Final Fantasy I
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| Final Fantasy I | |
|---|---|
| [[Image:|none|280px]]
| |
| Developer | Squaresoft |
| Release Date | 1990 |
| Genre | RPG |
| Platforms | NES |
| Rating | E |
| Would Freddy Krueger play it? | Hell No |
Final Fantasy I (Japanese: ファイナルファンタジーI; Fainaru Fantajī Aye), also known as The First Final Fantasy and Original Fantasy, is a video game that was never actually called Final Fantasy. Many suspect that the reason for this strange development technique relates directly to the game developers' plans of making hundreds of thousands of sequels and spinoffs from the very beginning. This is for emo-gamers as are the rest of the Final Fantasy series (emos see the "final" part as something vaguely related to suicide). Emos especially enjoy it when a main character (or any character) dies. It is also suspected that, in order to draw the gamers' attention from this obvious marketing ploy, the game developers changed their original title, Fantasy I, to Final Fantasy I, falsely indicating that it would be the last game they would create.
Contents |
[edit] The Game
In Final Fantasy I, your ultimate objective is to save the world. This objective had never been used before in a video game, and will probably never be used again. The methods of saving the world, however, take the user through a series of intricate plot lines, story twists, and gripping suspense. In fact, the excitement and emotional overload is evident in the very beginning of the game, where a group of 6 valiant warriors must decide who among them shall disappear from the fabric of time. The player is given the chance to determine which four he will take, though he or she also has the option of cloning some of the warriors. However, for each clone made, one additional member of the group of warriors will be slain. It is a tough decision, and after it is made, the characters, and players, often find themselves in tears. But perseverance in the face of obstacles such as insurmountable rivers soon sets their minds apart from the teary farewell of the game's beginning.
Gameplay requires vast amounts of skill, and only 3 people on record have beaten the game. However much skill it takes, though, the game possesses little strategic value. Beating the game requires only manic and frenzied button mashing; while this provides little entertainment value, the players are generally so hooked on the plot they will not want to stop play for even a second. Unfortunately, there is no saving mechanism, and players who receive the infamous Game Over screen are forced to start the game over from the very beginning.
[edit] Character Classes of Final Fantasy I
[edit] The Thief Class
The Thief class is a refreshing change from the unfair stereotypes surrounding thieves in most video games. In fact, the Thief doesn't actually steal anything! The Thief's main specialty is that he can run away really, really well. The Thief who doesn't actually steal is a prime example of Squaresoft's uncanny ability to think outside the box.
Even better, it upgrades to the Ninja Class, which doesn't do any Ninja stuff. The Ninja class uses shields and armor. What the hell kind of ninja wears armor? A dead one, that's what. Except ninjas can't die, which means that the game reaches a glitch whenever you equip your ninja with armor. So, nothing changes, effectively. And it doesn't upgrade. But then... (cut off for your own mental health)
[edit] The Fighter Class
The Fighter's job is to make the game easy. Although the game is rumored to be diabolically hard, there is a little known difficulty-selection system. To make the game easier, simply add more Fighters to your party. The difficulty levels are as follows:
- Zero Fighters: "Forget it"
- One Fighter: "Pretty tough"
- Two Fighters: "Now that's better"
- Three Fighters: "This is the easiest game ever"
- Four Fighters: "The game just beat itself for me"
Fighters can never be killed, and the strategy for employing them in battle is very simple: hit bad guys with swords until dead. After they are promoted, they get to use healing magic, as if they need it.
Fighters upgrade to Knights. Some people think that that reduces the FDQ (Fighter Difficulty Quotient) because your party no longer consists of "Fighters" in the literal sense. But all it does is make them even stronger and able to heal themselves, as previously mentioned. Weren't you paying attention? Needless to say, that only raises the FDQ by 1.5 per Knight (as opposed to 1 per Fighter), which can lead to a FDQ of 4.5 or even 6. This is why, at this point, people simply stop playing, most often. It's because they've already won three times over (even if one of those times consists only of White Mages).
