Fetish
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In psychology, a fetish is a peculiar delusion whereby someone imagines him or herself to be an interesting person just because they've got a piercing, and wear uncomfortable clothes during sex. This is rarely if ever true.
Unfortunately, Christians and other God-botherers feed the fetishists' delusions by angrily denouncing them. This is a vicious cycle — the Christians reinforce their delusion that idiots playing silly games are causing the decay of society, and the fetishists reinforce their opinion that someone finds their tiresome antics fascinating.
If approached by a fetishist, the following precautions should be observed:
- Do not allow the conversation to turn to matters of sex. Normally conversations about sex can be quite interesting, but if you start talking this way with a fetishist, you'll wish you'd just kept talking about the weather. Since you can't identify a fetishist without talking about sex you're pretty much fucked anyhow. Maybe you should just destroy your genitals as a precaution.
- Don't let the conversation turn to Star Trek unless you yourself are a Trekkie. Trust me on this.
- Be careful of offers of sexual contact, even if you're hard up. Think to yourself: "Is this person so attractive that he/she would be worth wearing a blindfold, a latex kilt and knee clamps?" You'll be surprised how often the answer is "No."
- If the fetishist is also a Christian, avoid him or her at all costs. Christian fetishists are rather like self-winding watches, only in stereo, and are capable of boring you on two subjects simultaneously for hours on end.
- Even more worrying than this is the fetishist who is "not religious, but spiritual." If you find yourself in a conversation with someone like this, take the suicide pill provided for your convenience at the bottom of this document.
- DO NOT vigorously rub any part of your body. Or theirs. Or anybody's. Ever.
- Remember that sex is not about personal preference or new experiences. Sex is about scoring with chicks and bragging about it later. A fetish experience does not count as sex and time spent indulging in the fetish can be better used scoring with more chicks. In and out, nothing fancy.
[edit] Special Fetishes
Among psychologists, the foot fetish is widely renowned for being the only fetish that is not prone to revulsion, hissy fits, delusions of a fetish-oriented "community", and endless bickering. This saves a lot of time on the psychologists' schedules.
[edit] Cyanide Pill
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[edit] List of Known Fetishes
- Panties
- Feet
- Toes
- Anything that was once part of an animal's exterior
- Anything that comes out of the body of an animal
- Hello Kitty
- Tickling
- Forrest Gump
- People bending over to tie their shoe laces
- Kittens (but only the very softest of kittens)
- Daily Mail
- Scientology
- Maltesers (now you're talking dirty)
- Microsoft Windows
- Dropping the soap
- Furries
- Kitten calendars
- The Daily Show
- Vore
- Socks
- Blood
- Bondage
- Cute Anime Girls
- Communism
- Fat
- Neck
- Hypnosis
- Liquid soap
- Peeing
- Omorashi (to wet oneself)
- Licking rusty toilet pipes
- Diapers
- Paper cuts
- Doody
- Every single person in Finland. At once.
- Kevin Rose <yea hes pretty fuckin gay
- Pregnant women
- Kim Possible
- Establishing communist governments and tearing them down only to build them back up again
- Finding Private Ryan.
- Teachers
- Stereotyping the US
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