Final Fantasy VI

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.

Final Fantasy VI (Japanese: ファイナルファンタジーVI; Fainaru Fantajī Vee-Aye)

[edit] Introduction [Background]

The final installment in the Fantasy VI series of video games, Final Fantasy VI was known as the first truly great RPG or Really Poignant Game. It was released in 1972 three years after it was demilitarized, by the Hardball Corporation for the SNES (Surprisingly, No Entertainment System) console. Hardball was just then trying to recover from the losses suffered from their previous flop: Final Fantasy Mystic Quest. They approached a team of Japanese sex slaves and fictional futuristic outlaw bounty hunters to provide them with a storyline more appealing than their previous games. From Mystic Quest, they learned that people simply did not wish to play games with so many talking crystals and characters named after hot corned-beef sandwiches. Hardball was a very competitive corporation, and like all Japanese corporations, they ruled with an iron fist by an evil samurai mobster. Because he had, "dedicated his life to the great western Satan" Hardball CEO Grumpei Gojinshokoso insisted his assembled team of storywriters be secluded in a haunted house on a hill for three days while all the planets were all aligned or something.

[edit] The Story of the Story [Meta-story]

When the house was unsealed after three days, the writers had gone completely insane and were all institutionalized, but Hardball, already in severe debt, had to make do with what the writer's had accomplished. What was gleaned from the rough drafts was a meandering and senseless story, 7645 pages long and reflecting nearly 10,000 hours of gameplay (unless you find the secret character, Gogo, who is some kind of transgendered pile of rags, in which case the game can be finished in a mere 9,650 hours)

[edit] Characters [Don't Call Them 'Thou']

The main character in FF6 (also called "Magacitement" by geeks and really poignant game enthusiasts) is an idiot in a bright yellow rain coat named Cid. Cid is a recurring character in every Final Fantasy, and he always plays a totally useless retard who tells you a bunch of stuff you already knew. The exception is Final Fantasy Pi wherein, Cid is an airship pilot who has a steamy three-way with a sage wizard Tellah and his voluptuous daughter Anna.

[edit] Minor Characters

• Terra Branflakes, a woman who recently gave up heroin and got out of rehab, and thus doesn't remember that she's not even human, however, when she thinks for one second she might be human, she takes off all her clothes and turns bright pink. Voiced by Tara Strong.
• John Locke Cole, (was suppossed to be Lucky, but his parents can't spell) a "treasure hunter," who "treasure hunts" on the Internet looking at porn. Voiced by John Stamos. He is currently on an island, but is no longer paralyzed.
• Edgar Rice-a-Roni Figaroni, the pimp, the mackdaddy. Like all pimps, he was voiced by Oscar Wilde.
• Sabin Renée Zellweger Figaroni, Edgar's brother, a karate fighter, and a closet homosexual (why else would he have flowers and tea in his house?) Helps his brother a lot, since every pimp needs a bigass bodyguard. Voiced by Adam West
• Darth Vader, a Ninja who was trained as a Sith lord. Dated Interceptor for many months, but broke up shortly before committing suicide. Resembles his half brother Snake Eyes from GI Joe.
• Cyan Garabaldi, a Wapanese man who is actually French. He was named because he had the lightest skin color of any member of the Blue Man Group. Voiced by John Wayne, or so it is speculated.
• Gau, a wild child who would eventually become Rikku's stunt double in later titles. Poor Gau. Anyway, he was voiced by Geddy Lee. Of Rush. Of Salesmen.
• Celes Cher, a magical girl who was infused with the power to not be able to sing. Voiced by Britney Spears, which pissed off Terra a lot.
• Mog, half man, half bear, and half pig! I'm super serial! Voiced by Al Gore.
• Brian Setzer Gabbiani, The Artist Formerly Known as Han Solo, who had to have a monopoly on all the airships in the world, so he had to destroy all but his own (as well as his dead friend's airship, but nobody used it until Setzer, Celes, Edgar, and possibly Sabin stole borrowed it). Voiced by Bill Gates.
• Strago Magus, just some old dude. Apparently, he thinks he doesn't have to retire yet. But he really should. He is secretly the son of Tellah but tells no one because of his father'z "suicidal impulses" and gay clothes. he is Played by Ric Flair
• Relm Arrowny, another ditzy magical girl who likes dogs. and really likes dogs, if you know what we mean. Ew! Relm is currently in a committed relationship with Interceptor. When asked about their intimacy, she eagerly replied, speaking so fast that the press exploded. Voiced by Kathie Souice.
• Random Returner Dude #4, the most popular character in the game. He pwns Generic Narshe Guard #2 in just about every way imaginable.
• Gogo, most often remembered as a Governor of Illinois and as a presidential candidate for the Democrats. Voiced by Adlai Stevenson.
• Umaro, a very deep and enigmatic character. Also Mog's slave. Known for having lots of commands to control him with, which can cause troubles to inexperienced players. Voiced by Frank Welker, with the Dr. Claw kinda voice.
• Samuel L. Jackson, Exists somewhere in every Final Fantasy game, here he plays a chocobo.
• Wicks and Wedge, Grand-Grand-Grand-Grandsons of Beavis and Butthead. They use awesome Magitek Armors at the beginning of the game, but have their ass kicked by a fuckin frozen BIRD! Later, they get a very fulfilling job at a Stuckey's in Steubenville, Ohio. These guys have absolutely nothing to do with Star Wars, so quit bitching about it.

Kefka's transformation to God Like creature.

[edit] Villains

• Kefka Palazzo, an overrated pussy-clown who exists only to hate. Kefka is famous for his legion of elitist fanboys, who loves him just because he pushed three statues.
• Emperor Palpatine, Kefka's Sith mentor. He made sure all Sith prophecies would come true.
• Vargas' Bears, The most evil, deep, and famous villains in any game ever to exist. Vargas' bears (Named "iPooh" and "iPooh") hold 5,000,000 songs and can fit in your pocket protector. They bear(Get it? Get it???) a striking resemblance to Sabin.

[edit] Summary [It's Almost Over!]

The end of the game involves killing God or something, but the point of the game is a more subtle product of the entire gameplay experience. Namely, "I hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, it when you do that."

Sadly, after the master copy of FF6 was destroyed by the "Beam of Judgement," (yet another Japanese slang term for a disturbing sexual perversion) the very last known copy of FF6 was lost at some point between 7th and 11th grade. Several people still mourn the loss of such a great game, but mostly those people are the parents who actually had to pay the goddamned $80 for it.

ファイナルファンタジー
ZIDANE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE KUJA'S REPLACEMENT ファイナルファンタジー - ファイナルファンタジーⅡ - ファイナルファンタジーⅢ ファイナルファンタジーⅣ - ファイナルファンタジーⅤ - ファイナルファンタジーⅥ ファイナルファンタジーⅦ - ファイナルファンタジーⅧ - ファイナルファンタジーⅨ ファイナルファンタジーⅩ - ファイナルファンタジーⅪ - ファイナルファンタジーⅫ
関連の廃物 ファイナルファンタジーⅩ-2 - ファイナルファンタジーא-n - ファイナルファンタジー:フォルモヲアー