Fag whining
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Fag whining is a traditional Lithuanian institution dating to the time before Christ. It is widely recognized as the worlds fourth oldest artform, following cave painting, interpretive dance, and torture. Fag whining has recently become en vogue worldwide with the advent of Emo music and culture. Fag whining is not to be confused with filibustering, which is classified by most historians as fag whinnying.
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[edit] Origins
The oldest recorded instance of fag whining was Gurgg Furrgromp in the year 1278 B.C., who complained, "I hate being in the cave as much as I hate being outside of the cave, and it's all your fault." Gurgg was one and a half years old at the time, which, adjusted for age inflation, is the equivalent of fifteen years old today. This statement confounded his five-year-old parents, Buh and Kurggeghblegh, but established the Zen koan-like format for the fag whining that would come to pervade Lithuanian society.
[edit] Proper Fag Whining
There is a great deal of confusion as to what separates fag whining from traditional whining. The line, however, is easy to draw. Let us compare a traditional whine with a fag whine to demonstrate the difference.
[edit] Traditional Whine
"I'm starving to death!" This traditional whine presents a clear problem (starvation), as well as the implied solution (food). The listener can clearly discern the speaker's intent, and the conflict in question is not the result of a mood disorder or hormonal imbalance on the part of the speaker.
[edit] Fag Whine
"Nobody understands me!"' This fag whine presents a conflict that is inherently unresolvable, and is actually exarcerbated by the complaint. The speaker is driven by irrational rage/depression, and has convinced themself that the root of their unhappiness is a social problem on the listener's part. A proper fag whine must never offer a solution. Expert fag whiners ignore not only solutions but conflicts themselves, relying on imaginary oppression for inspiration rather than legitimate problems.
[edit] Delivery
Common threads between aspiring fag whiners are a comfortable upbringing and a total disconnect with reality, but these traits alone are not enough. We have already discussed that a proper fag whine must be unsolvable by any means but a firm beating. But how to deliver such a whine? The two common schools on the subject are the Rebel and the Martyr. We will discuss both.
[edit] Rebel
The Rebel is the ideal delivery when there is a door to the outside nearby. The Rebel starts an argument with the authority figure in question over any trivial subject. The argument escalates until both parties are screaming. It is at this crescendo in the match that the Rebel delivers the coup de grace of a fag whine before storming up to their room. Fag whines suited to the topic of discussion are ideal, but the old standbys of, "Nobody understands me!" or, "I hate everything!" are acceptable. Dedicated Rebels will opt to storm out of the house entirely, stay over at a friend's house for the night, and return the next day with a piercing, dyed hair, or teenage pregnancy.
[edit] Martyr
The Martyr is the ideal delivery for fag whiners with a sensitive or "understanding" audience. A key advantage of this delivery is that the whiner may achieve a dignified glow following the delivery of their complaints; a belief that they must be right because they acted so maturely. The Martyr can opt to be either calm or melodramatic, but never angry, which could open them up to criticism from the listener. Speak in fluid English with constant eye contact - never showing signs of being anything less than a cross between Jove and Buddha - as you explain why your partner in conversation is a terrible person for not allowing you to go to that concert.
Also, in the Martyr delivery, the fag dies at the end and no one has to put up with him any more.
[edit] Remember
No matter how young, stupid, or wrong you are, that doesn't give anyone the right to disagree with you.
