Final Fantasy VIII
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RINOA BECOMES THE SORCERESS, SQUALL IS LAGUNA'S SON, AND ALL THE MONSTERS IN THE GAME COME FROM THE MOON
may follow. Read on at your own discretion.| Final Fantasy VIII | |
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| Developer | Squaresoft |
| Release Date | 1998 |
| Genre | RPG |
| Platforms | Playstation |
| Rating | 12+ |
| Would Vince McMahon play it? | Ask me if I care! |
“Dude, where's my MP?”
~ Captain Oblivious on Final Fantasy VIII
“RAGE!!!!!”
~ Fujin on Final Fantasy VIII
“Kursed SeeDs!”
~ Ultimecia on the use of capitals
“Why the fuck is the final boss using my chain as a Guardian Force?”
~ Squall Leonhart on Final Fantasy VIII
“That's undeniable proof that we totally owned you lamers!”
~ Seifer Almasy on how to lose fans
“Where's the FF8 spinoffs?”
~ Guy who's envious of FF7's success
“"Everybody! Love! And Peace!"”
~ Selphie Tilmitt on propaganda
Final Fantasy VIII (Japanese: ファイナルファンタジーVIII) The eighth installment to Oprah's plans to take over the globe come to a dramatic change. Instead of the evil genius being beaten by small sprites with strange gravity defying hair she finally gets a small amount of respect from her arch nemesis, the company who send in the 'good-guys'; Umbrella Inc.
Contents |
[edit] The Story and the Myth
In the great tale, our mysterious leather-wearing squad leader opens his heart to the oppressive girl pestering him, even if it is just to get her to shut up. The team are pitted against Oprah's clones many times, and go through hell afterwards. Prison breaks, shower rooms and an eighty mile desert walk later, the team end up at the HQ of the evil overlord Oprah and fight for their lives.
[edit] Characters
[edit] Squall "Emo" (or "Swan") Leonheart
The leader of the crack team that Umbrella sent in against Oprah, he is quiet, reserved and quite possibly gay or at least a woman-hater. He likes strutting his ass in tight leather and assures his team that his leather fascination is merely to put Oprah off. It is pointed out by Zelda Dincht that he does not, in fact, have to wear the leather until they fight Oprah. Swan responds with a bitchslap to his face.
He is the original emo, and soon became the inventor of identity theft when he stole the name of an FF2 character. He also makes a cameo appearance in the sequel, Mobile Suit Gundam SeeD Destiny. His name was changed to Leon when he appeared in Kingdom Hearts, mainly because Donald Duck had an aneurysm whenever he tried to pronounce 'Squall'.
[edit] Rinoa Heartilly
Rinoa is, without a doubt, the sexiest, biggest breasted and most delicious female antagonist in a Final Fantasy game to date. Words cannot even begin to describe the extent of her beauty, which is probably why Squall, Zell and Irvine have such a good time banging her all over, while Seifer licks. Oh and Cid, who could forget good old Cid? He has the biggest knob of all, perfect for penetrating that juicy pussy. He can also strip off that blue cardigan in record time. We wish we had a picture of her and those smackdown tits, but Cloud and Sephiroth are masturbating over the only one. Enjoy lads!
[edit] Quistis Tree-piss
The blonde bossy whip wielding dominatrix. The only Final Fantasy character under 2000 years old to wear glasses and pants AND a skirt, Quistis was once an instructor at the Balamb Farm, when she was scandalized for having sexual relations with a student, whom we cannot identify for legal reasons. There's no use begging, we cannot enclose the name of this hot-dicked teacher-fucker. I'm sorry. *Squall*
[edit] Zelda Dincht
The easy to anger psychotic boxer, once expelled from Farm and almost from SheeP for biting off the ear of his sparring partner and proceeding to make strange nosises, screaming at the doctor, "Are the lambs still screaming!?" He is secretly in love with Emo, and has a strange and crazy obsession for hotdogs but never gets to eat any. Oh, and at the end of the game he kills all the cafeteria workman and says "HAHA!!! NOW I AM KING OF HOTDOGS!!!" Nobody has seen him since....???
[edit] Seifer Ecstasy
The blond, the evil nemesis and lover of the leather wielding gay man. He defects from Farm and SheeP to serve Oprah after being brainwashed by the ultimatly evil Crazy Frog. Afterwards, he falls into a life of stand up comedy involving fish, a black man and a one-eyed albino who is mentally handicapped to the point she screams only one word at the top of her lungs. He's constantly high throughout the game and will possibly yell out (62% chance) sentences such as "Jaaaaaaazzz maaaan" in the middle of a fight, which will demoralize your team and inevitably bring about your defeat.
