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Facebook is a highly modified MySpace profile, and a mutation of the LiveJournal virus that infects people who consider themselves "way too cool" to have a Myspace. Its precise origins are unknown, but it has been hypothesized that the Facebook mutation occurred after the LiveJournal virus was exposed to a form of delta-radiation known as Internet pretention. Its initial spreading is attributed to the American Stalker's Union. It is mainly intended for clinically depressed teenage wanabees, and co-morbidity with the MySpace virus is fairly consistent. Facebook is also one of the leading causes of many STDs. People who typically use Facebook are insecure Albanians and Norwegians named Eileen or Joseph, and even possibly Bertram. Facebook is generally defended as "Just a way to keep in touch" - undoubtedly a reference to touching oneself while "investigating" pictures from last night's party in which people who were cooler and prettier than you had a good time.
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[edit] Discovery
The Facebook virus was first isolated by researchers at the University of Illinois in February of 2005, headed by Dr. Kevin Finn. At the time, the Winthrop research team was working on a drug that might be able to suppress the LiveJournal gene. Instead, Janelle and her team discovered a foreskin more resilient to his treatment than the LiveJournal one was. When she announced her new discovery, and vowed to "eliminate once and for all this new faceless entity". All data on this new flap was entered into a mainframe that was dubbed "Facebook", and the name stuck.
[edit] What is Facebook?
Facebook is an online reference to the "Book of Life". The index alone features extrapolations on many topics formally considered much, much more evil than mere symbolic mythology. An investigation by the CIA by their special agent Mr. Smith has revealed that Facebook is actually a cult of the Undead, plotting to overthrow the Earth. As more people are born with faces, James Bond steals them and increases its power. The Bible's 67th book of the Old Testament, the book of Luke Skywalker, prophesies that one day, a baby will be born without a face, born to save the human race. However, some skeptics have suggested that the Bible only says this because it rhymes.
[edit] Effects of Facebook
Facebook has been scientifically proven to cause severe brain death, reducing a student to an enslaved, shambling monstrosity within mere seconds of joining the website. All their time is then taken up by joining useless clubs that only serve to express how much they love Facebook.
Facebook has also been linked to the higher likelihood of the carrier developing patterned behaviour of substance abuse, mostly related to alcohol and depression. Carriers of the Facebook gene spread their mutation by posting drunken pictures of themselves and others on the Internet in a process known as "tagging". Facebook has also been linked with several psycho-social conditions, including paranoia, schizophrenia, and listening to Sufjan Stevens.
[edit] Big Brother
At the start of September 2006, Big Brother took over Facebook, and as part of the world's backlash against Steve Irwin's death, decided to inform everyone on Facebook of their friends' every move.
For example, the average user can now know with a simple view of their Facebook homepage that:
- Their best friend opted to join the "I hate Oscar Wilde" group and declined their invitation to their newly created "Grue Lovers" group at 8:15 pm (when they said they wouldn't be home)
- Megan T. removed "fuzzy socks" from her interests at 10:37 pm
- James B. replied to a post in the "I'm a closet terrorist" group at 6:28 pm
- Lisa H. complained about her history professor in a note posted at 3:35 pm (ironically during her history class)
- At least 5 of their friends are in constant relationship flux (signifying extreme Borderline Personality Disorder) going from "Single" to "It's Complicated" to "In A Relationship" to "Single" again within 15 minutes
- Little Kate P. from that high school down the street from them will be attending an event nearby at 11 p.m. tomorrow night (hint: now would be a good time to "borrow" some stuff from her place)
The aim of this exercise is uncertain, but it seems to be a ploy mainly to make everyone extremely paranoid and piss them off in equal measures.
[edit] Determining one's worth as a human being based on Facebook
Facebook can serve as a gauge for evaluating worth as a human being. This can have dramatic and lasting consequences, as many who have failed to consider themselves worthwhile human beings by this definition have often sunk into traumatic and suicidal depressive cycles, eventually resulting in a lightly-publicised Internet suicide and the source of a temporal fad for about three months.
Similar to the MySpace Algorithm, this is a point-based system that is based on a combination of factors, including the number of groups one belongs to, the number of people to whom one has never spoken to before listed as "friends", the number of photo albums that involve heavy use of drugs or alcohol, and the number of wall posts one possesses.
[edit] Pariah
A user may be known as a Facebook Pariah if he or she has performed one of the following actions:
- Rejected another user who genuinely has had little or no contact with the Pariah.
- Removed another user from the friend list who confirmed friend details more than 3 months ago.
- Does not have drunk pictures of himself or herself posted for all to ridicule.
- Is listed as "single" but is not listed as "looking for a relationship".
- Is listed as "married" and really is married.
- Belongs to fewer than 12 Facebook groups.
- Has a profile purposely made to be boring.
- Has a "favorite book" listed that is actually his/her favorite book, and not something pretentious designed to impress everyone else (e.g. anything by Sartre).
- Has not changed his or her Facebook picture for more than 7 days.