[edit] The Black Belt Class
You remember when people all around the world didn't know every last f***ing nuance of Japanese culture? Me neither. But this class is a testament to that time. The Black Belt is effectively the class that never gets to use awesome swords because they're supposed to beat the crap out of people with their bare hands. But he's only called a Black Belt because he painted his belt black. He doesn't even know any martial arts: the only technique that he ever uses is the crude but effective "punch enemy twice with same hand and somehow hit them eleven times" technique.
As powerful as the Black Belt can potentially become (he can theoretically kill the final boss in one hit), his power does not progress linearly like the rest of the classes. Rather, his capabilities are determined by a very, very complicated equation involving such factors as the position of Neptune relative to your mom, the price of a share of McDonalds stock ten minutes from now, and the ratio of how many kittens Oprah has huffed in a fortnight to the total amount of meat in the Kingdom of Loathing's entire economy.
Based on these factors, it may be better to equip or not equip the Black Belt with a weapon, to equip or not equip him with armor, to look or not look at the Armor or Status screen, or to split or not split an infinitive four times in the same sentence. If the right decision is made in each of these instances, the Black Belt will be ungodly-ly powerful. If the wrong decision is made, then he sucks so much that black holes can't escape him.
He upgrades to the Master class, which pretty much gives him no new abilities. Adding a Black Belt to your party not only decreases the FDQ by one Fighter, but also means that you have to sell those awesome swords that you find. And the money won't do the Black Belt any good because 1) he has taken a vow of poverty, and 2) he refuses to wear any armor except bracelets, hand towels, and cardboard boxes.
[edit] The White Mage Class
White Mages cast healing and defensive magic... sometimes. Most of the time, they're hiding in the third or fourth row hitting with their hammers for single-digit damage (In a later Final Fantasy, the requisite White Mage has offense so low that she heals enemies by punching them). Either that or they're using Heal Helms over and over during random battles. Which is healing magic, so it works.
The White Mage is the great paradox of Final Fantasy I: their job is to cast healing magic, their defense is somewhere between "nothing" and "wet cookie," and they take up a slot that another Fighter could be in. These three factors combine into a self-contradictory cataclysm of unnecessariness. You don't need a White Mage's skills if you don't have a White Mage.
One thing that White Mages are good for is switching to the front for a boss battle and casting RUSE until they can't be hit. This significantly reduces damage to the party, because the boss misses every other time he attacks. Once again, though, having a Fighter instead of a White Mage makes the White Mage unnecessary: Fighters soak damage like crazy, and they don't need to spend the first three combat rounds casting spells to do it. They can hit with swords instead.
White Mages are also able to cast MUTE, which is necessary for defeating Ass-Toss. But Red Mages can cast MUTE too. And Red Mages are superior to White Mages in every way except the whole "magic" thing, and not by much in that category.
White Mages upgrade into White Wizards, which can either mean that they turn into half-immortal beings from a Tolkien novel, or into leaders of racist organizations. Your call.
The best use of White Mages is to look hot, and being hot chicks, they do the job very well. Their hotness is their best attribute, and any geeks and/or nerds you may fight will start jerking off, making it easier for your Fighters to kill them. Just make sure she doesn't get raped.
[edit] The Red Mage Class
The Red Mage is the concept of "well-rounded" given physical form. He is able to use almost any low-level spell in the game, fight using most of the best weapons, wear pretty good armor, and basically prance around like a conceited jerk while putting the White and Black Mages to shame by doing both of their jobs and then some.
The Red Mage is second only to the Thief in terms of pure awesomeness. Square was awestruck by this creation, simultaneously falling in love with and being terrified of the Red Mage's power. Such was their fascination with him that they put him in Final Fantasys 3, 5, and Tactics Advance, albeit in a watered-down form (or so they thought; Red Mage, the wily bastard, traded those abilities for Doublecast. He came out ahead).
Red Mage and Black Belt are best friends. Black Belt can't use any weapons or armor, so he gives the weapons and armor that he finds to Red Mage. Red Mage then sells whatever he doesn't need for money, which is important, because Red Mage can spend money faster than Paris Hilton on a kitten huffing binge. Red Mage returns the favor by casting FAST on Black Belt to turn him into a tornado with legs and fists, and casting healing spells on him whenever he gets hurt while his Absorb is low (see the Black Belt section for information on why this happens; it depends on how many kittens Oprah has huffed at that point in time).
