Final Fantasy Mystic Quest
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| Final Fantasy Mystic Quest | |
|---|---|
| |
| Developer | Square Co., Ltd Esq MD BhD Columbia John Hopkins Inc |
| Release Date | Back in the day |
| Genre | RPG |
| Platforms | Super Nintendo |
| Rating | G... like, mega-G. |
| Would Bob Saget play it? | Ask me if I care! |
| The author of this article doesn't care at all if you edit it, and heck your stuff is probably funnier than mine. |
Final Fantasy Mystic Quest (Japanese: ファイナルファンタジーMystic Quest; Fainaru Fantajī Mystic Quest) is the final entry in the Fantasy Mystic Quest series. It stars a young boy named Benjamin Skywalken and his quest to save Kansas and find the mystical cowbell. To get it, he must defeat the cast of The O.C. and the game's final boss, Tom Cruise.
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[edit] Gameplay
Widely credited for bringing the RPG genre to North America, Final Fantasy Mystic Quest featured some of the most advanced gameplay in a console RPG. Battle is composed of holding down both the designated ZSNES emulator speed-up key, and whatever key you assigned to be A. Of course, this method only appealed to the Welsh and Spiro Agnew[1]. Fans preferred to take the time to carefully analyze their enemy, equip the proper weapon, and then continuously press the A button until the enemy was defeated or until Hell froze over.
Also a new concept to video games entirely was jumping. At the commencement of the game, if you failed to completely jump across a gap, you would plunge into a giant bottomless pit. Many people have disputed what lies on the bottom of the pit. Some claim that at the bottom of the pit rests every copy of the Atari 2600 game E.T., while others state that Tupac is hiding in there. To this day, neither group can disagree that the Superbowl XL was a goddamn miscarriage of justice.
[edit] Storyline
[edit] Chapter 1: Press B To Jump
Final Fantasy Mystic Quest begins when Christopher arrives home to realize his entire town was actually destroyed during the 1906 San Francisco earthquake, and that he is suffering a fever brought on from being cryogenically frozen since 1492.
He traverses up Mount Rushmore hoping to tell Moses a thing or two regarding what he thinks about the change of scenery, when the local Wal-Mart annouces that they have DVD players on sale for $19.99. The ensuing riots triggered a rift in the Space-time continuum, causing the mountains to collapse. He is saved when Moses appears and commands Christopher to press the B button to jump from Mount Rushmore to Topeka, Kansas. This was widely believed to be the origin of the timeless phrase "This is the Colbert Report!".
Moses knows that Skywalken suffers from a rare case of cowbell fever, which is deadly in 1337% of cases, unless your name is Alfred E. Neuman, in which case go back 27 spaces. He tells young Skywalken that he will give him the mystical cowbell with which to cure his fever, but he must save their world first. Skywalken counters with both the cowbell and the building permit for Rosie O'Donnell's ass[2], and Moses accepts. Rather than brief Skywalken, Moses instructs him that his first task is in the Forestia, that it's 800 miles away, and he has a full thirty minute head start before he sends the Olsen Twins after him.
[edit] Chapter 2: Honey I Cut Up The Emo
After narrowly evading the clutches of the Olsen Twins in the full-length mocmentary Titanic, Skywalken arrives in Forestia to find a horrible sight: The McLobster is back! Also there happen to be a disproportionate number of emo kids hanging around, and every tree has broken links instead of leaves.
Skywalken deduces from the carvings in the emos wrists and the lyrics of their horrible "songs" that that stupid emo non-blonde moron from The O.C. has been driving through town in his Ford Pinto blaring that emo song that's in all the YTMNDs these days. Also, he's been bathing in the local spring, thus poisoning Green Hill's water supply with poisons such as arsenic, sulfuric acid, and Mountain Dew. Skywalken offers to fix the water supply, trees, and get them listening to 80s music again, but they have to build him his own Final Fantasy airship. Since they already have all the necessary cutting tools, they agree.
[edit] Level Forest
Skywalken ventures into the Level Forest, so called because if you take a hardware level and place it firmly on the ground, it will explode. There he meets local Forestia Idol star Kaeli Clarkson. Rather than introduce himself to her Richard Sharpe style, he questions her as to why Forestia is so fucked up. Kaeli tells him that ever since one of The O.C. cast members invaded Forestia, nobody wants to listen to her music, instead preferring to listen to castrated prettyboys singing about how much it sucks to be a middleclass well-off white boy. She agrees to be Skywalken's human shield/travelling cohort in exchange for returning Forestia to what passes for normal in these parts, i.e. full of drunken hillbillies who will actually listen to her music.
Skywalken is clueless on what to do until he receives a cryptic cell phone call from Moses, cryptic because Alexander Graham Bell won't be conceived for another century. Skywalken has a hard time determining what Moses is trying to say, figuring him to be on a wild kitten huffing binge. When the call ends, Skywalken deduces that if he inverts the order of all the letters, moves them all two spaces to the left, watches the third season of Alias and orders a Dell desktop computer, he still won't know what the fuck to do. So he just heads to the Sand temple.