- Does not have at least three friends who they claim to have "hooked up" with but really mean it as a joke.
- Has fewer than 12 Facebook applications.
- Has limited his or her search privacy.
[edit] Whore
Similarly, a user may be known as a Facebook Whore if he or she has performed one of the following actions:
- Has a wall with more than 1,000 posts on it.
- Has stolen more than five people's Facebook Wall Virginity.
- Has more than a tenth of the student population listed as his/her friends.
- Has a profile that is longer than most professional resumes.
- Posts more than 5 sentences on a single post on a wall or discussion board.
- Has more than 3 discussion topics in the same group in relation to sex, drugs, alcohol, wrestling, fat people or old men.
- Updates Top Friends every day, and switches all friends in the list.
- No more than three days passes without an update on the user's profile.
- Updates status on every mood change and/or "what I had for lunch"
- Comments on someone's photo
- Has more than 2 sentences in the section "about me"
- Has more than 2 emails posted on their profile.
- In the section "interests" includes 'sex', 'stripping', 'adding people that I don't know'.
- Joins every network or adds all applications of their friends.
- Writes an inappropriate word anywhere on the profile.
- Has more than 20 pictures taken on the same day posted on their profile.
- All people categorized as such are most certainly gay or female.
[edit] Failure
A user may be known as a Facebook Failure (and possibly an Internet Failure) if he or she has performed one of the following actions:
- Is shown to be "online" at 2:00 in the morning.
- Spams on other people's walls.
- Has a profile that takes more than 10 seconds to load (on 54.0 Mbps speed)
- Is a daily user of any application by Chainn Inc. (e.g. Compare People, Testimonials, Social Profile, No Mercy, Sparkey, Circle of Trust, Friend Advisor)
- In the profile, writes 'I'm a hottie', 'I'm very sexy', 'I'm attracted to myself' or of any variation.
- Has www.facebook.com on his or her favorites in more than one folder.
- Is too busy to get on with life because of Facebook.
- Writes on random walls just to seek some attention.
- Uses more than 7 different applications on the same day.
- Lists fifteen or more bands under his or her "favourite music".
- Lists every movie watched in the last 4 months under his or her "favorite movies".
- Has a profile typed in aLt CaPs.
- Has a number of Friends greater than or equal to 25% of the university's total student population.
- Has more than 100 friends that they do not know in person.
- Has more than one Facebook account in use.
- Forwards more than five Funwall or Super Wall posts to all his or her friends per week.
- Lists anything to do with Bart Simpson under his or her profile.
- Has parts of other people's profiles in their own.
- Logs on more than once in a day, for over 5 minutes at a time.
- Has entire photo albums full of their moronic drunken friends fake pouting.
- Say that they are in a relationship with another man, even when they're not gay (debatable).
- Is a man that uses :) or :( of any variation in a post.
- Uses LOL or LMAO in a sentence when talking in person.
- Takes pride in their profile.
- Is purposely online on Facebook until all recent friend requests have been accepted (when more than 5 friend requests were sent).
- Includes fake phone numbers for pranking people.
- Includes more than 10 pictures on the album 'Profile Pictures' that do not include himself or herself.
- Makes fake tags on photos.
- Logs in just to check if friends called you a punk.
- Accepts all requests just to avoid displeasing people.
- Has under favorite books "I don't read books", "I love every book", or "Sparknotes."
- Has "Chillin," "Hanging" or "having fun" listed in their interests.
- Visits and leaves the same profile (including their own) more than 3 times in one day, without any action.
- Facebook is an alternate definition of life.
- Being the CJC kid in this thread
- Who uploads every picture in their in an album titled 'Random Photos', 'Random Old Photos', or their name (eg: 'This is Kevin')
- Clicks the home button every five seconds to see if anything has changed:[1]
[edit] Controversy
[edit] Two-Face theory
Batman's foe, Two Face, is believed to the founder of Facebook. Certain anti-facebookists believe that on February 22, 2022 (2/22/22). Harvey Dent/Two Face will use all the knowledge he gained about Facebookers and rob them of their sanity (or whatever else is left over). Please see picture below.
[edit] Allegations of use as a tool for stalkers
In recent years, Facebook has been accused by critics as a tool for stalkers. This claim was further exacerbated in June 2006 when the American Stalker's Union selected Facebook as their favourite website, defeating big contenders like Wikipedia, Google Pages, and Cameras In Your Shower!!!!!! in a site-wide popularity contest. Delighted Facebook executives believe this is because of their new Facebook: Stalker Edition™. Indeed, one in four college murders has been linked with Facebook; a highly publicised case at Wheeling Jesuit University brought this contention further into the limelight when a victim's face was mutilated and a dark blue question mark drawn on instead.
Facebook has consistently refuted these charges, claiming that ritually tracking a person's every movement is too narrow a definition to be classified as "stalking". "So a couple of thousand of college and high school kids are masturbating to pictures of their roommate's girlfriends; what's the big deal?" said Facebook spokesperson "Peeping" Tom Bundy.
