Falklands War
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“Fucklands?! Sounds like a wicked place! Cancel my trip to Thailand!”
“I single-handedly liberated Port Stanley from the dastardly Argentine, taking bullets in the leg and shoulder and yet still throwing those greasy bastards over my shoulder and back into the sea yelling "This is a message from Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth the Second!!". I don't like to talk about the two Victoria Crosses I won and the twenty-foot, gilded, statue they erected of me on the islands. In a place that's hard to get to. Or find.”
~ Jeffrey Archer on some stuff that's worth taking with a pinch of salt
“Bloody Nazis again!”
~ A WWII veteran on the wrong war
| Falklands War | |||||||||
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
 An Argentinian bomber attacks the Royal Navy flagship. | |||||||||
| |||||||||
| Combatants | |||||||||
 United Kingdom |  Argentina | ||||||||
| Strength | |||||||||
| several hundred of "our boys" in khaki and pith helmets, lead by a few bowler hatted chaps sipping tea and playing cricket. | 16,000 Brave paperboys listening to Spanish punk rock. | ||||||||
| Casualties | |||||||||
| 10 killed, HMS Unsinkable sunk | 10,000 killed zero captured (Thatcher doesn't take prisoners). | ||||||||
The Falklands War, or the War of Argentina-getting-their-arse kicked, refers to the war between Argentina and the United Kingdom over some rocks with some sheep and people on them. These islands are called "The Falklands" but Argentina refers to them as the "Islas Malvinas" which means "not the Falklands" in Argentinianese.
Contents |
[edit] A Spot Of Bother In The Falklands
The Falklands War began when the Argentinian dictator, Generallissimo "Bastardo Fascisti" Galtiari wanted total control of the island's whiskey production. Obnubilated by the effects of alcohol, he sent-forth the might of the Argentine fleet to take the Falklands, having mistaken them for the West Coast of Scotland.
[edit] Blighty Responds
The then cruel dictator of Great Britain, Margaret Thatcher, decided to win back the islands to win the next election that she was due to have. To this end, a huge task force was raised and sent South. This task force consisted of many many ships carrying the cream of the British armed forces. The Parachute Regiment famed for their brave exploits at Arnhem, the Royal Marines, fresh from their recent kicking in the Falkland Islands, the Gurkhas, complete with cookery books and famed for being savage crackheads. All were placed on ships and sent to the Falklands. To complete the line up were several units of Guards, fresh from marching up and down outside of Buckingham Palace, and all 65 members of the SAS Regiment complete in black blaclavas.
Luckily the tropical islands proved to be a grand moral boost, and Captain Birdseye loaded his hull with the finest hookers, brandy and "100 of your finest horses" that the far east could provide. And set sail for the real enemy with his newfound ladyboy task force.
[edit] Johnny-Fascist Tucks His Tail Between His Legs
In a stroke of genius and seeing what he was up against, the leader of Argentina, "General" Galtiari withdrew his crack troops from the islands and replaced them with 15,000 teenage paper boys in green shirts. Surprisingly, this failed to deter the British Gurkha troops who were able to recover the islands in double quick time, enduring a mere loss of 10 men to both Argentine defences and a malicious mailbox uprising. The British forces overall however achieved a close victory. The 70 year old Argentinian Aircraft technology coupled with the professional Argentinian troops were able to sink 75% of the British Flotilla with nothing but an 80 year old Ironclad torpedo and a pair of rubber bands. A spectacle that can only be compared to the ludicrous Ewok victory over the British Redcoats and their 18th century Death Star in 1787 (It was the King's Best regiment for Christ's sake!)
The Falklands islands did actually have their own part-time militia set-up before the invasion. Unfortunately, members of this organisation were all bumpkins, alcoholics and in-breds, and didn't even wake-up in time. The role of the clandestine resistance in The Falklands War is often overlooked, and the 2000-odd members hampered the movements of supplies to the Argentinian Special Forces(sic). Admittedly, all of the members of the resistance were sheep.
[edit] A Triumph Of British Spunk
The result was that "Mr" Galtieri lost the next election and Mrs Thatcher was crowned Queen of the Falkland Islands and ruled Britain forever (for eternal disgrace of all the British).
The thousands of unexploded landmines left over since the conflict thus led to the islands becoming the South Atlantic`s premiere penguin santuary (tiny penguins can't detonate antipersonel mines).
[edit] Conspiracies
Some believe the war for the islands was encouraged by the powerful British Sheep Farming Lobby, wanting to affect the international price of British mutton. Some people claim the Royal Navy and British Army wanted to save cash and the war was a cheap way of decommissioning HMS Sheffield and cutting back on 300 soldiers. Others believe Britain was bored of punch-ups outside the chippy on a Friday night and needed something new to kick. Why not find out more about these conspiracies by going to YouTube and searching for "falklands", "war" and "conspiracy" to see some five-minute videos narrated by a seventeen-year-old with a DVD boxset of The X-Files on his shelf? Alternatively, get a grip.
