Fan fiction
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“The commas, my god, the commas!”
~ Oscar Wilde on Fan fictionTemplate:James at War
First, there were written languages, then there were stories, then there were fans, then, finally, there was fan fiction. Fan fiction is exactly what it sounds like. It is the term given to stories that are written by people who may or may not be uncreative enough to think of their own plots. The backstory and characters of fanfics are all ripped from other books, TV shows, movies, Martha Stewart, pro-wrestling, anime, and video games. The practice was first recorded centuries ago when someone decided that it would be a good idea to write a sequel to Homer’s "The Illiad". The name of the writer (who penned his work "The Odyssey") has been lost to the stinging sands of time, but Homer, after a round of beer, thought the mystery author's style sounded a lot better than his usual repeating of the phrase "Mmmm, [insert item here]". So he rewrote "The Illiad" to the best of his ability and took the credit for "The Odyssey". At least, that’s what my English teacher told me.
The need for a culling of the sort of people who write fan fiction is a common point of disscusion in regimes around the world. However, such an attempt would probably prove futile, as fan fiction is inherent to humanity, the dark side of the writing force, rumored to be under the control of Oprah herself, infinitely compelling to the pathetic virgins who write it. It's a well known fact that fan fiction writers are plotting to take over the world, using a Death Star, a patently self contradictory time travel plot, the one very special ring and a free set of steak knives. They hope this will become possible by the damage to the fabric of space time that is caused by the use of crossover fan fiction. They have already decided on a queen, and her consort, Mary Sue and Gary Stu, who will rule us forever with their sickening virtue and total mastery of everything from military strategy, to the Force, to the wielding of steak knives.
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[edit] Types of Fan Fiction
Fan fiction comes in a wide assortment of flavors. It’s not as wide as say, the number of flavors of jelly beans, but it is wider than a normal pack of Skittles.
Continuations - Sometimes a writer will either get lazy or bored with an idea, end it quickly and move on. That, or someone reading a book will hate the ending because something they wanted to happen didn’t. So people write these. They’re sequels.
Romance - This type makes up roughly 80% of all the fan fiction ever written. This is because most fanfic writers are 13 year old girls and their hormones kind of get in the way of rational thinking at that age. This type of fanfic also occurs when a pairing that they think should have been in the media they write for isn’t included. J.K. Rowling can verify that this happens since a lot of people feel the need to email her threatening to stop writing her books because she didn’t put their favorite character pairing in them. To which she can only laugh and keep not including these pairings just to annoy them.
Yaoi - Is a term used among the fan fiction world meaning that fic is about a romance (but mostly just sex) between two guys. It is called this because, to most fanfic authors, all Japanese terms are superior to English terms. Yaoi means “HARDER BETTER FASTER STRONGER” in Japanese (the connection with the Daft Punk song is disputed). Usually, yaoi is about two men who have sex for no reason at all. Mostly straight females and gay men (and usually other people as well but they can't admit it)write yaoi fics. The internet is crawling with yaoi fanfics. Unfortunately, they’re usually written by people who have never had sex, and likely never will. Research conducted at the Cambridge Department of Fandoms has concluded that 82% of romance fan fictions are yaoi or slash. 75% of that is about twelve year old boys buttsecksing each other up. Pregnancy ensues.
Yuri - See link. Again, to a lot of fan fiction authors, English is an inferior language compared to the complex majesty that is Japanese. (In fact, I’m ashamed of myself right now for knowing English.) Yuri is Japanese for “big fat hairy vodka drinking lesbian with a beard” by the way. They’re not as common as yaoi. Sorry, guys. Fortunately, like yaoi, this is also usually written by people who haven’t had sex.
ZADR - See main article
Het - Heterosexual porn. The people who would normally write this just search the internet for pre-made porn. Het means “Barbra Streisand” in Japanese, not an abbreviation of heterosexual as once thought. Very fortunately, like the above, this is written by people who haven't had sex.
Slash - Slash, not to be confused with the Guns and Roses Guitarist, is yet another name for the numerous same-sex pairings in fanfictions. Slash originated from female Trekkies using the abbreviation for the pairing for Kirk/Spock. Slash has exploded since the release of the Harry Potter series, since J.K. Rowling wrote in many opportunities for such pairings to occur. These include making same-sex dormitories in the Hogwarts' houses and writing in multitudes of sexual innuendos that can be taken out of context only to be used by 14-year-old girls who are fascinated by gay sex. "But whether James really did take off Snape's pants, Harry never found out." -Order of the Phoenix.
Humor - If you’re lucky, you’ll find a good humor fanfic. Humor fics are most often parodies of other fan fictions so that only a small percentage of people think humor fics are actually funny. But chances are, it’ll just be sugar high humor. British humor fanfics are a myth.
Sugar High Humor - They're kind of like AAAAAAAAA, only not as good. These stories may or may not take items from the list of the funniest words in the English language. A short sample of this list being:
- Banana (Just two na’s will do and there’s no need to spell it out.)
- George W. Bush (Howard Dean if you’re a Republican, Henry VIII if you’re British, Will Smith if you’re one of those Black People)
- Panic
As you can see, many of these words are food. They do not have to be used in a sexual manner. In fact, it’s funnier if it’s not.
Mary Sue - Good if you want to have sex with your favorite character. Be warned that if you tell an author that there's an error in it to her face, you will be haunted by the vengeance of her and her friends. This is accompanied by a sudden spike in the amount of emails you get in your inbox saying that you’re “teh stoopid” and you need to “keel urself!!!!1111one”. (I know. One of my good friends disappeared the day after he commented on a story. I went over to his house and there was a black hole in the middle of the room.) They also don’t want you reading their story if you don’t like it. Mary Sues have also been known to show up in the other types.
