Fife

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Yon article may be overly Scottish, no British. Ye shouldnae dae anyhin tae fix it.

Comrade Brown, self declared PM and dictator of the Kingdom of Fife.

The Kingdom of Fife is an independent nation / province located along the east coast of Scotland on a small peninsula which has only recently been connected to Clackmannanshire. Being less than 100km's wide, it is one of the Minor European States such as Luxembourg, the Vatican City, Liechtenstein and England.

The town of Dunfermline (which claims to be a city and isn't) was once the former capital city of Scotland (no, really!) and to rub salt in the wound, Glenrothes was purposely built in the 1950’s to replace it as the capital city of F**e. Glenrothes is also home to The Kingdom Hall of Jehovah's Witnesses, the nation's religious centre.

All traffic entering Fife must travel across the Kincardine, Forth or Tay bridges, which pretty much makes the place an island. A person from Fife is known as a Minker and they have their own government, royal family, laws and currency (buckets of coal for internal matters and bags of crack for when trading with Europe). Fife Law is effectively the same as Scottish Law, the only difference being that husbands may murder their wives / children and vice-versa without being branded criminals. Incest and bestiality are also legal in Fife in contrast with the rest of Europe, and it is common for a man to have several wives.

Language wise, the entire nation (from the exception of the English who have invaded St Andrews) has a highly irritable accent and communicating with Minkers can also be difficult as every sentence/answer appears to translate into No bad like, yersel?. Those from the developed parts of Scotland (West Coast & Glasgow) may be bemused by this 'Ken' they always go on aboot, usually followed by a high pitched squeak of 'Neeighbour'. Another phrase which may bemuse the visitor is the often used prefix of "yahoorsir". This is used to emphasise the extremity of a situation or incident ie: "yahoorsiryirmanwisblooteredlastnicht" which would translate as "our common aquaintance had taken too much alcohol last evening" It would also appear to be compulsory for "Fife" as a spoken language to be used at three times the speed of sound with no spacing between words.

1 History & Culture
2 The Royal Family
3 Politics
4 Sport
5 Cities & Towns
6 Famous Residents

[edit] History & Culture

Fife & Culture???

Rampant incest (as highlighted on national television 2008-a Kirkcaldy couple were siblings!) and inbreeding are really the main highlights of this corner of hidden Britain. Most Fifers never actually leave their enclosed world of family and village though once a native of Lochore ventured as far as Lochgelly. No information has been forthcoming regarding the gentleman since.

The bustling metropolis of Cowdenbeath hosts Europes largest Gay Pride festival every August. The whole town dons fancy dress and have piggy-back races around their little Stock-Car Track.

'Hot-Hatch' days at the mecca of ned motorsport Knockhill (Nr. Dunfermline) are really the place to experience the cream of Scottish youth culture. Stare in awe at the Fife natives modified Corsa's, clapped out Golfs and other assorted boy racer cars.

[edit] The Royal Family

Bonnie King Charlie, the King of Fife alongside his personal bodyguard double and right-hand man Craig Reid.

The Kingdom is run by Bonnie King Charlie Reid who now lives across the Firth of Forth in Leith (a dodgy bit of Edinburgh). Alongside his personal look-alike bodyguard Craig, they formed a small band called The Proclaimers. They later broke into the music industry's elite with their No1 hit singles Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go and You're My Specky Four Eyed Cunt.

Several high profile contenders have fought for the Queen of Fife title but after a brutal massacre at the Battle of East End Park in Dunfermline, so called singer and home-girl Barbara Dickson emerged victorious after performing a medley of her greatest hits.

The seat of the Fife Royals is in deepest darkest Falkland which was later stolen by the British and relocated to the Southern Atlantic Ocean beside Argentina. Falkland Palace was originally built as the hunting palace for the Scottish kings who would set out on horse-back in hope of shooting Minkers in villages between Glenrothes and Cupar. This was outlawed later and the Scottish Deer Centre was then built nearby where nowadays children can now shoot a stag through the skull for a nominal fee of £5.50.

[edit] Politics

Since the rise of the Embittered Former Miner's Party in Fife during 1996 (after taking over Sinn Féin who still own all bombers at RAF Leuchars), The royals (King Charlie & the Evil Queen Barbara) who were residing in Falkland Palace were overpowered by Gordon Brown during the bloody Falklands War. Mr Brown is now the regional dictator and will not stop until Kirkcaldy is reinstated as the linoleum centre of the universe and Raith Rovers return to their former glory in the SPL and as Coca-Cola Cup Champions.

Despite his love for Kirkcaldy however, the Houses of Parliament consist of a 17th Century building in the centre of Glenrothes imaginatievely named Fife House or the Kremlin that is strangely reminiscent of shoddy 1970’s style tower block.

[edit] Sport

Dunfermline Athletic celebrating their last league win in 1886.

The whole of Fife is obsesed with football (or croquet if you live in St Andrews) and gave rise to the Fife Council Premier League in 1996. The league consists of the following teams (in order of success):

Dunfermline Athletic
Raith Rovers
Oakley United
Steelend Rejects
Cowdenbeath FC
Super Duper Cupar Troopers
East 'we're nae fae Leven' Fife
Exxon Mossmorran Mechanics XI
Jimmy Shand & his band FC
Kelty Hearts
Knockhill Chairleaders WFC

Dunfermline won the Scottish Cup a couple of times before being thrown out of the Scottish Premier League. Raith Rovers, a side from a famous little town called Raith somewhere between Kirkcaldy and Glenrothes once beat Celtic on penalties in the Coca-Cola Diddy League Cup. Cowdenbeath (an anagram for No-Be-Watched) still boast about a 3rd Division Championship win at some point and East Fife come from Methil as everyone in the east of Fife supports Dundee United.