Radiation
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“That's heavy.”
~ Water on glowing liquid
Radiation is glowy stuff that comes off bombs and uranium and stuff. It is an excellent example of why environmentalists don't know what they're talking about. These tree-hugging freaks seem to think that radiation is somehow bad for you, when everyone knows that it gives you super-powers.
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[edit] Types of Radiation
[edit] Gamma Radiation
Gamma radiation is made by placing unstable atoms between the pages of a heavy dictionary until they become cooperative and compliant. As soon as their power enters your body, your DNA will mutate, giving you gamma-powered strength whenever you are angry. Then, if somebody is being rude to you, you will never need to lift a middle finger again because your gamma vision will enable you to turn the tailgating assailant into a puddle of goo with one glance into the rearview mirror. Signs of the prescence of this type of radiation (as shown above) are green-ness, as any self-respecting physicist (see footnote) will tell you, because the reason things are green is that the gamma radiation given off, when it enters your eye, is at a very high energy, that is to say a little hyper. It consequently stimulates your retina (not that way, you sick minded person) causing your brain to register the radiation as what we call green. Consequently anything 'green' (grass, army stuff, etc) is not in fact 'green', but giving off gamma radiation. This can be proved simply by waving a clicky thing over any 'green' object.
- Note: If you ask your physics TEACHER about this phenomenon, (s)he is likely to lie to you, as this fantastically high level physics is most likely not on your teaching syllabus.
[edit] Microwaves
These are great! They're used to make ovens work really quickly. This way, you can cook your frozen dinner-for-one much faster, allowing you more time to ponder your lonely, pointless existence. Also, they're better than gas ovens, because if you get too depressed, you won't be able to kill yourself with one. This is just as well; your ex-wife won't really be upset if you kill yourself, you know. Just vaguely relieved.
[edit] Ionizing radiation
Pft! Ion energy is totally for hippies. It was also used by Baron Zemo to turn Simon Williams into Wonder Man, but Wonder Man sucks. Remember that time your ex called you 'Simon' in bed, and then said that she always thought of you as her Wonder Man, and you believed her? Still hurts, doesn't it?
[edit] TCP/IP Radiation
The most dangerous type of radiation, the Internet is the primary source of this radiation. It's probably beaming right through you right now. Cellphones, computers, some portable gaming systems and even household items emit TCP/IP radiation. Prolongend exposure could lead to severe geekiness and possibly impotence. Avoid TCP/IP radiation whenever possible!
[edit] Gravity
Yeah! If you had enough of this, you could build a gravity ray to crush your enemies, or cause the moon to crash into the Earth. Maybe then that girl in accounting would notice you, instead of hanging around with that dick, Brad.
[edit] Terahertz Radiation
No one knows what this does.
[edit] Radio radiation
"Radio is a sound salvation, radio is a-cleanin' up the nation." - Elvis Costello. There is AM and FM radio radiation. AM means amplitude modulation, which is an abbreviation for the volume knob on the radio. FM is frequency modulation, that is, the other knob where you can select channels. This is especially effective when the on/off switch is in the "on" position and either the plug is securely plugged in or the batteries are in place correctly.
[edit] M Radiation
Recently discovered by scientists at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology Institute ("MITI"), M Radiation has been identified as that band of the visual spectrum revealed in the pale purple haze first described by self-styled astronomer Jimi Hendrix in 1968. M Radiation has been linked to global warming, Northern Lights, refractory lighting phenomena caused by disturbances in neutrino rotational "wobbles," and the the likely mass extinction event expected to wipe out mammalian life on earth by the year 2012.
[edit] Chekov Radiation
- see Chekov Radiation
[edit] How to counteract the effects of deadly radiation
A one-inch thick piece of plywood should be sufficient protection against radiation.
Try to absorb as much of the radiation as possible with your groin region.
After 5 minutes and 12 seconds, however, you may become sterile.
If you've become a radiation mutant with a deformed hand, remember to close the window.
No one wants to see that shit.
After exposure to radiation it is important to consider that you
may have mutated to gigantic dimensions: watch your head.
If your building collapses, grab your cock to stay warm, if thirsty...(you know what to do)
If you are trapped under falling debris, conserve oxygen by not farting.
[edit] Conclusion
Radiation may be dangerous, but it is easily cool enough to make up for this. Also, you're never going to get that promotion, and you know it.
