Final Fantasy IV

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Spoiler warning: Plot spoilers, such as the fact that

GOLBEZ IS CECIL'S BROTHER

may follow. Read on at your own discretion.

OH, AND TELLAH SACRIFICES HIMSELF

Final Fantasy IV
[[Image:|none|280px]] {{{caption}}}
Developer	Squaresoft
Release Date	October 22, 1992
Genre	RPG
Platforms	Super Nintendo
Rating	T
Would Bill Clinton play it?	Ask me if I care!

“You spoony bard!”

~ Oscar Wilde on Final Fantasy IV

“We played Final Fantasy II when we were kids, fuck that 4 shit”

~ This Guy on Final Fantasy IV

“No! No! It's 4 see in Japan it was 4 so we have to call it 4!”

~ That Guy on Final Fantasy IV

Final Fantasy IV (Japanese: ファイナルファンタジーIV; Fainaru Fantajī Aye-Vee)

Contents 1 History 2 Characters 3 Memorable Episodes 4 Final Fantasy IV :The Movie

[edit] History

Final Fantasy 4 was the most popular soap opera on ABC. First debuted in the year 1991, Final Fantasy 4 is about two down-on-their luck guys running a delivery service. Final Fantasy 4 swept the Daytime Emmys every year. it was becoming so grossly popular that writers on other soap operas committed suicide because they could not feed their families, this dark period in history has been called the Great Soap Opera Depression, but few people noticed or even cared because they were all watching Final Fantasy 4. A lot of famous actors got their starts on this show. It was later novelized by M. John Harrison.

[edit] Characters

• Cecil, (pronounced "Seesaw") The stories main protagonist and Emoknight played by David Duchovny. Due to character stagnation and general disinterest among viewers, a sex-change operation was written in for Cecil to go along with the "Paladin" story arc later in the series. Uses a giant Butter-knife. As a paladin, he uses a lot more butter-knives than as a Dark Knight.

• Kain, Cecil's life long sociopathic friend, a Dragoon Knight played by Keanu Reeves Kain harbors a hidden resentment over the fact that he isn't in fact a real dragon and is prone to off-screen teleportation and wild mood swings. Uses a giant fork that helps him fly off screen and land with nary a scratch on him.

• Rydia, A very young girl. played by Amanda Bynes, who magically turns into an adult one day. Having never experienced puberty, Rydia leads a barren, fruitless life of confusion finally committing suicide at the age of 23. Even before her permanent undoing, she spends 95% of the series in a coma, as she can not survive anything more powerful than a goblin sneezing at her. Carries (like all mages) a very long tooth-pick.

• Rosa, Vain attempt at a love interest for Cecil, and all around bitch played by Queen Latifah. Carries (like all mages) a very long tooth-pick.

• Tellah, An elderly cave dwelling sage, played by Jon Stewart, who suffers from Alzheimer’s and was originally intended to be a sympathetic character geared towards viewers with elderly relatives. At one point he is able to remember some magic but since he's so old he can barely cast any. Tellah tested very poorly and his death was promptly penciled in by the writers, altogether making his death scene where he inexplicably chants the Meteo spell to chip the paint on Golbez's Tower of Zot. Carries (like all mages) a very long tooth-pick.

• Edward, some bitch-ass minstrel. The pussy (and spoony) bard played by Brad Pitt. He can't play music, since he damages all his comrades with his harp. Really made the bar for such characters go down in subsequent games.

• Yang, the kickass Kung Fu fighter with a sneezing problem played by Steven Seagal. For reasons never fully explained on the show, Yang idolizes the work of artist Charles M. Schulz, a fact evidenced by the Charlie Brown style t-shirt he wears in battle. Can't carry anything at all, not even shitty toothpick weapons.

• Palom and Porom, Bratty and annoying six year old twins played by Cheech Marin and Tommy Chong. The pair was recast early on due to a violation in child labor laws. Both carried long tooth-picks. Had they been more popular and gone on to make an anime series based on the game, Palom would have an unhealthy porn habit by the age of 8 and Porom would be his bossy sister who tried making him kick a football made out of dead chocobos, only to pull it away at the last minute.

• Cid, 'Mr. Injured Whenever You Need Me' played by Morgan Freeman. Equipped with a Wrench that he can use to fix anything that needs a wrench.

• Edge, Obnoxious young Ninja raised by monsters and played by Johnny Depp. An infamously hated character among audiences, Edge's parents were killed off in an attempt to humanize the character. Spends most of his time masturbating to Rosa and Rydia. Carries two razor-blades.

• Golbez, A very, very mean man played by Brad Garrett Carries an ordinary Butter-knife.

• FuSoYa, An ancient fossil with a lower defense than even Rydia (and, believe me, that is an accomplishment - I think it's negative or something) played by Santa Claus. The inspiration for this character was taken out of the Holy Bible, which can be seen by the big beard. Carries (like all mages) a very long tooth-pick. His is made out of ivory, proving that he's a poacher at heart.

• Fiend of Earth played by Haley Joel Osment

• Fiend of Water played by Jackie Gleason. Usually he wets his pants trying to fight.