[edit] Battle Field
Not to be confused with actual battlefields, these squares are scattered around the world and always attract exactly ten groups of monsters to it. These monsters only attack people who stop there, but leave the various travelers who have passed through it before alone for some reason.
[edit] Sand Temple
Historians argue that the Sand Temple lacks the properties of a temple, by which having anything that could be considered remotely templeriffic to the mentally challenged. Of course, Historians are also notoriously boring, which is why you should never sit next to one at a dinner party for fear of learning useless crap like that.
Skywalken arrives to find nothing but a single treasure chest. He opens it to find a whole shitload of nothing. It is then that Skywalken is approached by a clinja named Tristam. When asked by Skywalken what was in the chest, he tells Skywalken that he refuses to tell him that the Ghetto Blaster of Sex was what was in the chest. But if he wants it, he has to be Tristam's clintern when he goes into the Bone(r) Dungeon. Figuring that some good music might fix those emo fags right up, Skywalken dons a clown wig and shoes and follows him.
[edit] Bone(r) Dungeon
And lo yay, the Clinjas descended upon the Bone(r) Dungeon and did many a battle, sometimes killing up to as many as two groups of enemies before becoming bored and changing the channel over to Dr. Phil. Also there was some kind of fight between the pair and the Emosaurus Rex, and I'm fairly certain that Skywalken and Tristam won because otherwise this article would have to come to an abrupt end.
[edit] The AfterMASH
AUTHOR'S NOTE: It is federally mandated that the following section be read while listening to Kenny Loggins' "I'm Free" from the Footloose soundtrack. Failure to comply with this decree will cause your internet tubes to be clogged until John McClane gets paid enough to do a fifth Die Hard movie.
Tristam got what he wanted off Seth Cohen's corpse: all of his Styx albums. Skywalken was able to cure the emos with the Ghetto Blaster of Sex. The emos started listening to Kaeli's music again. I still didn't get my danish.
The former emos had begun work on Skywalken's airship, but unfortunately under new Homeland Security regulations, airships were banned under Article IV of the Bill of Wrongs, so CTU had to deploy and kill everybody in town.
[edit] Chapter X: MANY NON-HUMOROUS EVENTS OCCUR
Don't look at me like that, I actually went through these in my sleep. All I had to do was hold down the A button.
[edit] Canada
Skywalken ventured to Canada to speed up global warming. Along the way he partners with Phoebe from The Magic Schoolbus. Spends hours listening to her saying "In my old Final Fantasy, we never (had shitty gameplay mechanics/had potions that cured all/had no plot)". Skywalken insists on killing her but Moses keeps saying she's already contracted to appear in the final boss fight. Fucking prick.
[edit] Fireburg
Skywalken ventured to Fireburg and teams up with Fireburg Idol Reuben Studdard to track down the Mystical Chicken of Eatingness. Also I'm pretty sure all the while Skywalken's been doing some shit with gems. Who cares? I didn't care while I was playing. I'd beat the bosses and they'd just show up. It's like Castlevania, except once you beat the boss, you don't do shit with the crystal prize. Like what the fuck. Simon Belmont would kill this guy.
[edit] Windia
That's totally not India with a W surgically attached to it. Whatever went on here involved the wind blowing. And BOY DID IT BLOW.
What, nothing?
[edit] Chapter X2: I'm tired of hearing "Electric Boogalo" attached to every sequel
Climb to top of tower. Attempt to CURE Tom Cruise's terminal scientology. Fail miserably but still win game.
I should also note that George Clooney did some very fine acting in Tom Cruise's death scene as he and the cast of E.R. attempted to save Tom Cruise during the CURE sequence after he fell off Oprah's couch.
"PUPILS BLOWN, HEAD TRAUMA, GOD ONLY KNOWS WHAT ELSE!" "HE'S IN SHOCK! START TWO LARGEBORE IVS. GET HIM TO ICU, STAT!" "GIVE HIM 50CCS OF CURE!" "NO EFFECT! WHAT SHOULD WE DO?" "GIVE HIM 100CCS!" "STILL NO EFFECT! HIS VITALS ARE DROPPING! THIS GUY IS A TRAIN WRECK! WE ARE LOSING HIM!" "GIVE HIM 200CCS OF CURE!" "HE'S ALREADY GOT 150CCS IN HIM, IF WE GIVE HIM ANY MORE IT COULD KILL HIM!" "DAMNIT LADY WHO PLAYS CHUN-LI IN THE LIVE ACTION STREET FIGHTER MOVIE, DO IT!"
-flatline-
[edit] The Actual Ending
Ok so basically it's the same ending as Top Gun. Skywalken and Tristam whip out their dicks and have a swordfight while Reuben eats Kaeli alive.
[edit] References
- ↑ Barry, Dave. Spiro Agnew rearranges to spell "Grow a penis"
- ↑ According to Haliburton, said ass is a spacious 30 square miles of prime real estate, provided you don't mind the smell.
