Ferrari
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“Black Men can't drive Ferraris, PERIORD.”
~ Eddie Griffen
“If and have one of these, you for damn sure is getting laid”
“In today's world it is wise to invest in a Ferrari, that is if your under 6 inches LOL”
The Ferrari is, quite literally, the Ferrari of motor vehicles. Sleek, sexy and stylish, the Ferrari typically possesses all the qualities the owner does not.[1] Most Ferraris are also young, slim and unmarried.
The typical Ferrari owner is the upper-class, middle-aged, soulless cunt who needs a vehicle capable of travelling 14x the legal speed limit and consuming vast amounts of fuel from his own oil giant to do so. A recent survey concludes that the bigger the Ferrari the smaller is its owners penis will be. Driving a Ferrari involves a well timed burst of acceleration which, if performed correctly, will get to the next service station. Once this burst is over, the fuel tank will be empty. Fortunately, the driver's seat can detach from the main body of the vehicle and be driven independently on eight small wheels. The Ferrari owner can collect more fuel and return to his abandoned ride.
The main purpose of the Ferrari is not transportation; this has been designed as a secondary feature. The main purpose is to "pull chicks", drawing all manner of young avians toward the device; or, in secondary mode, attract neighbourhood cats by activating the integral "pussy magnet". Environmentalists want to see Ferrari's manufacturer, "East Cheam Tooling and Motors", incorporate a ramscoop to funnel the birds and cats in and use them as fuel. The idea is being considered.
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[edit] Features
Ferraris are well known for putting a lot of useless buttons into their cars. Chief among which are:
- Traction Control - Contrary to popular belief, this feature actually 'controls' traction by making sure you have as little of it as possible at any given time. See image above for clarification.
- Snow Mode - Adjusts your car for driving on slippery surfaces. Specifically, it makes it drive like it's always on a slippery surface. It is not to be confused with Traction Control which makes sure you have no Traction, it makes it FEEL like theres no traction, get those differences straight.
- Launch Control - Used by people who don't understand that the brake and gas pedals are NOT things to be depressed at the same time, it assists traction control by helping you to spin out as quickly as possible.
- Climate Control - Not used to maintain internal temperature, it actually adjusts the amount of greenhouse gases in the exhaust to induce climate change within the minute.
[edit] Production Models
The name Ferrari comes from the Middle Roman word 'Ferrariavantipronto', which literally translated means 'peasant tractor'.
[edit] Bozo
The Bozo also sometimes mistakenly referred to as the Enzo, is Ferarri's flagship model. It is said to be the illegitimate love child born of a threesome between a Formula 1 Car, a Peterbilt Truck and a certain Micheal Shoemaker or may be Micheal Jackson. It is a car for those whose male anatomy has shrunk to a size smaller than that of a mosquitos, but have enchanced it with silicone implants. Standard equipment is a pussy magnet in size XXL, the pussy magnet is designed to attract Silicone masses larger than 1.44 times that of the sun, which when collpased leads to the formation of a black hole. It features two seats, with ejaculation seat being its primary feature. It also has an advanced computer controlled fuel injection system. It is powered by an advanced system featuring few kittens running on treadmills which are connected to the tyres. Pressing the accelerator down squirts more fuel into the already lit kittens arse, cauing them to run faster and also scream louder thus producing its characterless whine. This is the worst car driven for fat people which cannot fit inside. The allow you to drive 1km/h. They cost 1 million dollars but are really worth 5 cents they are sized as a monster truck
[edit] Specification
- Length: Longer than your Dad's Pickup truck
- Width: More than your big momma's arse
- 0-60: Duh! in 60 years obviously.
[edit] 599GTB
The 599 GTB was is the bastardized love child of a Ford Thunderbird and a Pontiac Solstice with squint eyes. Most owners of this car are those whose male anatomy has shrunk to a size smaller than a grain of sand. Standard Features include a pussy magnet designed by Gucci, the magnet has a capability to attract Blondes with large mammaries.
[edit] F-Whore30
The F-Whore30 also known as the F-Bore30 is nothing more than the previous F360 on steroids with a sex change operation. Standard equipment includes a dumb pussy magnet. The car is often used by bored executives and illegitimate children of Hollywood starlets and Producers to pick up cheap use and throw $30 whores, hence its name. Often invloved in street racing and the most commonly wrecked Ferrari, side effects of buying this car are alleviated levels of anti-boredom.
[edit] FERRARI COMMUNIST
The Communist is made in china by eunuchs in pig tails. It is made of the finest quality cut spare ribs. Its customers include Borat, Bilok and Azamat and not to forget Paris Hilton who demanded one made in dog fur. So far, 3432473274932 have not been sold.
MADE IN CHINA FERRARI
[edit] Tesco Value Ferrari
- Main article: Tesco Value Ferrari
As part of the Tesco organisation's plans to dominate and monopolise the market in more and more product areas, the vehicle was conceived in 1996, when Piero Ferrari, son of the great Enzo reached a deal with entrepreneur Alan Sugar worth almost six hundred pounds. Ferarri's elite team of designers would work on a new, budget range of their supercar in return for the increased recognition of the Ferrari brand in rural areas of the British Isles.
Based loosely on the Ferrari F50, the two-seater convertible has a plastic 10L turbo V12 engine allowing for speeds in excess of 23MPH[2], and a 0-60MPH time of 2 minutes 35 secs if the vehicle is pushed down a mountain. The 0.87 HP generated meant that the car was the most powerful in its class (Shopping trollies) for 1997. Presently, Sir Clive Sinclair is wondering if he should sue someone over this.
[edit] See also
[edit] Footnotes
- ↑ Including a small wang
- ↑ Based on the top speed of an average human, driving "Fred Flintstone"-style