• Fiend of Wind played by Uma Thurman

• Fiend of Fire played by Carrot Top. Has a very ill temper.

• Xenu Zemus played by Peter Boyle

• All the random townsfolk all played by Samuel L. Jackson

[edit] Memorable Episodes

• Episode 1-The King of Baron calls upon the Speedy Red Wing Delivery Service to deliver to the town of Mist. When Cecil and Kain get there the package explodes, then Cecil gets into a fight with a little girl. This is weird, because in most battles, neutrinos passing through her would cause her to die, while she survives the bombs destroying Mist.

• Episode 2-The girl starts crying because Cecil and Kain killed her mother, then she calls upon her very muscular and very sexy, evil twin brother who collapsed the side of a mountain. Cecil carries the girl to a nearby town and they take refuge in a local inn.

• Episode 26-Cecil and the girl, Rydia, enter a cave and meet Tellah, a sage. After they explain to Tellah that they need to find a Sand Ruby to save Rosa's life Tellah lets them pass and joins them.

• Episode 72- Our three heroes finally near the end of the cave but then do battle with the Octamammoth. They then leave the cave after slaying the beast, there they discover a blown up castle. Tellah finds to his horror his lover dead on the floor. Tellah and Edward then get into a squabble which ends in Edward joining them.

• Episode 372- Our heroes have retrieved the Sand Ruby from the clutches of the Ant Lion, then they give the Ruby to Rosa.

• Episode 400-Rosa fully recovers and she joins our heroes on their quest. They then climb to the top of Mount Hobs; there they fight the Mom Bomb and Yang joins them.

• Episode 422-Our heroes save Castle Fabul from terrible menaces, then they board a boat and get attacked by Leviathan's evil twin half-brother and the party gets separated.

• Episode 500-Cecil enters the town of Mysidia, there he meets up with Palom and Porom and an elder tells them of another delivery service, the wicked Wings of Golbez. Our heroes then set out for Mount Orders.

• Episode 711-Our heroes meet back with Tellah on the Mountain of Orders and they then square off against the Fiend of Earth.

• Episode 759-The Fiend of Earth falls off the mountain and then Cecil enters a room and changes from a delivery boy to a regional shipping manager.

• Episode 800-Our heroes make it back to Mysidia and take a teleporter that transports them to Baron and find Yang in a tavern and he rejoins them. Our heroes enter Castle Baron through the plumbing system and then battle the Fiend of Water.

• Episode 936-After Cecil has time to reflect Palom and Porom leave the party to go get stoned. Cecil reflects some more. Cid gives our heroes his airship and they are all off to new adventures.

• Episode 1189-Our heroes walk through a huge random forest and wind up in Trojan Castle where they reunite with Edward. Edward tells them he was injured while battling the Dark Elf and gives them the Earth Crystal.
• Episode 1194-Our heroes battle a dragon. The dragon owns them. Edward's song kills the dragon. How? With lots of science.

• Episode 2000-Our heroes make it back to their airship, then as they try to fly off they get surrounded by tens of thousands of other airships and they are all taken to the Wings of Golbez Loading Dock.

• Episode 2001-Our heroes make their way through the Loading Dock, there they fight 3 Sisters, who are all not related in shape or form. After defeating the Sisters with no Relation our heroes battle the Fiend of Wind. They then defeat the Fiend of Wind and save Rosa from being crushed by a scythe giant ball, then they lave the Loading Dock. Kain then magically appears out of nowhere on the airship and joins our heroes without a second thought, then Cid also magically appears and joins our heroes and then they all magically appear on a remote tribal island. Cecil drops a rock down a well which caused a mountain to collapse. Tellah then dies of a sudden heart attack. They go into the mountain, their airship crashes, and they end up in a dwarvian castle, there they reunite with Rydia. Rydia explained that the Dark Leviathan handed her over to his not so evil twin brother and then she spent 50 years in the Land of the Summons. Golbez's severed hand crawls around, steals the crystal, and pulls Cecil's hair. The dwarves of the castle loan them some tanks and our heroes attack The Wings of Golbez Corporate Office. They climb to the top of the Corporate Office and battle Dr. Frankenstein and his Frankenstein’s Monster. Before Dr. Frankenstein dies he informs our heroes that there is a bomb in the microwave in the BREAK ROOM! Yang runs into the break room and saves his friends by blowing himself up. Then they board another airship and fly away, but are then chased by The Wings of Golbez delivery ships. Cid jumps off the ship with sixty pounds of dynamite strapped to him after taking two cyanide pills and slitting his wrists.(Cid was written off the show because Morgan Freeman went off to perform in Along Came a Spider.)

• Episode 2002-Our heroes go to the Cavern of Enron, there they meet up with Edge and somehow end up in The Wings of Golbez Corporate Office, where they fight Edge's parents, they had horrible tests performed on them to make them the perfect delivery boys that were stronger, faster, would never tire, and would never deliver their packages three seconds late. The experiment was a failure because they always delivered their packages FOUR seconds late.

