Final Fantasy IX
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ZIDANE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE KUJA'S REPLACEMENT
may follow. Read on at your own discretion.
| Final Fantasy IX | |
|---|---|
| [[Image:|none|280px]]
| |
| Developer | Squaresoft |
| Release Date | 2001 |
| Genre | Racing |
| Platforms | Dreamcast |
| Rating | EC+ |
| Would Pythagoras play it? | Nope |
“What? You can't do Ultima in this one? Aww, CRAP!”
~ Strong Bad on Final Fantasy IX
“Anyone else notice my ability to keep running and never running out of breath?”
~ Zidane on his amazing stamina
“Wow! I didn't know that I was in this game!”
~ Rudy Guiliani on Kuja
“This plot seems oddly familiar”
~ Cecil on the storyline
“I agree.”
~ Butz on the storyline
“You have a funny name!”
~ Cecil on Butz
“Shut up!!!”
~ Butz
Final Fantasy IX (Japanese: ファイナルファンタジーIX; Fainaru Fantajī ai ekkusu) is a racing game on the PS9 (we assume). It has became an instant classic selling five copies the day of its release when Square executives personally showed up for an instore signing got exasperated and bought copies themselves. Brings back many favourites from previous games such as Moogles and wild sex parties. This game fetured a lot of features never featured before, including the following: Loading into the playstation, spinning around inside the playstation, implimenting use of the Memory card and Controller system, featuring graphics rivaling games like Pong and Swiffer wet jet.
Contents |
[edit] Characters
- Zinedine Zidane: French soccer player who is now a part of a band of thieves for some weird reason. He wants to kidnap Princess Garnet for his own sexual fantasies. He also has "Ultimate Legendary HEADBUTT!" for the final special move.
- Garnet til Alexandros: The princess who is tired of living in a castle with her evil blue hippo mama, Queen Brain, so she wants to escape. Luckily, she is kidnapped by Zidane. She later changes her name to "Dagger". What the fuck kind of name is Dagger? Anyway, at the end, she is revealed to be a clone of Rinoa.
- Vivi Orunita: An emo nigger mage kid who joins Zidane and Garnet on their quest for world peace for unknown reasons. Zidane later shows him how to pick up chicks.
- Adelbert Steiner: An over-obsessive Garnet stalker. Garnet has tried so hard to get rid of him, but he just keeps following her. Garnet falls in love with him at one point of the game, but he dumps her for General Beatrix.
- Freya Crescent: Some random giant rat chick Zidane picked up at a bar. She knows how to jump really high.
- Quina Quen: The most powerful ally in the game, do to his/her ability to eat everything. No one knows his/her gender. He/She also likes nice walks on the beach, and sitting be the fire place. He/She's favorit color is clear. He/She cannot swim,but tries to.
- Eiko Carol: The last survivor of the Tribe of Horny Summoners. Despite being only six, she's still hornier than anyone else in the game. I have no idea why we need her. We already have a white mage. And a summoner. Wait, she's the only one who can cast that phoenix spell when your entire party's dead?! Okay, let's have her!
- That scary guy with red hair: AKA Amarant Coral, he randomly shows up and picks a fight with Zidane, then he joins your party. His only living relative is 'Carrot-Top'. Once YOU have finished reading this, beware. He is known for randomly throwing anything in the Game inventory, including important game items which result in a failed game.
- Kuja: The gender-confused antagonist of the game. He loves to wear thongs and look girly. His best friend is Maxwell Klinger from M*A*S*H. He originated in a land far, far away which is ruled by monkeys (it's really just New York in the future).
- Queen Brain: Fat blue hippo queen, a popular SSBBW pinup...
[edit] Storyline
Disc 1 Queen Brain (or the blue hippo mama) wants war as she has suddenly turned into a raving misanthrope who listens to black metal. The daughter of the Queen, who is adopted but so don’t worry about a smaller hippo looking girl, called Garnet is celebrating her 16th birthday with a massive orgy when we are introduced to our protagonist "Zinedane Zidane" from the French football team.
