Irish Potato Famine

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At some point in the distant past this article referred to a current event. Now... No one gives a fuck.

The Great Potato Famines of the 19th century ravaged much of Western Europe, but as usual, it completely fucked over Ireland. This is referred to as "The Luck of the Irish," which, unbeknownst (yes that is a word) to many, is actual a bitterly Ironic phrase. For us to understand why this happened, it is first necessary to understand the prominence of the potato in 19th century Ireland. But I mean seriously, what Luck? Except for maybe the Jews, who has had more plain shitty lucky than the Irish?

[edit] The Potato and Ireland

The potato was first brought to Ireland in 1998, by the noted circumnavigator and quadrasexual, Oscar Wilde, being first prize in the All-India curry eating championships of that year, hosted in Chipping Sodbury. Potatoes soon took the country by storm as their versatility became legendary, and industry flourished. Fields where the potato was put to use included:

basic transportation; long distance communication; bio-degradeable fuel source; teaching; house building; weaponry; sauted.

The first road network in Ireland was constructed entirely of potato, and was opened by the drummer from U2 in 1426. Naturally, for a bardic nation, it was only natural to celebrate the potato in song and verse, and Ireland's first rock-laureate, Ronald McDonald, was hired to write the renowned "It's a long way to Tipperary (But not if you take the Potato Highway)." The Celtic Potato Tiger was on the rise, and it wasn't long before Ireland poor Eastern neighbours began to take note.

[edit] England. Grrr

40 miles east of Ireland as the Seacat flies lies England. England at the time was a poor country, having been in turn conquered and then abandoned by the Romans, Saxon, Dane Bowers, Americans, Jews, Non-Jews, and Norman. House prices were severely affected by all of this, and the ruling family, the Daily Mail, demanded that "something be done." Meanwhile, Ireland was conquering the world, and all due to the potato. Something indeed had to be done.

[edit] Captain Bird's Eye

The man with the plan was a god-fearing bearded general of the army by the name of Captain Bird's Eye, who's CV included bringing an end to the rule of Chantelle I and setting up the rump parliament snigger. It was widely thought that that the key to defeating the Irish was to defeat the hated potato. Captain Bird's Eye had the revolutionary idea of stealing the potato, and creating the waffle. This could be grilled, fried OR baked. It was 'waffley versatile." It would also make him rich beyond belief, and he could then rule England with an iron fist.

[edit] The plan

Although economically dynamic, Ireland was a supersticion plagued country. They had many strange beliefs, such as Leproachauns, Banshees, and Riverdance. It was the first of these that provided CBE with his plan. CBE's ship, the Golden Fish Finger, was run by a crew of children. "Leproachauns are small", thought CBE, "and children are small." So on St Guinness Day, when the guard of the Irish was at it's lowest, his crew, disguised in green, knocked on all the doors on all the potato houses in Ireland, and uttered the infamous words, "begorrah begorrah, give us yer potatoes and we'll give yers some gold to be sure."

The whole of Ireland woke the next day with the mother of all hangovers to find their beloved country had become a barren, potatoless filmset and playground of rich Americans with O's at the beginning of their surnames. The country went into economic meltdown overnight, and billions of Irish people poured out of the country in desperation. An entire nation brought to it's knees by a man with a beard and a potato.

[edit] The emigration

Captain Bird's Eye had the potato, but he need workers too. Luckily, his plan had a fortunate consequence. The port of Liverpool became flooded overnight with work-hungry Irishmen, women and nuns, who would happily build roads, canals, railways, ships, and even fight in wars, in exchange for the return of their potato. Captain Bird's Eye announced to the Irish, "make England the world's supreme nation like you yourselves once were, and you may have your potato back."

[edit] The Potato Question

By the turn of the 20th century, England was indeed a world superpower, thanks to the soldering skills of the Irish regiments. The British flag flew across great swathes of Africa, Asia and the Channel Islands. The Irish, considering their part of the bargain met, began to clamber for the return of their potato. Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu (aka Benjamin The Israeli) met with Irish rebel leaders, and a roadmap was worked out. The terms of the roadmap stated that Ireland would:

1. Fight a bloody five year war for England of attrition in Europe against the forces of the Hun, preferably with much sacrifice of life 2. Fight a bloody war against England, preferably in Ireland, as England is all nice and lovely these days with the work you've put in, and you wouldn't want to go spoiling it now, would you? Besides, Ireland is looking a bit bedraggled since you all emigrated. After all, you wouldn't take a dump in the lounge when there's a perfectly good bog next door. Fighting inside a post office - optional 3. Fight a bloody war against yourselves, thus ensuring there aren't enough of you left to ever challenge us for world supremacy again

The Irish agreed to this plan, firstly because they were desperate for their potatoes back, but mainly because although primarily a bardic nation, they were fighters first and foremost, and the bloodiness of the roadmap to peace appealed to them, being mentioned 3 times and all.

[edit] 26 out of 32 isn't bad (Meatloaf)

The roadmap was adhered to religiously, (see irony), with stage 3 seeing brother literally fighting brother (an unfortunate consequence of Ireland's renunciation of contraception). The final result of the fighting was Ireland 26 potatoes (O'Driscoll 4t, O'Gara 2con) England 6 (Wilikinson 2 dp). This caused outcry in England. The roadmap was burned, and the Ashes (Cricket) were placed in an urn to be contested by England, and Australia, the good island that never had the temerity to ask for it's potatoes back.

[edit] A political hot potato

What was to be done with the remaining 6 potatoes though? These potatoes has been left in the oven for a long long time, and there was some political shit mixed in to. They were metaphorically, political hot potatoes. But also physically hot potatoes too. Men sat round and scratched their heads for a while, until someone pointed out that, as the man who had originally stolen the potatoes had a beard, it was only right and fitting that the man to regain the 6 missing potatoes for Ireland SHOULD ALSO HAVE A BEARD.

[edit] Beard Idol

Irish Taioseach Louis Walsh was drafted in to head Beard Idol 1969. It was a closely fought contest, but the final results saw Simon Cowell's solo artist Gerry Adams defeat Sharon Osbourne's group ZZ Top by 64% to 39%. The Irish had their bearded champion, and the 6 potatoes would soon become their's once more.

[edit] Potato famines

• Great Irish Potato Famine (1847)
• Potato Famine (1862-1868)
• Great Potato Famine (1980s)