It is rumored that White Mage and Black Mage are secretly plotting to assassinate Red Mage as revenge for stealing their jobs. How they can accomplish this is unknown; Red Mage is not undead, so White Mage can't hurt him, and Black Mage's spells are useless in the face of a MUTE casting. Furthermore, the White and Black Mages have abysmal physical defense. And Red Mage knows how to use swords.
The Red Mage upgrades to the Red Wizard, which is one of the coolest looking changes to his appearance ever. Remember when you put that bottle of Dr. Pepper in your campfire and it exploded? It's even cooler than that. Trust me.
Lest we forget, Red Mages are red. And we all know what that means... it means that he goes faster. And add that to the FAST spell... well, that puts him in the same league as Chuck Norris, Jesus, The Dali Lama and Bruce Lee. Just barely, mind.
He can also play piano.
Also, he is a pimp. This can be confirmed by that pimp hat he always wears.
[edit] The Black Mage Class
The Black Mage is a joke played by Square on rookie Final Fantasy I players. His job is allegedly to cast offensive magic, but like the White Mage, he spends most of his time in the back rows stabbing with knives for single-digit damage. He has even been known to hit for fractions of a point of damage on occasion.
His first level spells become obsolete (relative to what a Fighter could be doing) before you get into enough battles to actually cast all of them. His second level spells become obsolete before you can afford them. His third level spells do not suck, and actually remain useful right up until you get the Zeus Gauntlet. After that point, not only do his third-level spells become obsolete, but the Black Mage himself becomes such a ridiculous parody of himself that he doesn't even participate in battle anymore, but rather hides his face in shame.
The Black Mage can cast FAST, though. And FAST does not suck. There's just one little problem: the Red Mage can cast FAST too. And the Red Mage is superior to the Black Mage in every way except the whole "magic" thing, and not by much in that category. Remember those cool third-level spells? Red Mage can use those too. The Red Mage can even cast FAST on himself in good conscience.
All black magic above level 4 is crap. NUKE does less damage to a single enemy than a hit from a Black Belt's fists. And NUKE is one hell of a lot more expensive than a Black Belt's fists.
Black Mages can upgrade into Black Wizards, which causes them to lose their trademark wizardry hat. This has been widely regarded as a bad move, since Black Wizards have breath that can kill, which was previously only deflected by their hat. And since it only goes to party range, guess what that means.
[edit] Mysteries of Final Fantasy I
[edit] Tceles B Hsup
This enigmatic phrase is believed to be the key to Final Fantasy I's cerebral and convoluted plot. One theory is that "Tceles B Hsup" is God's true name. Others believe that, by drawing a 4x3 grid on Final Fantasy I's world map and writing these letters in the squares, one can reveal War Mech's hidden identity. Since nobody has actually bothered to do this, however, this too is just a theory. Another theory is that it may be linked to Tetris; when you put the letters in the spaces between the pre-made blocks, some message is made. Yet another theory is that this is an half-translated phrase that was supposed to read "Testicles be tough." We may never know the secret behind this famous phrase.
In the Game Boy Advance remake, it was changed to "Tceles Nottub B". Many people are confused by this event, and still are today, wondering if it has the same meaning.
[edit] The Spells
Tceles B Hsup is not the only unsolved mystery of Final Fantasy. All of Final Fantasy I's spells are strange 4-character codes, most of which have been deciphered. Final Fantasy I's spells include:
- AFIR: A Fir. Creates trees. confirmed
- AICE: Believed to be a misspelling of ice. Freezes the battlefield, letting you save it for later. confirmed
- ALIT: ALlITeration. This allows the Black Mage to attack using poetry. confirmed
- AMUT: A Mutt. Creates various types of dogs. confirmed
- ARUB: Atypical Rescue Using Bread. The White Mage distracts enemies with slices of white bread, allowing the party to escape unharmed. Only works on imps. confirmed
Bread.
