Fox "News"
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The following article is based very loosely by the novel of the same title, by Oscar Wilde
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Fox News is one of the most respectable news sources in America, it is the absolute answer to the meaning o life and it is the most unbiased and greatest news ever to exist. It is said by most to be the modern equivalent to the Holy Bible and functions in much the same way. Its top notch staff includes Ann Coulter, Sean Hannity and Bill O'Reilly. It is believed that all news channels will eventually evolve into exactly the opposite of conservative Fox News except Fox News. Fox news are always searching for wars..and when they dont find any..they ask the conservatives to make one.
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[edit] Overview
Fox News (also called The Ministry of Truth) is based in a great America where all liberals want are tax hikes and huge government. Also in this great America economics works and all poor people are made lazy by the fact they having little or no money and are lazy.
At the behest of network presidents Rupert and Murdock, all news is thoroughly checked over by Fox's scientific news unobjectivity scanning device. The friendly corporation NewsCorp, owned by democrat and bear Rupert Murdoch, has spent literally billions of dollars on this device that is designed by science to take facts and turn them into real news. Not even Wikipedia can dispute the facts of Fox News.
Sadly, Fox news has nothing to do with foxes, unless you count the crack team of reporterettes. Fox News is a counter to the mainstream lieberal media, which is controlled by left-wing, bleeding heart communist defeat'o crat Jewish Hitlerites with shitloads of money obtained by selling the souls of children to the Asian communists, and who spread lies and misinformation through their left-wing, terrorist sympathizing jew news networks. (Source: Fox News)
It's been said that Fox News is secretly run by a bunch of evil neo-conservative bastards, although the only evidence of this is the actual content that Fox news produces, the fact its president is a neo-conservative capitalist whore, and the fact that its staff are all registered members of the Republican party. However hearsay laws prevent this from being used to prove the point, and truth be told the only way to come to this conclusion would be if you are a communist or a far-left America-hating liberal defeat 'O Crat anyway. You should just shut up and do as you are told. As Bill O'Reilly points out, "SHUT UP! SHUT UP!" CUT HIS MIKE!
The best part about FOX News is that spinning cube. It is SO AWESOME!
[edit] History
With the advent of television in 1932, then octogenarian Rupert Murdoch decided to use his billions to create a network that would voice the outspoken opinion of the American white, rich/middle class, male, aged 18-55. His idea was Fox News. Rupert Murdoch is well known across the pond in Britain for buying up tabloids and putting pictures of royals in the buff on the front covers. Many Fox viewers refuse to believe this because they did not hear it on Fox.
Fox News has been honorably reporting on all news worthy events such as Paris Hilton getting arrested, Paris Hilton going to jail, Paris Hilton's sudden realization that she's a slutty, spoiled whore, Paris Hilton being a slutty, spoiled whore, and the bombing of Paris Hilton. In the common interest of everyone they aired these stories 24 hours a day; sometimes for 3 days straight. They also never forget to mention human interest stories like minimum wage increases, the rising death toll in Iraq, and the dirty lie that Fox lies about it's news stories.
Fox news: We Report, We Decide
[edit] Award Winning (Peabody/Polk/?) Journalistic (?) Style
Fox continues giving accurate news to this date, covering events like America's glorious victory in Iraq thanks to our brave president using such slogans as, "Hard work", Making Progress" but not "Stay the Course" naturally because he never ever used that and or course in addition to honoring the white soldiers who died for the freedom of America in the face of WMD-harboring Iraqi Al-Queda terrorists (who are supported by the Democrats) who need to be freed from Saddam Hussein: Director of the 9/11 incident which was perpetrated by 19 freedom-hating arabs who flew planes into buildings after basic training and were identified by their passports, which survived explosions powerful enough to vaporize airplanes into oblivion because they were made of adamantium. Fox "News" was there. And the only network willing to tell the truth.
In Addition to 24/7 Iraq coverage, Fox has also been known to randomly pop in and give special alerts that can't wait until 9:00 MST, it has to be in the middle of an important Football game or your favorite episode of Seinfeld. Fox has a special timer that times it so that the programming is interrupted right before the most important Touchdown or the funniest part. Because the news is so important to interrupt our programming, we won't even need to watch Fox News at 9:00, CNN news, Fox Morning News, Fox's next programming interruption or even read the newspaper, which all will repeat the story at least twice for those who missed it.
Fox News has also been known to give us very important details that no other news station gives us. They're mostly famous for showing us the type of shoes worn by the students at Columbine that fateful day, or a book that was being read in addition to which chapter it was on. No other news station actually bothered to give us such details and progressed to the things viewers wanted to hear. Recently they've been giving us minute-by-minute updates on Karr in the Ramsey case in the middle of an important show, including showing a second by second report of how Karr was seen scratching his nose, which his lawyer proved indicated that he was not guilty.
Random footage of 9/11 and the OJ Simpson trial still pop up from time to time because no news station really has gotten over those two events. They always take priority over something exciting like a Car Chase.
[edit] Fox Trumps Inferior News Channels
Fox News has declared holy war on shitty CNN several times and CNN has responded by stealing anchors, so Fox stole several of their anchors, such as Greta Van Sutren and Ron Burgandy which forced the US government to step in and create a draft and free agency periods. Now all networks hold the yearly NAAAOSAA (National Anchors and other Spokespeople/animals Association) draft. Not surprisingly the first pick in the draft was Elmo.