[edit] Selfish Timid
Known as the "Lil' Princess" Selfish is a demolitions expert and was sent to Balamb after she blew up her last Farm, killing 400,000 innocent SheeP. She was forgiven beacause of her “cute smile, carefree attitude, giant, spiked nunchaks and her six-shot revolver jammed against my skull”.
[edit] Michael Jackson
The sharp-shooting,psychotic idiot of a cowboy, formally named Clint Eastwood, who killed 26 marine commandos. He was sent to Balamb Farm to be disciplined and fell in love with the demolitions expert, Selfish Timid. He was once sent on a misson to shoot the sorceress but he and Squall got so drunk that night that he accidentally shot Squall that thus ended the game.
[edit] The Sauceress
The main emo villain of Final Fantasy VIII, as well as the main villain of Spyro the Dragon 3, who Oprah is merely a pawn under (The Sorceress that is, not Spyro 3). Unsatisfied with her role in Spyro 3, The Sauceress demanded a new role in a greater and more well known video game. However, since no one would offer her a role, she used her magic to go back in time one year and usurped Ultimecia before she could become the villain of FFVIII. However, her appearance in FFVIII caused a time paradox, for the lawyers of Squaresoft and Insomniac were unsure who to sue for character plagiarism. Despite this, The Sauceress did manage to get a cameo in Kingdom Hearts II as a piggybank.
[edit] Adel
A giant shemale sauceress. She ended up this way after La Goon Loire exiled her to space and exposed to to ultraviolet radiation. She straps Noah Heart-Tits to her chest and feels Noah up to tell if Swan is gay. Swan kills her to prevent her from telling anyone.
[edit] Bruce Willis
Not an in-game character, he is the voice of the choir on Disc 1, and the Jumbo Cactuar was modelled on him.
[edit] Laguna Loire
As said in his character description, his penis is indeed mightier than the sword. Also he is Squall (Emo's) deadbeat dad. Also, somewhere along the way he also becomes the president of Esthar.
[edit] The Plot
Basically there's this world with lots of random monsters, and a sorceress queen like person with huge boobs who manage to look both really ominous and really, really hot. Emo Git is the main character: he appears to be an anti-social, braindead chicken shit with no fashion sense. Through extensive inner reflection throughout this pitiful excuse for a story, Emo Git discovers that he is an anti-social braindead shit, but he's acutally a cow shit with even worse fashion sense. Other characters include the shit Zell Dink, the shit Selphie Timmit, Robin Williams, who is awesome, and Rinoa Heartily, the pathetic co-dependant chick, played by Orlando Bloom, who is just shit. Qusitis Herpes is by far the hottest character in FF since Tifa Lockhar (orgasms), who works part-time as a dominatrix / fembot. Chicken Wuss also features heavily, who gets through life by selling his really, unbelievably are-they-really-that-bad? jokes to satirical webpages like this one.
Emo Git spends most of his time reading Timber Maniacs, a logger porn magazine, sissy fighting with Chicken-Wuss, failing with women, and finally deciding to give his SeeD to some sort of questionnable garden. His counterpart is Laguna Loire, an androgynous soldier who tags along with a fat guy and a leper. Laguna has really bad hair, has irrespresible irritable bowl syndrome, and is prone to fall asleep whenever he talks. The only real point of the game is to get to see Squall do it with Orlando, which doesn't happen. So, there's really no point to the game...at all. FF8 was basically Square-Enix thrusting their arses enthusiastically in the air, and begging anyone to fuck them. Those cheap, dirty sluts.
[edit] Overalll
Oprah was defeated and the games went on battling other evils, such as Hitler, Crazy Frog v2.2 and the evil Dr. Birkin-saur.
Then afterwards Laguna told Squall in Star Wars style that he is his father. Squall responded with "Whatever." after having to flip through 20 boxes of text with the word "NOOOOO etc." on.
[edit] See Also
- Final Fantasy I
- Final Fantasy II
- Final Fantasy III
- Final Fantasy IV
- Final Fantasy V
- Final Fantasy VI
- Final Fantasy VII
| ファイナルファンタジー |
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 GALUF DIES! ファイナルファンタジー -
ファイナルファンタジーⅡ -
ファイナルファンタジーⅢ |
| 関連の廃物 |
