Figs

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“Ah yes, Fig... He and I had a wonderful evening together in '67, what with the candles and the moonlight...”

~ Oscar Wilde on Figs

“What's a fig?”

~ Sir Isaac Newton on figs

“Whats is the sound of figs stealing brains?”

~ Zen monk on figs

The fig is a deceptive fruit, indeed it has been suggested that it was in fact a fig that offered Eve, from the bible story Genesis, the forbidden fruit. The fig impersonates a fruit, and does it very well. However it is much like a sea squirt, an invertebrate that roots itself to the sea bed, digests its brain, and spends its life living off.. sand... The fig, however, spends time growin, and once it is developed enough to walk, it grows a new brain, and each year, thousands of figs leave the water and go in search of bushes to attach themselves to in colonies, to give the illusion of being a fruit. Any human who has ever seen this event, has either been committed to a mental asylum, or been devoured by the figs.

1 Why?
2 What next?
3 What you can do
4 Influence
- 4.1 Fig Newtons

[edit] Why?

So, I hear you ask, why do they do it, when they know they will be eaten? The answer is this: the

Figs, innocent looking, but more dangerous than 4 atomic bombs...

fig wants to be eaten, it is the fig's sole ambition in life, but once again I hear you ask why, and if you will just be patient, I will get to that! The juices of the fig contain a virus, very similar to that of the zombie virus, however it allows the fig complete control over the host's mind, and while at first this may seem ridiculous, the fig's brain is smaller than that of <insert name here>, so how does it control all the functions and emotions that your average human does? Well the fig gains all knowledge and memories that the host had, and is therefore able to inhabit a human successfully.

[edit] What next?

Once it is inside the host, it sells all the hosts worldly possessions, buys a stall at the local market, or a shop in a mall, and sells figs, figs and more figs, and sometimes fig jam... Then, people come in and buy the figs, and the process starts over again, it is rumoured that Bill Gates is actually under the control of a fig, and is the fundraising front for figs.

[edit] What you can do

Clearly this cannot be allowed to happen, so how can we stop this covert invasion? The answer is simple, if you see a fig colony, or a fig stall, or a fig shop, then torch it! And don't leave until it is a pile of ashes!

A prime example of someone who has had their mind stolen by the nefarious figs

Not one fig can be allowed to survive! If you know someone who has eaten a fig, there is only one cure: make them eat another. Yes it sounds crazy, but in fact, figs hate each other, and so, with them together in a human's brain, it is pure hell, and sooner or later they will push themselves through the excretory system and die. However, there is a possibility that the figs will survive for a while, and pull the human to pieces. But, it is the only cure, and must be undertaken, no matter what the cost may be!

"I'm not the fig plucker or the fig plucker's son,

But I'll pluck figs 'til the fig plucker comes."

--- Yo mama

[edit] Influence

The fig played a key part in the finding of gravity, for it was a fig that fell on the head of Isaac Newton and not in fact an apple as previously conceived.

Newton was sitting in the backyard of his friends house below what he thought was an apple tree. He was reading the latest issue of Playboy when an object fell on his head. He immediately confronted his friend on the matter.

Newton: An apple just came out of that apple tree and hit me on the head!

Newton's Friend: What apple tree?

Newton: The one in your back yard!

Newton's Friend: That's not an apple tree. It's a fig tree.

Newton: What's a fig?!

And so the great phrase "what's a fig?!" was born. Newton patented it 5 hours later and has received 25 cents every time someone utters the sentence. I have had to pay $550.75 since this morning as I was travelling in the Fig Factory.