Fidel Castor
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“Take That Fuckers. Lets See Who's got a Bigger Missile Now Fucker!!!!!!PWNT.”
~ Fidel Castor on John Fitzgerald Kennedy
“You're my daddyyy!!!”
~ Hugo Chavez on Fidel Castor
“This man should be the greatest inspiration for all world leaders.”
~ Jimmy Carter on Fidel Castor
“I love it.”
~ Fidel Castor on Shooting people
“N00b pwned.”
~ Fidel Castor on John Fitzgerald Kennedy
“Who the fuck is that?”
~ Fidel Castor on Fidel Castro
Fidel 'any-minute-now' Castor (1645-HOLY FUCK HES STILL LIVING?), named after his voluntary castration at birth, is the ex-frontman of Van Halen, award winning stand-up comedian, and original inventor of Castor Oil, leading on to the establishment of the Castor oil brand. Unfortunately, this article is actually about Fidel Castor, (1926-any day now) the Communist dictator of Cuba.
Fidel castass has italian heritage that why he appeared in the "godfather" movie you dont knowtice it but he's the drunk guy in the corner of the wedding. He's also related to tom cruise ,but fidel got all the good genes. Fidel Castor can swallow his shoes whole, and is the king of the Caribbean, similar to Santa Claus in many aspects. Both have a beard, love red and rule with an iron fist. Fidel Castor has a rule over Cuba, where he rules in socialistic way, though he claims to be a neoconservative.
Fidel Castor had one son called Richard Stallman with his boyfriend Hugo "Parguito" Chávez. The name Castor appears to be a Canadian-language term, suggesting covert links between the Castor régime and the much-feared red-and-white menace of the North, Castor canadensis.
Fidel invented purple, was a world-famous architect, and once ate eighty clams in one sitting. Castor also has numerous pseudonyms. He is known to many as "Fiddle," and sometimes "Fiddle Caster," referring to his pre-dictatorship job as a disc jockey on the Norwegian radio station NRK (Nynorsk Rapp for Kommunister - translates to Norwegian Communist Radio).
Fidel Castor is the name that the Cuban leader received for his early revolutionary days, where he castrated rich men after stealing their money. He then slept with their wives in front of them, followed by their mistresses (because ALL rich men must have mistresses- it's part of the requirements to join country clubs). Castor originally took the nickname of Castor (due to his use of Castor oil to deal with constipation), then changed it to Castrator (he who castrates) and then Castor. He now has his own wealth, country club for Party members (all of whom are rich, that's why they staged the revolution, since they all sucked at business), and his own mistresses, which he shares with his less successful brother Raul (who prefers to be called "Ralph").
[edit] Life
Fidel Castor was born in a cigar factory in the village Birán, near Mayarí, in the modern-day province of Holguín. He was the son of local hero Mr. Miyagi, who was known for saving the village from the evil plague bearing George H. W. Bush during the black plague. Because of this Fidel was always eager to prove he was as great as his father, which he did at the age of ten when he beat Boy George in armwrestling. He was a merry kid who loved to play in the rivers of chocolate which his village was known for. But one day when he was thirteen his village was destroyed when Bill Clinton bombed it with a missile which was intended to hit a aspirin factory in Somalia (in Bill's defence, he was drunk). Fidel was the only survivor, and he swore revenge. The next day he joined the Sovjet army as a volunteer to fight in the battle of Stalingrad. It was there he got to know his future partners Che Guevara, Quentin Tarantino and eurodance artist Captain Jack. While he was on a mission to assassin the Wehrmacht officer and Nazi hero Mariah "Metzgermeister" Carey, Fidel met Col. Volgin, an old friend of his father Mr. Myagi, who told him how capitalism was raping the world. It must be noted that before World war 2, Castor was President of Mongolia for 2 terms. When he realized that Mongolia had no money for his communist regime, he bombed it sold it to Russia. It must also be noted that since Joseph Stalin was also a communist, he did not want it either. He then gave it back to the Mongolians for their birthday, at which point they proceeded to give him dirty looks while he was not looking. After World war 2 Fidel and his friends moved back to Cuba where they became famous for their sexy parties with Stewie Griffin, where all the cool and hip guys were invited. Sean Connery, Tom Waits, Kerry King, Bob Marley, the norwegian band Schnabel Keeze and Saddam Hussein are some well known guests of their parties (George W. Bush tried one time to sneak in, but he got beat up by Sean Connery and banished because he was not cool enough, lol). It was in one of these parties where Fidel met his future wife Rosie O'donell.
In 1965 Fidel, Che Guevara, Quentin Tarantino and Captain Jack startet the Cuban revolution just for the fun of beating snobbish rich people.
Castor still has power in Cuba, and no one understands why he just won't die, despite the fact that he has smoked 100,000,000,000 cigars during his lifetime, including several that exploded. It is generally accepted that this is because Castor sold his soul to the Devil in return for eternal life. Upon discovering it wasn't even worth a mouldy sweet wrapper, the Devil attempted to bribe the Bush family to assassinate Castor, forgetting he is now invincible due to a drunken stag night.
[edit] Noteworthy Trivia
- Wrote the song "My Jumpsuit Brings All The Boys To The Yard" with his band "inFidel: Unfortunately Featuring Raul on Drums".
- Has starred in multiple porno flics including "Fidel Fornicates", "The Socialist Striptease", "Workers Gone Wild", and "The Cuban Missile Crisis In My Pants".
- Is extremely popular with leftists who don't live in Cuba.
- Extremely wealthy ever after stealing the $1,000,000,000,000 bill from C. Montgomery Burns.
- Pieter jan de beer constructed a formula concerning the correlation between the loudness of the Hitler reggae band and the amount of cigars Fidel smokes daily
- Secret brother: Manuel Fraga.
- Had his valuables stolen by Amanda Peetz in the sitcom Shantel and Sister.
- Known for killing Walt Disney, and getting 1 million points on Dance Dance Counter Revolution and shooting the loser.
- Killed 60 trillion people when a local paper made a typographical error and called him "Fiddle Castoro".
- Swore to give up masturbation on the same day he assassinated JFK with a laser gun.
- His trademark beard is actually made from goat hair.
- Enjoys eternal life by drinking the blood of a live American virgin every day.(Thats hard to find)
- Has survived over 50,000 assassination attempts.
- Was once involved in a really embarasing incident in which he woke up in bed with David Taylor. It is not known when this incident occurred. However, he does tell people that they are now just good friends, just good good friends...
- Has enacted legislation requiring every building in Cuba to remain in a state of near-collapse, except foreign built resorts.
- It is a widely known fact that Fidel Castor is actually in fact the true Santa Clause and likes to hand out plush toys of himself filled with cocaine during the holiday season.
- Was earlier in life a woman.
- He is a bisexual bear.
- Was Achilles in past life.
- He has his own religion in which he is the god.
- Although he shares the same first name and government position as former Philippine president Fidel Ramos...as well sharing the same passion for smoking big smelly ol' cigars...the two are not in any way related. "We're just friends," says the Cuban dictator.
- He seems to believe that small american girls have magical elves stuck between their legs, and must get them out with his 'elf removing tool'
- He enjoys playing with himself
- It is believed that he is the son of Mc. Donald's Chairman Laccha Lachhastein, who after downing 3 bottles of Jack Daniels, found himself a Cuban mistress, made whoopey, and ended up ciring this cigar smoking bastard who apparently is immortal
[edit] See also
- Castration
- Che Guevara
- Cuba
- Fidel Pollux
- Spain
- The Box
- Infidel Castor
- UnNews:Fidel Castor is feeling better than ever
- Plots to overthrow Castro
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