Final Fantasy XIII
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| Final Fantasy XIII | |
|---|---|
 | |
| Developer | Circle-Punix |
| Release Date | 2452 |
| Genre | RPG |
| Platforms | GeorgeForman Grill & BBQ |
| Rating | T |
| Would Tony Soprano play it? | Yes |
“AHHH OMG 13 AAHHHH!”
~ A Triskaidekaphobian on the number 13
Final Fantasy XII, also known as the Fantasy That Never Was, was released in early October, 2018, after 12 years of developments and approximations by Circle-Punix. FFXIII was the first game from the Final Fantasy series to arrive on the Sony GeorgeForman Grill and BBQ. Originally the game was released in what Circle-Punix, one called a "flavor" which was the Spicy Edition, and others such as Moogle's Revenge Edition, and Limited Edition + Ultimate Fanboy Wet Dream Edition, which featured various female characters in barely nothing.
Contents |
[edit] Gameplay
Throughout the game, the player directly controls the onscreen character from a third-person perspective to interact with people, objects, and enemies. Pressing the x button will allow your character to make sexual advances to whoever is on the screen. Pressing the triangle button will make your character commit suicide. Pressing the circle button will make your character perform a blow job. Pressing the square button will make your character forget what gender they are. All of these things will come in handy in Final Fantasy XIII.
To get money in this game, you really have to work for it. Either you give a poor person a good time behind a dumpster, strip for gil, or you sell yourself. One of the best ways is to hit the Slut Casino in the Bahamas. You cannot reach this area until later in the game, but once it has been reached you can win big gil by whoring yourself out to a thousand fat chicks, or fifty really fat chicks and win $50,000. There's limitless possibilities.
[edit] Plot
[edit] Setting
Ivira is the name of the world in Final Fantasy XIII. Ivira is divided up into two sections: Cocoon and Pulse.
Cocoon
Cocoon is a place filled with emos, old people, and religious fanatics. The emos in Cocoon are emo because they are gay, but they can't be gay in Cocoon. That's basically why Balthier named the place Cocoon. It's a place full of people that are depressed because they can't be who they are. Instead of being trapped in a closet, they are trapped in a cocoon. There is a large part of Cocoon that is overly religious, though. This is the section that is mostly filled with old people, and people that think they are pure when they are really not. The religious fanatics spend most of their leisure time praying to the holy one named Cheesus, who had died for their sins many years ago because of a coin toss.
Visually, Cocoon is a place full of technology and metal. It's a place beyond it's time, but it will soon be a place full of a despair once the people of Pulse overtake it, and ruin it.
Little known facts:
- Sarge Tush is the King of Cocoon
- Cocoon is responsible for 72% of the world's pollution
- Airships can only be used by people of great importance
Pulse
Pulse is a place filled with people who are free to do whatever they want. It's mostly gay people that live in Pulse, and they have Raves every two days just for the fun of it. Recently, though, a religious fanatic from Cocoon sneaked into Pulse, and planted a virus which sprouted many monsters in less than a week. The gay people that live in Pulse had to hide, and are now waiting for the day when their place of happiness and partying is rid of the pesky little beasts.
Visually, Pulse is a place of pink and purple crystals. It's a stunning place, and is very eco-friendly. There are disco balls wherever you go. It's a good thing to know that Pulse was awarded the trophy for "Cleanest Party Place on Ivira" in 3575.
Little known facts:
- Balthier is the King of Pulse.
- Cocoon considers Pulse to be Hell on Ivira
- Pulse is environmentally friendly
[edit] Characters
1. Lightning
2. Butch (The most recently un-named character)
3. Balthier
Lightning
Lightning is believed to be the first lesbian lead character in a Final Fantasy game. Can you blame her? Her character designer Tetsuya Nomura modeled her after the main character in Final Fantasy VII, Cloud. You know who Cloud is, he is the one that cross-dressed, and had an implant slippage at the MVMAs (Midgar Video Music Awards). Even though Lightning has completely lost her mind, and doesn't know anything about her past, everyone around her remembers vividly. She grew up in Sand Cuntsisco. Her parents were fithy rich, but abandoned her in the year 3563 when Lightning was only three years old. Lightning is also this chick's codename. When Toriyama's step-brother-in-law was questioned about this codename business, he replied, "Her real name is actually Nicholas."
