Falkirk

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Yon article may be overly Scottish, no British. Ye shouldnae dae anyhin tae fix it.

The Falkirk Wheel: Retrieved from the Union Canal in 2002.

Visiting Falkirk is comparable to finding yourself up to your neck in junkies' vomit being forced to fellate a pig with herpes. It is located in central Scotland, somewhere between Glasgow and Edinburgh, although nobody really cares where. It is widely proud of its history as a shanty town, although it's best not to mention this as the locals can be overly proud on occasions. Unlike its prospering neighbour, Polmont, conditions in Falkirk are said to be very poor, resulting in daily fights against cold and hunger. The most notorious of these areas is Tamfourhill, where many dead bodies can be seen in the streets.

[edit] Falkirk and communism

The current dictator of Falkirk is David "the cunt licker" Alexander, affectionately referred to as the Dear Leader. He runs a totalitarian style dictatorship, leading the people to believe that the world revolves around the Falkirk Wheel. The people of Falkirk, also known as "Bairns", are expected to visit the wheel at least once in their life to bow to the wheel, and place flowers (usually dead) at the base of the wheel, in a sign of respect. Also unique to the town of Falkirk is the world's best stadium, complete with a full stand with cool lighting on it. Falkirk's main exports are crime, pollution and battered Mars Bars.

[edit] A Brief History of Slime

Falkirk is the last remnants of the Island of Atlantis that was moved to central Scotland by happy Pixies. The crazed inhabitants, long driven insane by orgies, idolatry and kitten huffing, interbred with hippies thus creating a new race of degenerates. It was the site of The Battle of the Falkirk Wheel, although none of the inhabitants really noticed because they were too busy indulging in masturbation and following the teachings of Goatse. They then discovered Christian fundamentalism.

[edit] The Tory Haven

Woodlands is an exclusive area of this well-known dump, affectionately known as the "Tory haven" and kept well away from the muck and slime of the rest of Falkirk. It is inhabited mainly by posh Thatcherites whose families owned all the Victorian factories and mills in this highly industrial area. Many of the households have many slaves.

The area has vastly higher-than-average instances of Bentleys, Jaguars, Telegraph subscriptions and Christian fundamentalists. Some helpful guidance to living la bonne vie in Woodlands:

• 1. Bow to a framed portrait of the Blessed Margaret Thatcher
• 2. Invite the Queen to Afternoon Tea
• 3. Extol the virtues of the Royal Family, the Church, the Tory party, a sound thrashing, and the Blessed Margaret Thatcher
• 4. Launch a legal action once every day
• 5. Bow to a framed portrait of the Blessed Margaret Thatcher
• 6. Join a wine club
• 7. Practise looking snooty and unamused, especially at the slime who insist on inhabiting the rest of the town
• 8. Bow to a framed portrait of the Blessed Margaret Thatcher

[edit] Notable Features

There aren't any. Seriously (apart from beeing the biggest sh!thole in the world). This towns' idea of entertainment is feeding the local pigeons LSD and throwing doughnuts at them. This isn't really all that entertaining, but don't tell the locals that.

[edit] UFOs

Back in the early 90s, locals in Falkirk and a small town called Bonnybridge reported seeing strange lights in the sky. This area became known as "The Falkirk Triangle", because triangles, such as the Bermuda Triangle are responsible for all the worlds weird phenomena. People visiting the area were regaled by the locals with a number of ridiculous theories. These included:

1. The sightings may have been related to alcohol consumption.
2. The sightings tended to coincide with the local Magic Mushroom season.
3. Making shit up about aliens is a great way for a small town to get itself international recognition and attract lots of visitors.

Experts visiting the area soon quashed such idle speculation with far more erudite and likely hypotheses. For Example:

1. "Zal-us" and the "Council of Nine" had an important message to give the world, and their chosen route was through Falkirk Town Council.
2. Bonnybridge was a "thin place" where this world is very close to another dimension or world. As opposed to Falkirk, which is a fat place due to the great profusion of pie and cake shops. This theory was put forward by a UFO lecturer Malcolm Robinson, and he should know, 'cause he's a respected Scientist who does STUFF, with SCIENCE!
3. A Wizard did it.
4. Magic flying monsters made from poo

The UFOs were later found out to be new trains with working lights, as locals reported seeing three with lights followed by two white lights.

[edit] Industry

Most famous for its Christian fundamentalists, which are exported around the globe. It is also Scotland's primary source of geeks, katanas, insanity and tribbles, and its kittens are said to be amongst the most potent in the land.

[edit] Famous People

• Cthulhu is rumoured to have a holiday home somewhere in the town.
• It is rumoured to be home to the headquarters of an alliance dedicated to rising up against the evils of Joss Whedon, yay! Poo.
• East Stirling but not from Stirling FC's only fan also lives here.
• The poet Robert Burns once spent 8 minutes here eating some cheese.
• Paris Hilton arives every January (on an undisclosed day) and packs local "yellow snow" up her uterus as it is known to cause [{sterility}]. The locals refer to this annual event as "good common sense" and preclude the event with a bellyfull of transmission fluid and a fierce bout of incest.
• Natalie Kerr, you all know who she is......the little one!!
• Of all the interesting locals that can be found dwelling in this little hobbit style town. A travelling soothsayer, one Dr. Ever can be sometimes found preaching to the locals when in town. She is currently trying to prove her current theory of the existence of Dinosaurs in Ayrshire. However these have been widely discredited by the masses as people have never seen a dinosaur before in Falkirk nor has there been mention of one since records began in their town, which only date back till 24 May 2002 (Rest of UK calendar time) when their "God" (The Falkirk Wheel) appeared before them. Its also common belief in the town of Falkirk that the "World" is only 10 miles long by 6 miles wide, many live in fear of venturing beyond their borders for fear of losing their souls if they leave the protection of their god. As the soothsayer travels to Falkirk from beyond the edge of their "world" many see her as in league with the devil.

However a film crew who have been studying this hobbit town for an up coming BBC documentary which they are currently trying to find the missing link in evolution between Man and Ape, have been frantically taking notes on this sub species of man. Noticeable of which is that they all have very hairy feet and that their "god" is working under a false name. Its not really in Falkirk, nor is it a wheel. Its in Camelon and has a cam shaft like appearance. So the locals name for their god is wrong on both accounts.