[edit] Criticism
A scathing documentary on the network's copious journalistic distortions, Outfoxed, was released in 2004 by Robert Greenwald. Although it appeared to be well researched and even contained interviews with former Fox News employees and numerous inter-office memos that requested reporters to bias their reporting in favor of conservative, republican policies, Fox News itself destroyed the credibility of the documentary by denying the claims live on air. Robert Greenwald was forced to crawl back to his home and begging plotting anew to find the secret ingredient of crabby-patties. His drivel was utter crap and rumored to be given by the Democrats.
Recently Fox has come under fire for its hiring practices. You see in 2001 a man named John Dole applied for a job at Fox News based on the fact that by being employed there he would help America. After an interview he was turned down despite his squeaky clean record of sanity and regularity. He brought a court case against Fox claiming he was turned down just on the basis he was sane. A day later Fox ran a story denying this and this swayed the judge to throw out the case; saying "[John Dole] you are full of shit you fucking lying bullshitinning defeatocrat".
[edit] Rupert, Murdock
Rupert, Murdock is the team of Rupert the Bear and Murdock from the A-Team. Together, they fight crime and own Fox News.
[edit] Fair And Balanced, Mein Fuhrer?
In order to promote the image of objectivity, Fox News repeats slogans loudly and frequently (as one would naturally expect from an objective news organization) throughout its programming. The original main slogan for Fox News was going to be We distort and create fictitious content for dumb Americans to accept without question, but was then moved towards Fair and Balanced, Meine Fuhrer?, this new slogan was dropped however, when Rupert, Murdock realized that there were similarities to this slogan (and the types of graphics that were originally to be used) and Nazism under the Third Reich. In a moment of genius, Bill O'Reilly, that great bastion of truth and virtue, thought of dropping the loaded term 'Fuhrer', and to leave the slogan at 'Fair and Balanced'. Unfortunately, the original plans and pictures were leaked onto the Internet and viewed by you. And ole' BillO decided to go for a "We 'Report' you decide." slant.
The recent hire of Ron Burgandy has given Fox News more street cred, which puts it in the same league as BET local news. Burgandy was best known as a local anchorman for San Diego.
Thus, Fox news was born. As of June 2005, everyone in the world believes Fox News to be the only legitimate news organization, unless you count Barbra Streisand, who is a traitor bitch anyway.
Fox News plans to relaunch its "Fair and Balanced" slogan with endorsements from well known "Fair and Balanced" celebrities. Already signed are Attila the Hun, Charlton Heston, Nimrod, Vlad the Impaler 'various' Balkan war heroes, and Walt Disney. "The key message that we want to get across," stated Fox spokesperson Rupert Hess, "is that we are Fair and Balanced where possible. However, we are not afraid to go after anyone with oil who is a threat to our democratic freedom."
Part of the relaunch will include rallies and marches by the uniformed wing of Fox News and the burning of "Fair and Balanced" effigies.
[edit] Fox News suing themselves
Fox News got all annoyed by a reference to it in The Simpsons TV show, and started to sue them. When they discovered that The Simpsons were made by the Fox Network, they stopped, so that Fox wouldn't be suing Fox: A fact so mind-numbingly stupid that it doesn't need to be parodied to gain entry on Uncyclopedia. "Fox news replied with this statement "as always our margin of error is plus or minus the facts"
This was more absurd than the time Michael Moore rigged the 2001 elections in favor of Ben and Jerry, allocating all of the US's Electoral College seats to tiny Vermont.
As of March 12, 2007, Fox News will officially be monitored by the Oil and Gas Lobby, which has recently moved from Houston to Dubai.
[edit] Fox Copyrighting fox
In 2005, Rupert Murdoch started some controversy when he attempted to copyright the fox. He stated his feelings that, "since Fox News is such a great and honorable station that was dedicated to reporting only non-bias facts and honest news," his television station should hold the financial owner's rights to the mammal. When he was criticized for his statement, his response was "no, it's not out of copyright holder's greed...it's just that, with Fox News being at the high ranking of quality that it is, such a station should be allowed to put legal ownership on this creature. Besides, I wouldn't charge THAT much for people to use foxes in their own forms of works, whether creative, business logo, or documentary." When the courts dismissed his wish, stating that the fox is a creation of nature and a non-copyright subject that is not meant to be copywritten for one's personal ownership, Murdoch responded to the decision as "psychotic liberal propaganda."
[edit] Lulz
Fox news also gets greattastic lulz from making the users of 4chan lol themselves. PROTECT YOU HOUSE WITH CURTAINS AND DOGS!
[edit] Slogan
The fundamental slogan of Fox News is...
WE ARE THE INTERNET HATE MACHINE'S HATE MACHINE
this is the fundamental belief of INGSOC FOX NEWS
[edit] Fox News Personalities
- Bill O'Reilly
- Ron Burgandy
- Alan "I'm a Liberal??" Colmes
- Randy Newman
- Lil Jon
- Sean "No Brain" Hannity
- Andrew John "Ann" Coulter
[edit] See also
- Fox Mulder
- Randy Orton
- GOP Network
- Fake News Network
- Fux news
- Fixed news
- Neil Catovos' rich world
- Yellow journalism