Butch
There is an image floating about of a new character that helps Lightning on her journey. Most think it's a male, but it is in fact a butch. This butch, who shall remain nameless for the time being, tries to gain Lightning's love back by helping her. This person thing, whatever it may be, is in fact a reincarnation of Vaan from Final Fantasy XII, and is in Final Fantasy XIII because the Crystal wanted to turn him into who he was suppose to be originally, a female.
Balthier
Balthier, a character from a previous Final Fantasy, Final Fantasy XII, is said to also appear in this game. Balthier was and will always be an overly, sometimes too overly, hot homosexual. At the end of Final Fantasy XII, he drove his airship to the underworld in Final Fantasy XIII, which he coined the name Pulse. Pulse is a place of purple and pink crystals that are overrun by monsters that raise havoc and force you to use summons on them to kill them.
When Toriyama was questioned in early 2007 about the Balthier appearance in Final Fantasy XIII, he replied in his Japanese lingo, "Balthier is the only character from any Final Fantasy that looks good. Plus, just like everyone else, we all want to see Balthier in High Definition, and the Sony GeorgeForman Grill and BBQ is the best console to see him on. He has a big package, so the Blu-Ray's extra space will allow us to properly give him the man hood he truly deserves."
[edit] Storyline
Balthier doesn't know why or how the monsters got into Pulse, so he is set on finding out why. He enlists the help of Nicholas to help him out. Nicholas refuses to help out Balthier, because she doesn't like men. So, Balthier completely brainwashes Nicholas, and gives her a new name, Lightning. He then leads Lightning to a room with a Crystal Ball in it. Balthier goes behind the curtains that reside at the back of the room, and talks into a mic that is there. As he talks, the Crystal Ball speaks, in a weird and strange way. The Crystal Ball tells Lightning to go to Cocoon and destroy all mankind there. The Crystal Ball is in fact Balthier talking, but it's muffled up so much, that Lightning doesn't recognize the voice.
Balthier, with the help of Lightning, goes up to Cocoon. While there, Butch offers to help them out, and also some other characters that have not been revealed yet. They kick arse, and take names, then they travel back to Pulse to get rid of the monsters that have overrun the place. When they are complete with that, they hear a rumble. Sarge Tush has began an attack on Pulse. All of the gays come out of hiding, and start attacking Cocoon with all they got. When the fight is over, the only people left are Balthier, Butch, Lightning, and Sarge Tush. They all question Sarge Tush, and he admits that he was the one who put the virus in Pulse. They all gang up on Sarge Tush, and rid him of his life. All the people that died in combat are now brought back to life mysteriously. Ivira has changed into a place where Cocoon and Pulse can live in perfect harmony.
[edit] Weapons
The developers have previously stated what kind of weapons that the characters use in the game. They all start off with spiked dildos, and as they level up, they move on to chains and whips. It is unknown as to what other weapons that can be used in the game. Toriyama did have this to say about the weapons, "They will vary in different shapes and sizes. The more you use them the more experienced you become. You can get better weapons if you move on different spots on the board (A board that looks similar to the game that is sold in the United States called Twister)."
[edit] Summons
The main summon is a stripper named Shiva. She strips, and dances on a pole, and after she dances, she grabs the pole and attacks the enemy with it. Ifrit, another summon, is a prison escapee who uses the nut cruncher move on his enemies, which involves grabbing onto an enemies nuts, and squeezing as hard as he can, and then throwing the enemy into the air (while still holding the nuts) and slamming the enemy onto the ground. There are other summons, but their names and abilities are unknown.
