Wildean Calendar
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“Most modern calendars mar the sweet simplicity of our lives by reminding us that each day that passes is the anniversary of some perfectly uninteresting event.”
~ Oscar Wilde on calendars
The Wildean Calendar is comprised of the 13 months that Oscar Wilde collected and combined into our modern calendar. Wilde was assisted in his project by a group of trained chimps. To date it is still the only calendar developed in such a way.
[edit] Development of the Wildean Calendar
The Wildean Calendar was created by Oscar Wilde and his team of trained chimps in the year of our Lord, 2018.
[edit] Months of the Wildean Calendar
[edit] January
Main article: January
See also: List of January Anniversaries
Oscar Wilde made January the first month because it was his favorite. January was adored by the other months for his bravery and leadership skills. It was undoubtably the most popular month and everybody fought to sit next to him at lunch. January was also dating April, the prettiest month. However, there was a single month that didn't like January, November. November was jealous of all the attention January got.
After taking steroids and pumping iron, November got really, really buff. It thought he would be able to impress the other months with his muscles, and was infuriated when it discovered they didn't care and still adored January. In its rage, November killed the other months in what is now known as the Great Month Massacre of Sometime. (The date is unknown because the months responsible for tracking the dates were killed.)
January avenged its fallen brethren by killing November. After it killed November, it died of a broken heart.
[edit] February
Main article: February
See also: List of February Anniversaries
February is the shortest month of the year. He is very insecure about this and suffers from a Napoleon complex. To make him feel better, other months stoop to look shorter while he is around.
February won the right to be one day longer every four years against the month of March. Everybody thought February deserved it, because February was so insecure about being the shortest of the months. March lobbied hard though, because March felt insecure about being shorter than Long March. February won by default when it was discovered that March used a made-up source in the application process.
[edit] Janutober
Janutober, the coldest and incidentally most intelligent month, was originally observed during the Irish Potato Famine, because the month of Janutuber could no longer be celebrated. Janutober only exists in years ending with pi or non-prime numbers, but will occasionally appear in a prime numbered year to hit Janutuber over the head.
[edit] Febrewery
Febrewery is International Beer Appreciation Month. It was invented by beer companies after their customers complained that February was too hard to spell. Febrewery is on track to be the most beloved month of the year. During Febrewery it is happy hour everywhere, even in churches. People drink about twice as much as they normally do, except the Russians and Irish, because they already drink so damn much . During Febrewery, all beer magically becomes better tasting and less filling. Febrewery is scheduled to only be thirty days long, but it often lasts longer because people are too wasted to keep track of how many days its been.
[edit] Febutober
Febutober was recommended to Oscar Wilde by Bill Gates and a bunch of penguins in remembrance of the grand splendiduditude of 1927 and a failed Microsoft attempt to purchase of the entire month of Smarch. It is proposed that there would be 32 days in Febutober. Nobody agreed with Mr. Gates though, because it was agreed that 22 months is enough as it is.
Febutober is the first of the three months that make up the season of Octemspring.
[edit] Smarch
Main article: Smarch
Smarch is most known for its lousy weather. Appears on the Wildean calendar, some misprinted calendars, and in multiverse 15.
Smarch is the second of the three months which make up the season of Octemspring. This is the season in which for some unknown reason a group of pan-dimensional beings puts us all to sleep so that they have time to re-calibrate their monitoring equipment. It was first discovered by Ray Goerke in 1996 when he was playing a game of Risk and was complaining about the card trade-in system. "How the hell does that bastard get fourty armies out of nowhere!?!" It is of course impossible for forty armies to appear out of nowhere and so he was able to conclude that there must be some lost time in there somewhere.
The effects of this phenomenon can explain things like growth spurts and any other apparent loss of time.
The location, identities, and motives of these beings are still unknown. However, in a 1997 interview conducted with the members of Armageddon, Keith Relf revealed that Smarch did not exist prior to 1976 and had in fact been created to give the band time to put together their debut album.
[edit] Gaypril
Gaypril is the month where all people of the world are understanding and accepting of homosexuality, also often described as the month the rest of the world turns into San Francisco. For this reason, the slang term "San Franciscomonth" is also used to refer to Gaypril.