• Episode 4028-The Fiend of Fire dies at the hands of Cecil, then Cecil reflects some more. Our heroes then go into a crystal room, but IT'S A TRAP! They fall back into the underworld where they reunite with Cid. Cid explains that it was his evil twin brother twice removed that was the one that died that day.(The writers came up with this at the last second because Morgan Freeman was done with his movie.)

• Episode 6000- Our heroes retrieve the Crystal of Darkness deep in the darkness of the Cavern of Darkness located in the deepest depths of darkness. They then get the Whale of a Tale and go Bang, Zoom, Straight to the Moon! On the moon FuSoYa tells Cecil that Golbez is actually his EVIL TWIN BROTHER! Cecil can't take the news and runs off to reflect some more.(This is the point when ABC received millions of angry letters and several thousands of letter bombs because the next 9,000 episodes were clip shows, the writers of course made this decision because they were out late partying one night and could not look at other soap operas for other ideas.)

• Episode 15000-Our heroes enter the Titan of The Wings of Golbez, and through the miracles of science is the ULTIMATE DELIVERY BOY! There they fight the Elemental Fiends' Evil Twin Brothers, then they make their down the large intestine and fight the Titan's Left, Right, and Mysterious Middle Balls.

• Episode 15291-FuSoYa tells our heroes that The Wings of Golbez is under new management and is now called FedEx. Then they go back to the moon to battle the new CEO of FedEx, Xenu Zemus! Before entering the Headquarters Golbez confronts them and asks if he can join them. Cecil can't bear to see his brother and runs off to reflect.

• Episode 17111-Our heroes crawl their way through FedEx and reach the FedEx Core. Cecil then runs back in because he's done reflecting. Our heroes confront and kill Xenu Zemus.

• Episode 100000-Xenu Zemus turns into Zeromus for he has no good left in his heart. Everyone dies, then through the love and tears of the people of Earth our heroes are revived, much to the rejoice and celebration of the people of Earth, and the extreme annoyance and bewilderment of Zeromus.

• Episode -1 Zeromus becomes Freeza and then Goku comes out of nowhere and kicks his ass. Cecil and the other guys bid farewell to FuSoYa and Golbez as they "lock themselves in the moon," but they were last seen in 2004 at a strip club in Dallas. Edge steadfastly refuses to consider the implications of aging quickly inside the Land of Summoned Monsters. Also, the monsters there think they're weird for having fangs, even though they outnumber humans by ten grillion to one.

[edit] Final Fantasy IV :The Movie

The show went out with a bang because in 2006 ABC released Final Fantasy 4: The Movie! The movie took place several seconds after our heroes defeated Zeromus. They walked out of what was left of the FedEx Corporate Office and fell into a huge face shaped crater, after this Cecil ran off to reflect and the next 2 hours was a clip show that kept everyone at the edge of their seats. Then each character walked through a door and had an individual trial to complete which ended with each character growing up a little inside. In Rydia's trial she is enveloped in mist that turns her back into a little girl. She cries, wets her pants and the trial is over. Next is Cecil's trial which he had to prove himself worthy to be a regional shipping manager. Dean has not showed up for work yet and they need to send out the 50 packages of sporks to Mythril High in 20 minutes or he'll lose his job. Finally to prove himself worthy he must battle Odin, Odin kicks Cecil's ass and Cecil goes off to reflect for 30 more minutes. In Rosa's trial she has to save all the people of a village from the Titan of the Wings of Golbez's Three Balls who are back for revenge. Rosa then decides that all hope is lost and then leaves the town. For Cid's trial Cid reminisces to the days when he had an airship taxi service and the trial is over. For Kain's trail he is reading a murder mystery story, then his evil twin brother who turns out to be Lunar Bahamut, Bahamut's evil twin brother! Kain gets a Mega Flame to the face and is never seen again. Then our heroes make it to the bottom of the Lunar Crater and battled Zeromus's evil twin brother Zeromus EG, Ending Guy! (At this point the audiences' kidneys exploded for keeping it in for so long.) A dying Zeromus comes in and the two brothers rejoice, then Zeromus dies in Zeromus EG's hands. Then Zeromus EG with nothing else to live for so he straps sixty pounds of lit dynamite to himself, takes two cyanide pills, slits his wrists, and jumps off an airship, audiences were speechless. The movie grossed 20 trillion dollars in the box office and won more Oscars than every movie combined.

ファイナルファンタジー
TELLAH COMMITS SUICIDE! ファイナルファンタジー - ファイナルファンタジーⅡ - ファイナルファンタジーⅢ ファイナルファンタジーⅣ - ファイナルファンタジーⅤ - ファイナルファンタジーⅥ ファイナルファンタジーⅦ - ファイナルファンタジーⅧ - ファイナルファンタジーⅨ ファイナルファンタジーⅩ - ファイナルファンタジーⅪ - ファイナルファンタジーⅫ
関連の廃物 ファイナルファンタジーⅩ-2 - ファイナルファンタジーא-n - ファイナルファンタジー:フォルモヲアー