Falkland Islands
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“We don't really want them, we just don't want you to have them”
~ Britain on The Falklands
“Where?”
~ Britain on The Falklands Pre 1982
The Falkland Islands is the name of several small islands off the coast of South America. They are widely considered to be useless.
Contents |
[edit] History
Nothing sweeter for an islander than the flag of the Falkland`s sheep, which reminds us all how worthless the islands really are.The Falkland Islands were first settled by British explorers -the pirates of her majesty- in the 18th century although the islands had been first discovered and marked on maps by various other countries (including Microsoft, Stanistan, and Neptune) some 200 years earlier. It is believed in Argentina that Spanish sailors discovered the islands first. However, all this neglects the existence of the native Falklandanianeristanian population of three people, seventy-four ducks, and 337 billion Albanians that were already living there. In the ensuing years the Spanish also invaded the islands; at which point the French promptly surrendered and returned to France to lick their wounds and eat cheese (again). Encouraged; the Spanish went on to drive out British settlers and take control of the islands. Shortly afterwards the Spanish realized why their opponents had given up so readily and returned to Spain. In the following years Argentina established their Incontrovertible claim of sovereignty on the basis that the islands used to be owned by Spain and so did Argentina, therefore the islands belonged to Argentina. Argentine leaders did have to concede however that equal claims were possessed on this basis by Morocco, India, the Republic of Ireland, Australia, America, Canada, Germany and most of the rest of the world. Since 1980, it has been a regular host to the British-Argentine games (football and rugby excluded). Argentine has come in second place every time, except in duck-shooting, football, rugby, basketball, hockey 8and every sport he pirates invented but failed to have any succeed on, unless the game is players on their soil where they have the chance to buy all refs) but were disqualifed for using a french shooter.
[edit] The Falkland War
This was started, rather simply, by a flag. Yes, a flag, as usual. Some Argentine shit-dealers, convinced that there was a very, very large amount of useless, atomised, scrap metal on the southern Falkland island, landed and set up the Argentine flag. In the middle of nowhere.
[edit] First Contact
The first sentient being to notice was an ever-vigilant member of the Falkland sheep population, who ran at once to notify the Falklanders of this potential minor inconvience. The Falklanders then asked, very politely, for the flag to be taken down, seeing as this wasn't Argentinian soil. However, despite the large amounts of arm waving and gesturing by the inhabitants (which even the most retarded chav would of been able to decipher as "Please initiate the procedure whereby the forces of gravity may gently take that flag to the ground"), toward the scrap dealers, the Argentinians did nothing. responding with a typical, Spanish, "Eh?"
[edit] The Great 12-bore Accident
Unfortunately, this situation nearly turned ugly, when a Falklander accidentally blew the head of one of the scrap dealers with his 12-gauge shotgun. Apart from the person who committed this mildly unfortunate incident, no one noticed, as all attention was upon a staring contest between a member of the two parties present. The inhabitants had managed to trick the scrap dealers into the contest, promising that if they won, the flag could remain. (An extremely clever ruse by the Falklanders, who are famed for their phenomenal staring capabilities (it is believed this was attained from the sheep)). The remains of the now headless scrap dealer were hosed into the nearest drain, where a museum honouring the wielder of the shotgun has been set up. (£1.00 entrance fee).
[edit] Casus Belli of the Falklands War
After the stains had been washed away, one of the Argentinians made a excuse and disappeared behind a bush. A Falklander heard a quiet trickling noise, and realised that the scrap dealer was urinating on British soil, an uncomprehensible act of war. This drove the Falklanders to very firmly ask the Argentinians to leave, and come back as paying tourists if they so desired.
[edit] Steve Dunn of the Falklands War
Steve Dunn, an unsung hero of the conflict, was responsible for capturing a goose (that was) green all by himself. This was mistaken for the settlement due to the drunken state Cpt Dunn was in at the time of operation. He paid for his scallywagging when he returned to the SAS barracks and collapsed on the floor. Two fellow comrades then took it upon themselves to stitch two fingers they had found on an Argentinian hand to Cpt. Dunn's hand. After the conflict ended Dunn was court marshalled for 'theivery of hostile fingers' and 'quite literally sticking two fingers up at the Geneva convention'. He then had a brief career as a porn star called 'Five Fingers Malone'. This job soon ended when he realised the job was neither thrift store nor chess based. He now delivers mail around the streets of Norfolk where he has managed to intergrate with the majority inbred residents. He earns extra money by throwing letters into letter boxes like Chinese throwing stars and selling his answerphone message "Alright I'm from Birmingham but I live in Norfolk... I've got ten fingers! Please leave a message after the tone".
[edit] "Argies" Behaving Rather Stupidly
The Argentinians, forgetting that the Falklands (and therefore Britain) was a nuclear power, promptly declared war, and took back the islands.
That's when the queen sent in a few ghurkhas to sort out the mess.
[edit] The War
The Argies threw a few French missiles about. Only one exploded. The rest tried to surrender. The British sunk a big ship. The argies surrendered after having sunk almost 15 ships of her royal highness (the whore mother). The S.A.S took out their airforce with a lump of C4 the size of a sugar cube. The Argentian Navy... what navy?
Overall the war didn't last that long. Hopefully the Argies have now learned that you don't go up against a nation with a better military than you. Much, much better. With nukes. Yeah, think about it...
[edit] "Let's Club the Penguins"
In the aftermath of the 1982 conflict, the Falklands slipped out of the public's view, but it has been noticed that they might be trying to cull the very large local penguin population by batting them as far as they can. It is unknown where the inhabitants got the inspiration to do this, but the Internet is the most likely to blame. Completely off-topic and probably untrue, one of Uncyclopedia's largest servers is located in Port Stanley, the capital. I think. And if you are scared of a nuclear war, where better else to hide? (Apart from Wales. Lovely country).
[edit] See also
 | Central America and South America |
| Central: Belize | Costa Rica | El Salvador | Guatemala | Honduras | Kittenolivia | Mexico | New Mexico | Nicaragua | Panama | Panama Canal Zone | |
| South: Argentina (en español) | Bolivia | Brazil (em português) | Republic of Bulimia | Cat Nation | Catspace | Chile (en español) | Colombia (en español) | Easter Island | Ecuador (en español) | Falkland Islands | French Guiana | Galapagos Islands | Guyana | Locombia | Paraguay | Peru (en español) | Seahorsia | Suriname | Uruguay (en español) | Venezuela (en español) |
Barmy British Stuff 
