Fight club
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
- Not to be confused with Seal Club.
“As I was reading this book on my IKEA Lov seat while eating dinner, I realized that I was eating all condiments and no food. And then it hit me...”
~ Oscar Wilde on Fight Club
Fight Club (1946) is the first published novel by Albert Einstein. The plot is based around the invention of a secret weapon called "The Fight Club." The weapon, being developed in the United States for use in World War II, causes its victims to enter a state of rage where all they can do is fight one another, call each other "Jack", adopt self-destructive behavior, and burn each other's hands with lye. The novel was initially controversial for an essay contained in the back that suggested the "Fight Club" be invented in actuality so it could be used against the Chinese because, to quote Einstein, "Can't trust a fellow who's skin is yellow..."
The novel has since been published in 35 languages in 800 countries and has been dramatized on stage and film at least 15 times.
Contents |
[edit] Plot Synopsis
The book centers around a group of scientists working for a secret agency to develop the "Fight Club", a wooden club embued with the powers of magic. The scientists spend less time developing the weapon, however, and more time sitting in a circle discussing their feelings. Their group sessions are governed by TEN RULES:
1. You do not want to talk about the Fight Club.
2. You do not want to talk about the Fight Club.
3. No sticking a feather in your butt and claiming your a chicken. That means you Karl...
4. No smoking. Actually, smoking is required, but in the circle it's called "looking cool".
5. No outside food or beverages.
6. No running in the halls.
7. No shirt, no shoes, no service.
8. Discussions go as long as they have to (unless the Army Cafeteria has any
daily specials that have time limits).
9. If it is your first time working on the Fight Club, you have to express at least one
theorem on some form of weaponry dynamics, or tell a really good fart joke. I mean REALLY GOOD.
10. No Fat Chicks.
Because the scientists all have an obsession with beating up their fathers, they develop the Fight Club into a weapon that makes its victims want to beat up other people. As part of their research into the weapon, the scientists also make a number of unethical experiments on animals including the launching of monkeys into space, given them the collective name "Space Monkeys."
[edit] Chess Club
Chess Club was founded after the whole "Fight Club" incident. Two guys who originally went to Fight Club and were not happy with the rules and the psychotic guy that kept talking to himself and smashing himself and left to create "Chess Club". The club is governed by TEN to THREE HUNDRED RULES: (The two leaders at the time were 'experimenting' with some illegal oysters at the time they wrote this.)
1. You do not talk about Chess Club, I mean seriously who would want to?
2. No Shirt and No Shoes ,thongs are allowed though.
3. The knight can only move in an L shape.
4. Chess matches will go for as long as they have to.
5. Only one Chess match at a time! Calm down fellas!
6. No more than 3 people to a match.
7. You do not talk about the rules of Chess Club, unless you're not wearing pants.
8. You wear a 'wacky tie' on casual Friday.
9. Pants-off Tuesday every Wednesday
10. No performance enhancing drugs - such as cat food.
11. If you break your limbs during the match, you're on your own pal!
12. Bonus points if you headbutt the wall.
13. The loser of the match must sing the national anthem of Chess Club.
14. If you're not first, you're last.
15. If the match ends in a draw or stalemate, you both get shot.
16. 50 Cent is NOT ALLOWED. (Our bullets don't affect him O_O)
17. If you start seeing Edward Norton or Brad Pitt - You must find the magic dog 'Dodo' and pluck its enchanted eyebrows.
Only then will you be allowed to rejoin the Chess Club.
18. During a super-mega-ultra-deathmatch, the Bishop can only move in a Y shape.
19. If you mention 5 Chuck Norris jokes during any match or even think of him 5 times, he will appear.
He then will roundhouse kick the chessboard and stare at your opponent menacingly which will cause your opponent to explode.
Chuck will then proceed to roundhouse kick you.
20. After 44 minutes of play queens are allowed to teleport and take pieces.
21. THE QUEEN IS NOT A SEX SYMBOL.
[edit] Gay Club
The Gay Club is an affiliate of the Fight Club. It is basically "Fight Club, minus the balls...of course" says one of its members. The main strike used in all the fights (well hell, the only strike for that matter) is a variation of the Bitch slap, known as the "Queer slap" which is delivered after taunting your opponent with the "Queer sneer" which involves taking the head of your penis and making funny faces with it. To defend an attack, the opponent (queer) raises his hand toward his face in a sassy manner, as if he we're telling one of his girlfriend's "As if! talk to the hand!" in a Valley Girl accent and he then proceeds to defend himself by saying that he only slept with the teenage guy with a baby inside getting high on information behind the Starbucks warehouse because he needed to recover his "passion". Sounds a lot like the UFC you say? Well call it like you see it then.
[edit] Trivia
- There was originally a line 'I want to have your abortion' which, after a request by the censors to tone it down, the director kept replacing with ruder sentences. Eventually it reached the level of 'Motherfuck! That was such a fucking shit of a fucking, I'm going to fuck cunt shit in my ass and shit all my fuck over your shit, fucker!'. It was then changed to 'My god, I haven't been fucked like that since grade school'.
- The brief flashes of Tyler in the beginning of the movie were simply Brad Pitt wanting more air time. His character did the same thing on many episodes of "Shining Time Station", "Sesame Street", and Telemundo's "Gatawawa Corazone".
