Family Feud
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
The Family Feud was a multi-generational conflict fought between two neighboring communities in the terrible depths of the Deep Ozarks of Pennsyltucky.
Contents |
[edit] Origin of the Conflict
In 1803, an impovershed family of ethnic Hatfields, having just immigrated themselves from the living hell that was once medieval Luxembourg, settled on the steep plains of the untamed Pennsyltuckian wilderness and just wanted to live a quiet and peaceful life amongst the all-natural wonders of Nature itself. Suddenly, during a dark and stormy night, a shot rang out! Preliminary forensic evidence indicated that the bullet came from a loaded gun, which was in the hands of a young lad from a neighboring settlement controlled by a clan of ethnic McCoys. The youngster in question, Wyoming "Gunther" McCoy, was quickly captured, disarmed, strip-searched, and interrogated by Cletus Delroy Hatfield, the duly-elected hereditary Sheriff of Hatfield at the time. After inadvertently revealed his life-long desire to wear fancy dresses and wipe out the international plague of Hatfields from the face of the earth, Gunther pulled out another firearm, shot the sheriff, and managed to escape relatively unscathed and naked into the waiting arms of his distraught family, shortly before being blasted to smithereens by a large contingent of heavily-armed Hatfield stormtroopers. And thus the conflict was originated.
[edit] Preparations for War
Seeing themselves at a potential disadvantage, the McCoys undertook a crash scientific program of intensive inbreeding to enhance their meagre gene pool with many bizarre mutations such as growing eyes on the sides of their heads, an extra 17 legs, a propensity to believe weak creationist arguments, and longer beards. Meanwhile, the Hatfields acquired phasers and antimatter bombs and advanced nanotechnology from the future and built mighty steel fortresses all over the steep plains of the Pennsyltuckian wilderness, some of which remain standing to this day.
[edit] Escalation
Hostilities reached a crescendo in 1937 when billions of cloned McCoy monstrosities launched a successful invasion deep into Hatfield territory and captured all two of the Hatfield family's virgin daughters, holding them for a ransom of $1,000,000 (approximately $17.4 billion adjusted for inflation). However, it turned out that one of the girls was rigged with high explosives (which unexpectedly exploded later that year), and the other was carrying the dreaded avian flu virus in a small capsule which was lodged deep inside her left nostril (which unexpectedly exploded when she inadvertently sneezed).
The unending war betwixt the Hatfieldites and the McCoyeans raged on for so many blood-soaked centuries that the participants had totally forgotten exactly what the heck they were fighting about. As this realization of forgetfulness slowly dawned on them, they were beginning to feel that perhaps things may have gotten just a tad out of hand.
[edit] Peace Settlements
Thus it was decided in 1953 that the Hatfieldeans and the McCoyites would settle their remaining differences in a live televised debate moderated by Richard Dawson (a British Canadian who had only recently escaped from a prisoner-of-war camp in East Germany). Even though the debating sk1llz of the rival inbred families were not particularly l33t according to a hastily-arranged Gallup poll of typical American viewers, the Hatfields scored a decisive victory when the McCoys failed to name three things that domesticated pigs enjoy rubbing themselves against. All the while, the viewers thought it was just Sweeps week on a game show.
[edit] Aftermath
Today, the Hatfields and the McCoys are at peace, having gladly accepted the joys of a larger and more diverse gene pool that mutual interbreeding provides. However, walking among the smoldering ruins of that once glorious Pennsyltuckian homeland, it is hard not to recall that fateful and historic moment many many years ago, when suddenly, during a dark and stormy night, a shot rang out, without shedding a bitter bitter tear over the depraved inhumanity unleashed by the horror of feudalistic warfare. The horror... the horror...
There have been other fights like this between rivaling neighbors. The most notible one would be the Turners vs. the Dinkleburgs. The battle started in 1988 and lasted for 7 years. This fight was also fought out on TV, but Richard Dawson was too old to moderate, so they got a man from Ohio by the name of Ray Combs to judge. He became very popular, but Richard Dawson was pissed that everyone had forgotten about him. So he brainwashed everyone into thinking that Combs was a mix between a Klingon and a Grue. Combs was so upset that he went insane and hung himself in a closet. There have been no telivised Family Feud events worth watching since then.