Gaypril is celebrated at Disneyworld in Orlando Florida during the first weekend in June each year. The celebrations mainly involve the thrill rides being slown down and warnings provided before intense moments, so that gays can ride the rides with worrying that they'll get too scared. (Those little girls.)
Gaypril is also the third of three months which make up the season of Octemspring.
[edit] Regular March
Main article: March
See also: List of March Anniversaries
March occurs roughly between Febrewery and April.
March has always had an inferiority complex stemming from how much shorter it is than Long March. For this reason March began lobbying against February to get the extra leap day every four years. March was a strong contender against February when March lost. It was discovered that March had used a made-up source in the application process and so February won by default. The scandal has since ruined March's career as a month.
[edit] Long March
The Long March is the 3rd month of last year, unfortunately, having 32 or even more days.
The Long March is doing dismally in popularity polls. Experts claim that people hate the Long March because it delays the arrival of April 1 by approximately two-hundred days.
[edit] April
Main article: April
See also: List of April Anniversaries
April originally contained 69 days, but due to jealousy from the other months (especially July and August). Wilde was forced to shorten it to just 30 days by the order of Emperor Darth Hadrian.
April is named after April Hunter, the Roman Goddess of swimwear. She was given the name because she is really hot and looks really sexy in a swimsuit.
April is going steady with January. They always talk about how they are in love and are frequently seen making-out in public. November is also secretly in love with April and so he hates January. He once killed April because he was so mad at her for dating January, but she has since been revived.
[edit] Wednesday
Main article: Wednesday
Wednesday is unique in that it is both the third day of the week and the fifth month if the year. it is some times forgotten because it is very timid, and does not stand up for him self, that is why it only has one day, which is always wednesday. Wednesday also had a short role in the movie "The Addam's Family". Since then, the other months of the year, and the days of the week, are jealous of Wednesday's stardome.
[edit] May
Main article: May
See also: List of May Anniversaries
May is a very mysterious month that hardly anyone knows anything about. Scientists are currently looking to find out more information about May, but don't expect their experiments to be ready for another 40 years.
[edit] June
Main article: June
See also: List of June Anniversaries
Oscar Wilde stole the month of June from the Augustan Calendar. He shortened the month, which he thought had been stretched too long, to just 31 days. Wilde also considered adding an extra u to the spelling of the month, but decided against it.
Wilde stole June and put it in his calendar because June is the albino twin of July, and when the two are reunited the unleash a power of awesome proportions that can keep a calendar together for eternity. June was born two minutes after July and so he is the younger of the pair. Two minutes may not seem like much to ordinary people, but to the twins it makes a world of difference. June is the subordinate to July and always takes orders from him.
[edit] July
Main article: July
See also: List of July Anniversaries
July is the albino twin of June, he is the older of the pair by two minutes and so he is "the boss". Wilde added July to his calendar in order to reunite the twins who had been separated since birth. He did so because the twins have magical powers when reunited that can hold a calendar together for eternity.
[edit] August
Main article: August
See also: List of August Anniversaries THe month of the great Gredgdjja, lalal Pig. Little is known of this event except for the licking of dorknobs.
[edit] September
Main article: September
See also: List of September Anniversaries
No one likes September. September doesn't even like September. This is because September is the month that all little wee ones must attend school for the first time in a few months. After spending time with the Albino twins in June and July, no one wants to see September.
[edit] Spocktober
A month which was added to the calendar in honor of legendary thespian Leonard Nimoy. The Spocktoberfest holiday is also named in his honor. Spocktoberfest begins on the Ides of Long March, and contains holy days such as Mithun Monday (the sixth Sunday of Long March) and Scotchtoberfest.
There will be a Spocktoberfest celebration in St. Louis, Missouri, United States of America, Planet Earth, Sol System, Milky Way Galaxy on 28 October 2006. See http://www.cyclepathz.org/spocktober.pdf and http://www.redbullsoapboxusa.com
Compare: Shatnernalia.
[edit] October
Main article: October
See also: List of October Anniversaries
October is a celebratory period frequently commemorated with drinking, death, and duct tape. Its name originates from the Octahedral Octopus, surveyor-god of early Mesopotamian cultures. In fact, original calendars marked this time as Octoctoctober. (The origin of the last "oct" is as yet unclear.)
