Fillet O'Fish
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
“Sir Fillet O'Fish is champion and protector of you all. As such he will now bugger off to live somewhere more hospitable.”
~ Sir Fillet O'Fish on Sir Fillet O'Fish
Contents |
[edit] Origins
Sir Fillet O'Fish, champion of the O'Fish clan, was born in the forgotten tropical backwater of Darwin, Australia. He was happy there, things were free and easy and beetroot was widely avaliable. Unfortuneately he ran afoul of the local authorities when he subscribed to Creation magazine. Having to flee the land of this birth he claimed citizenship of the forgotten arctic backwater of Scotland because his father was related to this lady who left there for some reason. There was no beetroot.
While in Scotland there were several attempts on his life, most notably by neo-Darwinist and emotional terrorist, Jeshua Wyling. It all happened when Fillet was working for a particular nondescript fast food outlet and the nefarious Jeshua pretended to be an irate customer. He complained to the manager about so-called "poor service" and the manager remedied the situation by allowing Jeshua 5 minutes alone with the hapless Fillet. Fortunately, emotional terrorists tend to be pansies and Jeshua ended up having to eat all those pickles nobody eats from the burgers.
Later that year, Fillet learned Esperanto by correspondence and, as a result, is now able to converse freely with Original Jesus.
[edit] Rise to Fame
But Fillet's rise to fame wouldn't come until later. He was conscripted into Her Majesty's Royal Army and decided he'd rather stay at home. He skived off work and stowed away on a vessel full of British cows (the bovine, not human kind). He only narrowly missed catching mad cow disease when it arrived at its destination... Iraq.
As Fillet walked off the boat his sergeant spotted him just as the Scotts division made landfall. They chased him all the way to Bagdad where Fillet tripped over some weapons of mass destruction. Tony Blair, being so grateful that he finally had a reason to invade in the first place, put pressure on the Queen to knight Fillet. Fillet O'Fish became a knight on the 32nd of October 2002.
[edit] Distinguished Position
As champion and protector of the O'Fish clan, Sir Fillet is the only member to hold the distinguished position of not living in Scotland. In 2003, Fillet left the godforsaken icebox and buggered off back to the land of his birth, Australia. Although neo-evolutionists in Darwin still wish he were dead, Fillet enjoys a reasonably peaceful existence living on the other side of the country, in Queensland, a state of Australia that is personally owned by the Queen who can give or sell any part of it whenever she feels like it. Because of its status as the "Smart State", Fillet occasionally has to fake an IQ test to stay but generally the locals are to oblivious to realise that an outsider with an average IQ treads the sacred ground owned by Lizzy.
As a knight of the realm, Fillet holds some special powers while residing in a Commonwealth of Nations country. These include diplomatic immunity and a license to kill.
[edit] Beetroot
When in Australia Sir Fillet enjoys his fair share of beetroot, the essence from which beatboxers spring from. During his childhood, Sir Fillet had all the beetroot he desired. Unfortuneately, beetroot is not avalaiable in Scotland because the language of Scots does not allow the vocal agility required for fully-fledged beatboxers to come to maturity and breed. As such, when he was exiled there, beetroot was unavaliable. Today, while on official duties in Scotland Fillet imports the best beetroot from New York.
[edit] Today
Currently Sir Fillet resides on the Gold Coast, Queensland in a secret castle specially constructed for him in Surfer's Paradise.There he satisfies his obsession for beetroot. Sir Fillet entertains guests he deems worthy of his attention but witholds the beetroot because it is magical to him.
- Sir Fillet always refers to himself in third person.
