Fatman
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“Watching a fat person trying to run and collapsing: Priceless”
~ MasterCard on Fat People
“He needs to lose weight, but if he does, he can no longer call himself fatman”
~ Captain Obvious on Fatman
“Nananananananana Fatman!Nananananananana Fatman!Fatman,Fatman, BATMAN! I mean Fatman”
~ Homer Simpson on Fatman
Fatman is a superhero in MC Comics. He is a parody of the more well known superhero Batman, and created as part of an insidious scheme by Ronald McDonald and The Burger King as a way of "counteracting those slim ideals constantly seen in the Batman comics".
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[edit] History of the comics
The Fatman comics was created when McDonald's, Burger King, Pepsi, Coca-Cola and many other ultra-capitalistic international junk food companies joined forces and decided that the heroes and villains in modern comics are way too slim and might deter people from buying their disgusting junk food. Therefore they created a propaganda strip called "Fatman", about a morbidly obese superhero based in Gluttony City and whose arch-enemy is the Jogger, a notorious health care promoter and dietitian gone mad who constantly tries to puts into motion new diabolic schemes to put the entire population of the city on a diet.
[edit] Gluttony City
Fatman lives just outside the flourishing metropolis Gluttony City, a happy city where there are at an average five dozen fast food restaurants per block, restaurants to which parents can take their beloved wee ones (who are anything but "wee" in Gluttony City, if you know what we mean) to the closest restaurant to eat XXXXXXXXXL-sized pizzas and quintuple-layered hamburgers with extra cheese, containing immeasurable amounts of calories and trans-fats while still, despite the staggering amount of calories, having the nutritional value of Styrofoam. Those meals normally include breakfast, brunch, elevenses, lunch, banquet, buffet, supper and some other city-specific meals, all with that obligatory sugar-rich desert that just melts in your mouth. The average Gluttonian eats about 14 000 calories per day and is always hungry despite spending nearly the whole day eating and drinking (always some sort of Cola). People in Gluttony City never works, but instead sit and eat junk food all day long.
The city is notorious for its alarming crime rate, as its citizens are constantly robbed while moving from one fast food restaurant to another. The citizens are generally too fat to run away from the criminals, and they always have lots of cash on them just to make sure that they can always afford that extra chocolate bar that can be so essential in ensuring that they can endure the long walk to the nearest fast food restaurant (which is often a whooping 50 meter away). The citizens of Gluttony City make sure to always get some exercise every day; thus they walk back and forth to the refrigerator at least 20 times per day. The average Gluttonian has five teeth left due to the massive amounts of cola they drink every day. Every dentist in town has long since fled the city in panic, as has the dietitians, with the exception of the insane Jogger. The plentiful amount of pizza restaurants across the city are all owned by Jabba the Hutt, while Ronald McDonald and The Burger King each own one half of the hamburger chains.
[edit] Biography
Fatman was born Jared Fogle on 29th February 1962, to a poor Texan family, though his parents died when he was young. Fatman's family were poor as a result of his never-ending appetite, and were killed when the family home was hit by a meteorite, which he only survived as a result of his great bulk. Scientists describe his survival being because, "for Jared it was more like being hit with a small pea rather than a meteorite. The fat bastard." It was the impact, and substances from the meteor, that gave Fatman his special powers.
Fatman's first action as a superhero was to save a baby from a burning bush, though Fatman proceeded by eating the baby, and was given an ASBO as a result. Fatman later encountered That Guy, who couldn't fit him into his time booth, and later came back with a bigger booth and took Fatman to 1932, teaching him a few things and getting him an apartment in Chicago. Due to his massive obesity, Fatman is legendary for his ability to snore at a decibel rate equaling a firing cannon, a whooping 140db or so! He sleeps in his Fatcave, as else his snoring would be heard all the way to Gluttony City.
By the age of 21 Fatman weighed in at a sweating 58 stone[1]. Fatman was very rarely seen out in public, and was always considered a hindrance at crime scenes because of his huge mass, and his appetite, and so was forced into early retirement. As a result of vicious taunting by small children Fatman fell into a deep depression, and for 3 months ate only Super-Subs, from Subway. Miraculously Fatman lost weight through eating Super-Subs and was shown in the Subway advert.
On the subject of his weightloss there have been many conspiracy theories, including divine intervention and liposuction. The theory most likely to be true though, is that Fatman fell down a well and was unable to climb out for three month, his superpower strength allowing him to survive without eating. As a result of being in the well and not being able to eat Fatman lost a lot of weight, and it was only when a Subway managing director happened to hear Fatman's moping in the well that he was saved. Together the two of them devised the unlikely 'sub-eating' story.