- BANE: Bans th scond vowl in th alphabt from th whol gam. confirmd
- BLND: BLoNDe. Some uncool dude, like, decided to make a joke about like, hair color. Ohmygod. Like, whatever. confirmed
- BRAK: BRAcK (Engrish for "Black"). Dereting arr game coror, sunshine boot. confilmed
- CONF: Sends your party to a conference. Good for getting out of boss fights. confirmed
- CUR2: Summons two mongrels. confirmed
- CUR3: Summons three mongrels. confirmed
- CUR4: "Create Unimaginably Repulsive 455h0l3." An unbearably "leet" guy cosplaying Sailor Moon chases away your screaming foes. unconfirmed
- CURE: Crush Under Retarded Elephants. Self-explanatory. confirmed
- DARK: Demented Antipath Redirecting Karma. Gives your enemies the Crazed status, rendering them likely to issue a vendetta against the first thing that moves. Also renders the antipath in question harmless. confirmed
- EXIT: Thought to be a respelling of X-It. Many assert that the game creators would never lengthen a spell name. No one understands this spell. unconfirmed
- FADE: Turns theeee seeecond voweel of the alphabt into a passing fad. S BAN. confirmd
- FAST: Lets your characters participate in Ramadan. confirmed
- FEAR: FEast At Ralph's. Since Ralph is over 4 letters long, some doubt this is the correct solution. unconfirmed.
- FIR2: Creates two fir trees. confirmed
- FIR3: Creates three fir trees. confirmed
- FIRE: Frigid Ice-Regulated Elasticity. Causes the skin to be made out of a cold rubbery substance. confirmed
- FOG: FO'Gettaboutit. Summons a mafia member. confirmed
- FOG2: FO'Gettaboutit TOO. Summons another mafia member. See FOG. confirmed
- HARM: Help Allies' Regular Mending. One of the most effective healing spells. confirmed
- HEAL: Unknown. Some believe this spell must be cast on the Thief in order to unlock his secret "steal" ability, actually making the Thief useful. unconfirmed
- HEL2: Sends 2 people in your party to hell. confirmed
- HEL3: Sends 3 people in your party to hell. confirmed
- HOLD: HOpe Lets me Down. This emo band cries your enemies to death. confirmed
- HRM2: The Black Mage casts this spell and immediately goes "Hrmmmmm..." twice, increasing his intelligence. But, then again, intelligence does absolutely nothing, so this spell, likewise, does absolutely nothing. confirmed
- HRM4: A typo of HRM3, the Black Mage casts this spell and then says "Hrmmmmm..." until his head explodes. confirmed
- ICE: Immolation Caused by Excitement. Basically a way of setting yourself on fire through emotions. confirmed
- ICE2: May be a typo of 2 lice. Puts two lice on your opponent's head, making them scratch psychotically. confirmed
- ICE3: A more powerful version of ICE2, puts three lice on your opponent's head. confirmed
- INV2: INVentory x2. Duplicates every item you're carrying. confirmed
- INVS: Possibly short for invoice. Does absolutely nothing. unconfirmed
- LAMP: Let's eAt Mashed Potatos. A good healing spell. Some believe that LAMP actually stands for Look At My Pants, and argue that this action could also have healing value. unconfirmed
- LCK2: Lick your enemies twice. Makes them think you're gay, making them want to run away. confirmed
- LIF2: Short for Liftu, Japanese for doomsday. The most powerful attack spell in the game. confirmed
- LIFE: Limited Intensity Flatulence Explosion. Kind of annoys your enemies. confirmed
- LIT: Short for Literature. Similar to ALIT, You attack with short stories. confirmed
- LIT2: Backwards for 2 'til. Has something to do with clocks, but the rest is unknown. unconfirmed
- LIT3: Backwards for 3 'til. Similar to LIT2. unconfirmed
- LOCK: Let's Order Chinese chicKen. There is much debate over whether or not the Chinese actually have chicken. unconfirmed
The LOCK spell in action. - MUTE: Lts dogs at th scond vowl in th alphabt. Must us AMUT bfor using this spll. S BAN. confirmd
- NUKE: Starts global thermonuclear war. confirmed
- PURE: Purifies water, making it more healthy for your party. A very effective healing spell. confirmed
- QAKE: A respelling of cake. Dumps cakes on the heads of enemies. confirmed