Our main antagonist then enters the town of Alexander the Queen meeting along the way a talking rat, a white mog and a drug peddaling chocobo! As 66 and the giant talking rat sneak into the castle to watch the show the castle collapses and everyone goes home for tea. The theatre group 'Queens inc' go to the fallen castle to perform the timless classic 'Final Destination' and to secretly kidnap the palace dog for their wicked test experiments. In a hilarious, yet plot defining, mistake the crew kidnap the young princess who they decide to use for their wicked test experiments. They are attacked by a giant flying halibut and beaten to submission but shortly crash into a bakery in the main town of Lindumb.
Our hero kills some squirrels and cats in a Lindumb festival before being jumped on by a giant rat. 66 becomes king of Lindumb but due to his lacking knowledge of economics the town goes to ruins in a couple of hours, everyone cries then explodes.
The party of 66, Zinedane Zidane, A giant rat with a hot ass and Steiner (A chronic masterbater) race to fight a sea monster but first attend some brothels to up their stats. After walking a lot and meeting some unpleasent looking creatures they reach a cave, ring some bells and find a moogle and his wife. Stainer steps forward and offers them marriage counceling, they accept but Stainer gets eaten. Suddenly the strongest character in the game joins the team: Cait Sith. Our group of heroes go fight the dragon then go home for tea.
The group show up at the destroyed town of Prauge where the giant rat finds her people have died, everyone bar the rat laughs as disc one closes.
Disc 2
The group go up a giant tree and slay some hippies in a violent, yet rewarding, battle. 66 starts adding an extra 6 to his name, worshiping Satan and listening to Limp Bizkit. Things quickly go wrong as Cait Sith gets stuck in a wedge of cheese, the rat gets caught in a mouse trap and Zidane heads off for the '98 world cup. Here you fight the deplorable boss Ronaldo who's final attack "Tounge Swallow" will destroy the world. The world is destroyed as Disc 2 comes to a close
Disc 3
It turns out the world wasn't destroyed there was just a blackout, our party manage to free themselves and head for Midgar, a city where everyone is rich and wildlife/flower life is abundant. Unfortunatly the rat is alergic to flowers and dies instantly, everyone cries then goes home for tea. Later 666 (Formaly known as : 66) cuts himself with a safety pin and tells his entire contact list on IM about it. The attention he receives from whiny 14 year old emos makes him grow super powers and he tries to destroy the Millenium Dome in London, luckily no one cares. The party rush to the last battle on their rocket sleds but stop for cake in a quaint cafe first.
Disc 5 (No disc 4 due to oversight by programers)
The final battle against 666 begins but the rat decides to opt out as it has indigestion and C. Sith decides he wants more cake, leaving our star footballer facing 666 alone. Our hero casts his final limit break "Feather tickle" in which he finishes the enemy with a deadly headbutt and wins peace for the world. He is later taken to court on numerous charges such as - Manslaughter, first degree murder, cruelty to animals charges and one count of public flatualance. Ever since, Zidane was banned from participating in world cups and churro eating contests
Thus ends the tale of deciet, power struggles and bad gameplay
[edit] Secrets
Final Fantasy always had many unlockables to keep people glued to the couch, and this one is no different it has many secret quests such as being a drug pusher for angry moogles and fighting the god of the sea - Jeremy Clarkson. As well as the more serious quests there is the hilarious baby ping pong and hide the sausage mini games adding up to nearly 4 hours minutes of gameplay! There is also the elusive "Hot Coffee" easter egg which cause out cry across America. It involves watching Brahne drink a cup of coffee.
[edit] Behind the Scenes
- Among other things, Final Fantasy IX is not final. Nor is it first. Nor is it too hot. Nor is it too cold. It is just right.
| ファイナルファンタジー |
|---|
 ファイナルファンタジー -
ファイナルファンタジーⅡ -
ファイナルファンタジーⅢ |
| 関連の廃物 |
