymore, but their evil plan wont work.. MUHAHAHA...
Interwiewer: Ahh.. Here comes a Barca fan now lets see what he says to it.. My good man, do you think that Deco dives or not?
Barca Fan: Si Señor, I must agree with you there, he does dive..
Interwiewer: So there it is folks Deco does Dive but... Hey!.. Frank what are you doing to that barca fan!? (Frank runs away).. Phew.. that was a close one.. Are you allright my good man?
Barca Fan: Barca.. Barca.. I love Barca.. Deco doesen't dive!! THEY CHEAT!! CHEAT!! CHEAT!!
Interwiewer: WTF!?.. Hey!? What are you doing to meeee!?...
Barca Fan: It's done my lord... (Frank appers from the door)
Rijkaard: You have done well today...
Interwiewer: Barca.. Barca.. I love Barca.. (Deco appears)
Deco: Madrid.. Madrid .. Madrid.. .......................... why you all looking at me?