Certain groups formed within the last ten years have spoken out against October and its surrounding festivities. The Society for Protective Janurics, for instance, has proposed that the entire span of October be combined with January time-keeping. Please consult local timing authorities for further details.
[edit] November
Main article: November
See also: List of November Anniversaries
November in the 1960's was a time when hippies controlled the media, rather than the Jews. The word itself, "November" is of Greek origins. Wilde created it by combining Nov, which means new, and ember, which translates to order. Thus hippy conspirators tried to make November 1960 seem like a progressive time in history, when, in fact, research has shown that Black People were terrorized and the prostitute population sank significantly.
After the 1960's, November's popularity dwindled considerably. The other months were racist, and so being the only black month was hard. November became extremely jealous of January for dating April, who November was also in love with. Hoping to impress April and become popular with the other months again, November started lifting weights and taking steroids. Nobody was impressed, however, and November's new, even more irate, personality due to his steroid use ended up making him even more unpopular.
In a fit of steroid-induced rage, November ended up killing a lot of the other months, among them April. Furious, January avenged his fallen friends by killing November. All the months were revived from death by Wilde at the end of the year because we needed them for next year.
[edit] Dismember or Dodecember
Main article: Dodecember
Another month stolen by Oscar Wilde, it was originally a month in the Vedic Calendar created by the people of the Indus River, otherwise known as Teddy Boys (recently accepted as Hindus) Dodecember was the month of throwing large oblong shaped objects violently at grandparents and anyone that used the word was more than once in a single sentence.
[edit] December
Main article: December
See also: List of December Anniversaries
December is cool. No really, its freezing. December sits alone because no one likes freezing their butt off, no matter how much December bribes them with presents and holidays. Usually they grab the presents and/or holidays and run.
[edit] Xtember
There is also little known month called Xtember. It occurs every x years, always between the xth and (x+1)th month, and lasts for x days. Very odd and unnatural things can occur in Xtember. The last recorded Xtember was in 18X7, where there were reports of flying bathtubs, talking cats, lightning striking pedestrians multiple times (in sunny weather), fax machines printing out a constant stream of x's, and Wikipedia being started.
Be prepared.
[edit] Months in 1927
1927 had to have a few special months made up for it because it was the best year ever. Naturally, Oscar Wilde was voted, unanimous, by the world to have the job of creating these new months. After working for six days and resting on the seventh, he had created seven new months especially for 1927.
[edit] Ultrajanuary
Ultrajanuary was a special month that only occurred in 1927.
It was distinguished from a Lesser January by a number of attributes, the most well-known of which is that it occurred in 1927.
[edit] Magnus
Magnus was the most barbaric month of 1927, always ending in the holiday: MAGNUS MASSACRE.
On MAGNUS MASSACRE no laws would apply and friends and families would often compete with others to the death.
[edit] Intensity
[edit] Great
Oscar Wilde originally intended to make it the best month of them all and it was for a time, he had the technology, but probably due to faulty programming it slowly degraded in intellegence and physical fitness until Oscar Wilde had to sadly deactivate his favourite Month, and fell into a deep depression until he worked through many sleepless nights to develop the month of of Golden. Great was the smartest, even more so than March, the strongest even more so than November, And just better than January. One theory why Great had his greatness disentegrated is that March was jealous of his intelligence, November was envious of his Strength, and January found out that April Was madly in love with him so the three months worked together to inconspicuously plant a virus in him which slowly destroyed Great's greatness.
[edit] Golden
A failed attempt by Oscar Wilde to replicate the greatness of Great. It failed because Haste makes Waste and oscar wilde rushed into development of Golden cutting corners everywhere. Golden was mostly made of copper due to costs.
[edit] Megajuly
The tastiest month of the year. The month to look at porn and the Daily Star.
[edit] Powermarch
Powermarch was the improved form of March developed by Oscar Wilde for the year 1927. Some of the improvements on March are the fact that Powermarch does not need to wear glasses, it is more athletic, and it doesn't have a girly capital M.
[edit] Nowvember
Nowvember is this month of the year. Nowvember always begins with its first day on Tuesday the 1st and ends with its thirty-second day on Friday the 31st.
[edit] Note
You may notice that we said at the beginning that there were 13 months, and then listed more than that. However, it's all in your head.