Self-Insertion- Contrary to popular belief this term is not a sexual position. Rather it is when fangirls write about their favorite characters only to have fall in love with and have sex with another character striking similar in personality to themselves. The only difference being the self-insert character is considerably more attractive than the author.
Disco Stu Character - A Mary Sue character in a Simpsons fanfic. Actually it's just plain old Disco Stu from the Simpsons.
Crossover - A crossover fic is one that has characters from multiple medias randomly come across each other's universe only to eventually have sex. Crossovers spawned from fangirls thinking it would be hot for Wolverine to have sex with Aragorn. Or worse, Final Fantasy characters having sex with Disney characters. This is how the wretchedly popular Kingdom Hearts game series came to pass. This term is generally misleading since the two medias involved don’t actually cross over each other.
Angst - These should have big yellow smiley faces put on them.
Weird Emo/Gothic/Angsty - This category of fan fics has become frightfully popular since the advent of my immortal, the freaky gothic/emo/angsty fanfic. In this category of fanfics, everyone wears black lipstick and eyeliner etc. regardless of gender. Another feature is the complete lack of any grammar of any sort. For example: "ZOMG dat guyz so goffik and hottt!!!1111" This proves that most of the people who write these fics are indeed the sixteen year old girls. The reason why they make their favorite story book characters into wrist slitting, transsexual freaks is a mystery.
Ninja - You could be reading one right now and you wouldn't know it.
Fake - These are labeled as fan fiction, but upon closer inspection turn out to be readers letters to the official Nintendo magazine, cut out and pasted together in a crude fashion. Popular in 1999.
Lemon - See 'Het'
Lime - A milder version of 'Het'
[edit] Language of Fan-Fiction
Because fan-fic writers live on another planet, they use a completely different language to what we know. It is rumoured that they have their own dictionary of such terms, but that would just be stupid.
Fanon: These are things that are not true according to the show/writer/singer/anyone normal but to all 13 year old girls, is totally true. 'OMG LIK DRACO IZ A VEELA!!!!11!!'
Canon: This is when all the writers get pissed off and wiped out all the fan-fic writers... Unfortunately, they prove to be more resilient than we expected.
PWP: Plot-what-plot?! This applies to all fic you're going to read
[edit] An Excerpt
The following is an excerpted fan fiction:
Hogwarts Angst! Summary: [SELF INSERT] What happens when a rambunctious teenager gets thrown into the [CROSSOVER] Fullmetal Alchemist/Harry Potter world and Snape kills Dumbledore AND Maes Hughes? [EDXAL, ELRICEST] Hilarity ensues!
Chapter 1
The train pulles up to station 9 3/4, and Ed and Alphonse Elric jumped aboard! The two eyes each other hungrily and began groping each other. Suddenly, Harry Potter pulled open their cabin door and gasped. "What is all this tomfoolery?!" He cried. Ed and Al quickly extricate themselves from one another and shook Harry's hand. "We're new students, looking for the man who murder our beloved friend, Maes Hughes!" Harry shook his head. "Well, I know someone who's been murdered around here! Dumbledore! By none other than Snape!" The two brothers gasped collectedly as Harry sat down and described Snape as being pale and black haired. "A homoncoloss!" cried Al, his voice muffled by Ed's throbbing phallus. "We must investigate, bwatha!" then Snape kills Dumbledore
Further story can be read at Fanfiction.net
[edit] Why Harry Potter Fanfic can be abbreviated
Harry will die in the 7th book, it is definite. Being trapped in a children's book universe, we know that he will not have sex in the books. Therefore, he will die a virgin. That means we don't care what else happens.
[edit] Criticizing Fan Fiction
Bad fan fiction authors are criticized for being extremely aggressive and foaming at the mouth. This being said writing bad fan fiction is often confused with being infected with rabies as it is a physical reaction to the overestimation of one's writing abilities.
More relevantly, most sites that cater to fan fiction allow people to post messages about fan fiction, as well, which allow fans to criticize fan fiction to it's face. Unfortunately, the people who post replies to fan fiction are the kind of people who read fan fiction, and therefore the criticism might as well come from Bizzarro World. Observe:
- Ron would never say "thine"! OOC! OOC! OOC!
- That hardcore yaoi three-way between Harry, Snape, and the ghost of Abraham Lincoln was AWESOME!!!!!!!!!1111one1eleven11!!!112
- uR sUcH a NoOb. Ur StYlE oF wRiTiNg Is A fUcKiNg EyEsOrE. lOl!
- Y w45n'7 7h!5 570ry wr!773n !n 1337? U R A fuck!ng n006iiiii
- babba booey, babba booey, babba booey!!!!!
- YOU GODDAMN MOTHERFUCKING SON OF A HORSESHIT EATING BITCH!!!!! I WILL FUCKING KILL YOU FOR WRITHING THIS GODDAMN FUCKING FANFICTION!!!!! FUCKING KILL, YOU UNDERSTAND????? YOU FUCKING QUEER-ASSED PEICE OF SHIT, YOU ASS-RETARDED MOTHERFUCKER!!!!! GOD DAMN YOU TO HELL, GOD DAMN YOU TO HELL AND YOU DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! have a nice day. :-)
- i demands moer cat punchings!
[edit] Some Places Where You Can Find Fan Fiction
The Shoebox Project (Which is probably the most well written and coherent fanfiction in the history of the universe.)
Adult Fan Fiction (Not all of the stuff here is porn. So don’t come whining to me if you don’t find any.)