- RUB: An ancient massage technique guarded by the Black Belt Clan. confirmed
- RUSE: From the phrase "reduce ReUSE, recycle". Your characters help the environment. confirmed
- SOFT: Strategically Ordered Flint Tabs. Creates a neat arrangement of extremely hard rocks. confirmed
- SABR: Summons SABRina, the teenage bitch. confirmed
- SLEP: Causes a Jew to appear and complain about how he "Schlepped all the way over here just to fight some fechockta monsters." The guilt causes your enemies to commit suicide. confirmed
- SLP2: SLaP x2. Gives a quick doubleslap that catches monsters offguard. Also lets you record extra material on VHS. confirmed
- SLO2: Possibly sloth. Turns your enemies into sloths, making them easier to kill. unconfirmed
- SLOW: Special Letter Offer from White. Summons the vowel merchant Vanna. The only way to undo the FADE, BANE, and MUTE spells. confirmed
- STOP: POTS backwards. Turns pots inside-out. confirmed
- STUN: Similar to STOP, it is NUTS backwards. Shells peanuts automatically. confirmed
- TMPR: Lets you TaMPeR with the game's controls. You automatically win the game. confirmed
- WALL: Black Mage attacks with a wall of bricks; very powerful spell. For the love of God, Montresor! confirmed
- WARP: Believed to be a misspelling of WRAP. Puts your enemies in wrapping paper, embarrassing them so that they will run away...and trip. confirmed
- XFER: X-FEaR. Disables the effects of the FEAR spell. Since no one really knows what FEAR does, no one knows what XFER does either. unconfirmed
- XXXX: Drowns opponents in a tidal wave of Queensland beer. Ineffective against bogans.confirmed
- ZAP!: By making zapping noises with his mouth, the gamer could electrocute his enemies. Unfortunately, since the microphone NES controller never came out, this spell does nothing. confirmed
[edit] Reviews and sales
Game reviewers the world over were amazed at the glorious nature of this game. It was given scores such as 12/10, 6 stars, excellent squared, and omfg lol. The patrons of game reviewing web sites almost unanimously resolved to purchase this amazing piece of gaming development.
Unfortunately, none of them did. The game sold 15 copies around the nation, 10 of which were bought by one person. In spite of massive monetary losses, the developers proceeded with their original plans to create the largest video gaming franchise in the history of ever.
The public were also led to believe that this game would be the first, and last in the series, hence the name FINAL fantasy. The game was so popular though that they brought out more and more of them. It's thought that the last game in the series will be called "This is the absolute final fantasy, we promise." A sequel is expected to be out around a year later.
[edit] Remakes and Ports
A few years later, a "completly different" and incredibly popular port appeared on the Apple II exclusivly in Japan. Some say its popularity was due to a higher colour pallete and inablity to save without another floppy disk but nobody can be certain.
Later a second, graphiclly inferior port appeared on the Game Boy Color, which due to the above was not as popular and had to be reported 10 more times on seperate consles with "new features" in order to sell. Even so, one port rose to platinum and this was...
[edit] Final Fantasy I and II(pronounced "Aye" & "Duh-bull Aye") Dawn of Soles
This port hit it off with Crackers and Japs because of "new dungeons" (See: Mystery Dungeon) and bosses from other games... in the "new dungeons". Little known is that one secret boss unquie to the game has a 1 in 128 chance in appearing within any of the "Soles of Caos" dungeons. This was later rumored to a direct faceoff with Microsoft Employyes and later confirmed to be true from an immensely popular YouTube video.
[edit] External Links
Visual Conformation of secret boss within Dawn of Soles: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-P9GxQafs9o
| ファイナルファンタジー |
|---|
 ファイナルファンタジー -
ファイナルファンタジーⅡ -
ファイナルファンタジーⅢ |
| 関連の廃物 |