[edit] Rogues gallery
[edit] The Jogger
The Jogger is a supervillain, the anti-thesis to Fatman and a scourge to the obese population of Gluttony City. Originally one of the few dietitians in Gluttony City who hadn't fled in panic from the widespread morbid obesity of the city, he fell into a huge vat of mineral water. Discovering that the mineral water had miraculously turned him from a reasonably overweight person into a slim and muscular athlete, he went mad and vowed to rid the city of obesity and the multinational oligarchy behind it. He gained the power to run like hell and decided to brainwash the citizens of Gluttony City into running a jogging race across the city, but was thwarted by Fatman each time. He made a criminal career out of secretly switching people's hamburgers with vegan soy equivalents with whole grain hamburger bread and replacing cola with colored carbonated mineral water before Fatman decided that it was about enough of "all this health care bullshit". Fatman discovered to his dismay that the Jogger was secretly running a criminal underground chain of aerobic exercise gyms and was recruiting citizens from all around the city into his "new and healthier way". Fatman tried to run the Jogger over with his Fatmobile, but discovered that he was so heavy that the car could drive at the very most at 25 km/hour - the Jogger, being as athletic as he is, could simply run in circles around Fatman's Fatmobile, laughing as he ran.
[edit] Poison Ivy
Poison Ivy was Gluttony City's only activist for the (in Gluttony City) criminalized Greenpeace organization. One day she was bitten by a radioactive lettuce whilst visiting a neighboring city (there are no lettuce in Gluttony City, as they are deemed too healthy and low on calories) and was imbued with the power to manipulate plants. She quickly joined forces with the Jogger and helped him poison hamburgers and pizzas across the city by putting vegetables into them. She helped the Jogger organize his new nationwide gym chain empire and quickly made an enemy out of high ranking officials in the city's morbidly obese police force and politicians, all of which were bribed by McDonald's and Coca-Cola. She sowed the seed of her ultimate downfall when she tried to release a herd of a million cattle in a gigantic livestock farm outside Gluttony City to save them from being slaughtered and turned into hamburgers for the amusement of the Gluttonian citizens, as she was accidentally impaled by a raging bull while doing so. It should be noticed that despite being a vegan, Poison Ivy once tried to turn over a thousand innocent Gluttonians into Soylent Green.
[edit] Killer Carrot
Originally named Waylon Jones, the man who would become the supervillain Killer Carrot was one of Gluttony City's most avid meat eaters, but discovered to his horror that he suffered from the extremely rare condition known as Daucus syndrome[2], which causes him to gradually transform into the form of a semi-humanoid carrot. When he one day discovered that his condition had progressed so far that he was unable to as much as even eat meat, his mind snapped and he took the name "Killer Carrot", and from that point his philosophy became that if he cannot have meat, then neither should anyone else. Of course, this was no winning concept in Gluttony City, where the citizens eat the weight of 50 Himalayan mountains in meat each year. He has all the characteristics that you can expect of a humanoid carrot, such as superhuman strength, impenetrable skin, razorsharp teeth and healing factor. Like Poison Ivy, he began to target livestock farms and slaughterhouses and to release cattle and once freed all animals in the Glutton Zoo. However, this turn out to be a mistake as all the escaped animals were assaulted and eaten by the ever-hungry denizens of Gluttony City. He seemingly died when, after a fierce battle with Fatman, he got stuck under a combine harvester which apparently peeled of his orange skin as a peeler does to a true carrot.
[edit] Superpowers
Fatman has numerous powers including:
- Bear hug - Fatman embraces any opponent with a tight squeeze and can easily suffocate them
- Great regurgitation - Fatman showers any opponent with semi-digested food through regurgitation, prohibiting them from any action for a short-period of time
- Super eat - Fatman can eat any criminal
- Super burp - Fatman can, after swallowing a large amount of cola drinks, burp at a deafening level of 160 decibels, instantly breaking the eardrums of any criminal. However, this also break his own eardrums as well as those of other people around him, not to mention every piece of glass across the city due to the cataclysmic shockwave of his superburps.
- Super weight - Fatman can sit on, and suffocate any villain.
- Donut gun - Fatman can knock any villain unconscious by firing smoking hot donuts at them, giving them third degree burns.
- Lightning Fart Fatman's farts have a super electrical charge which can strike down his opponents with one well aimed fart.
[edit] Fatman Interview
Fatman gave a rare interview to The Sun newspaper on 3rd April 2007. Fatman was quizzed on many personal matters, and in response to a question, claimed his greatest achievement was pitching his tent by himself on his Duke of Edinburgh's Award Bronze practice expedition, though he then had to sleep outside, as he could not fit in the tent, but used it instead to store his vast food supplies.
Within the interview Fatman admitted to having Jewish roots, and admitted he came out of retirement in 2001, for a brief period, to head al-Qaeda's Jewish wing and collaborated with Osama bin Laden himself. Fatman also claimed to have no knowledge at the time of al-Qaeda's terrorist activities, claiming, "I thought I was running the kosher department of Mr bin Laden's i take away service."
Fatman also claimed to have had a passionate affair with Jennifer Aniston, whilst he was still married to Brad Pitt.
[edit] See Also
[edit] Notes
- ↑ Roughly equaling 368 kilograms or 812 pounds.
- ↑ It's so rare in fact that only one case has ever been recorded in the history of the universe, although the exact opposite thing has happened quite a few times in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.
